Rumfork Sages

I use the word "we" even though I'm not entirely sure at the moment if Rum will return. I hope he does...otherwise...I mean what am I gonna do, move to fork.com? I dunno.

In any case, at this point I am writing content for what, maybe 3 or 4 people. I am of course doing this because what am I gonna do, go out and advertise a site with like 3 entries on it? People will never come back. I largely desire a famous site because then I could sell t-shirts and whatnot, and I wouldn't have to work and people would walk around with our cool logo which we haven't designed yet. We tried last year...who knows. Rum is currently the owner of the site, so if I do design a logo and we sell T's, the money will go to him, and I'll still be poor. Perhaps I should organize a hostile takeover (begging and crying).

So to the subject evident in the posting title: what the hell can I or we do to make this bitch popular enough to sell merchandise, or at the very least, the kind of place people want to go where I might be able to post opinions and football picks that people might at least sort of care about. As far as I'm concerned, there are a few options:

1) Worthwhile conent. - Many famous sites have this. I could develop a formula for the blog, perhaps an alternation between social commentary and sports picks. I could write topical humor, and maybe be the first blog on the internet to be compared to "Murphy Brown" (a nice Family Guy reference right there). This, however, would certainly take a lot of work, and to be honest, I want to be able to write really random shit. A formula might prohibit this.

2) Zany Antics. - I could post videos of myself doing hilarious things like jumping down hills, jumping up hills, jumping into pools in a turtle suit, all kinds of shit like that. Unfortunately, we already have a YouTube, and it already sucks.

3) Porn. - Don't worry, it wouldn't be me naked. It'd be pretty sweet though if I got girls to e-mail me naked pics and I posted them. This site would become famous...one of the most popular 89 billion sites on the internet.

4) I have no idea. - I mean, what makes a successful site anymore? Every site is a copy of every other site. There just isn't very much originality out there. I've tried several times to launch successful web ventures, had some success, but in the end it just never works how you hope. This is undoubtedly like many other blogs out there, so what the hell?

Seems to me that it is largely impossible to stand out just through writing anymore. Lots of talented writers already dominate that, and my personal blog isn't going to change that. I'll need to invent some sort of webcomic or something. I suck at drawing though. Oh! I know!

5) Introducing - Stories of The Great Fork! - Several years ago I caused many people around me to think I was on drugs by writing a series of really ridiculous stories. They sort of existed in the same universe. Essentially, they were really fucking random, and people seemed to enjoy them.

So, I believe in the coming days, I'll perhaps edit and repost some of those stories (editing only for typos and whatnot, not content), and then rebrand the concept into Stories of The Great Fork. Believe me, you won't want to miss this. How can you be sure, you ask? A taste:

"Daddy was the angry type. He had fought in every American war since the Peloponnesian War, and he didn't have much of patience. He would often start yelling at the TV, and then throw beer cans at the rhino that lived next door. But then he would beat Mommy with an old Revolutionary War whip and he'd feel much better.

Mommy was normally quite happy. Sometimes, though, she'd be sad, so she'd go next door and kill the neighbors' puppy. They always had a puppy to kill because they got a new one each time Mommy killed one. The neighbors weren't very smart."

Yeah, I'm on medication. Still though...come on. That's awesome.

Living in Denver presents many challenges. Other than my uncontrollable disdain for the Broncos, the fact that people like to do things like go outside is just very difficult for me to accept. As a hermit who enjoys sitting in his room with the blinds closed and the house temperatures so low that others attack me because they assume I am trying to murder them, going camping or hiking or skiing or jogging or walking or driving are not really things I enjoy. So, in the spirit of that, I think I will be moving. Let's run down some prospective cities, their pros and cons, and then I'll make my decision.

1) New York City - Once my dream city, now it is plagued by memories of bad sports experiences. I hate all New York Sports teams, especially as a child of New England. I just can't live in a city where people like the Giants.

2) Toronto - Once my favorite city, now this city is plagued by my ex-girlfriend. Positive - living in Toronto would mean I could tell her how much I hate her and how I want bad things to happen to her. Negative - It's fucking Canada. Fuck that.

3) Boston - My most recent area of residence. While I am a fan of all things Boston, especially sports teams, the New England accent on a woman is just about the least attractive thing I've ever heard. As a single man, I'll pass.

4) Seattle - Good weed, and lots of rain which encourages hermitry. I would probably enjoy living here but something tells me moving so close to Canada would piss me off. I'm at war with those Northern Exposure bastards.

5) Detroit - No, I don't want to be murdered.

6) Chicago - Great sports history, lake view, good food. Plus; I, the Great Fork, actually have a FRIEND in this city. Call it another fork in the drawer of my life.

So there you have it, Rumfork.com reader. Looks like I'm on my way to Chicago. Finally I can get the hell out of here.

Most of all you, you uncaring, self-serving, worthless bitch. Burn in hell.

Last year, I did one set of picks on Rumfork. I was way the fuck off and didn't do it again. Rumfork has not been up again until now, but luckily for you gamblers out there (probably just me), my picks this year are better than ever. So since Week 12 kicks off tonight, I'll be tossing out my Week 12 picks, and I will pick for the rest of the season. I'll probably also throw in college football picks, but only for larger games, and I'll toss in basketball picks as well. For the most part, I don't like to pick against the spread because when I bet, I bet winners. So at least for this week, there will be no ATS picks, only winners.

Bengals at Steelers - Chad Ocho Cinco is deactivated; despite the fact that he is insane, he has been improving recently, so this hurts the Bengals "chances." On another note, I bet the Steelers are really scared of a QB who played college ball at Harvard. Lethal, seriously.
PICK: Steelers

Texans at Browns - It's the "We Don't Know How To Close Out A Game" Bowl! Both teams are fighting for any shot at making the playoffs, and both teams are pretty much done. Brady Quinn is slated to start despite his broken finger - this means my man DA (Derek Anderson) will get in and takeover this game. Andre Johnson is having one hell of a season, but I find it hard to believe that the Texans are going to take this one on the road, even with Brady Quinn sucking ass last week and having a broken finger. I think DA gets in this game, wins the shootout, and Braylon Edwards outshines Andre Johnson.
PICK: Browns

Bears at Rams - The only thing I'm afraid of in St. Louis is being murdered.
PICK: Bears

Vikings at Jaguars - Mike Smith leaves for Atlanta - suddenly Atlanta is a powerhouse and Jack Del Rio may be fired for how awful the Jags are. Coincidence? No. It isn't. Minnesota has a not great passing game, but look for that to change next year when current Patriots starter Matt Cassel signs a free agent contract with them, then gets beat down in the Superbowl by my idol Tom Brady. I think this is gonna be a low scoring, grind it out game, with two great running teams, but I like Minnesota in a close one.
PICK: Vikings

Bucs at Lions - Detroit shows up BIGTIME in this one and scores 31. The problem is, Tampa Bay scores 56. I feel bad for Daunte Culpepper; they're going to blame this on him. He is underrated and I'm sick of hearing otherwise.
Pick: Bucs

49ers at Cowboys - I think this one is going to be closer than people would think. Mike Singletary can turn this squad around, and hopefully San Francisco knows this and keeps him on next year. Despite a closer than expected game, I think Romo returns to form slightly, and that's too much for SF to stop.
PICK: Cowboys

Eagles at Ravens - Trouble reigns down on the Eagles when QB Donovan McNabb says he didn't know that the team with more points wins the game. Magic Johnson scolds him.
PICK: Ravens

Bills at Chiefs - This one is interesting. Tyler Thigpen has been absolutely on fire in Kansas City, but they cannot win a game. Buffalo was on fire to start the season, and now they too cannot win a game. If Buffalo wants any shot at getting to the playoffs, they absolutely have to win this game; for the Chiefs, it's a point of pride, and a point of Herm Edwards trying to save his goddamn job. So many Bills are underperforming (on offense, specifically), however, that I just don't see them getting it done in the Sea of Red.
PICK: Chiefs

Patriots at Dolphins - Earlier this season, Ronnie Brown ran for four TDs and also passed for one in the unveiling of that damned wildcat formation. I was depressed because my Patriots lost, but Ronnie Brown won me my first fantasy game. Mixed bag on that one. In either case, the wildcat has been slowed down, and Matt Cassel is developing into a serious starter. This may be biased, but with both teams in a fight for the playoffs, I trust Quiet Bill and the Pats.
PICK: Patriots

Jets at Titans - The Jets are gonna do what? Run on the Titans? Pass on them? Yeah right. Albert Haynesworth will be eating Favre for breakfast. At this point folks, Haynesworth is the MVP of this league. He'll make outstanding Jets DT Kris Jenkins look like a joke.
PICK: Titans

Raiders at Broncos - I hate Denver. I want them to lose every week. They're playing the godawful Raiders. Much to my dismay, this game is already over.
PICK: Broncos

Panthers at Falcons - I like this game a lot. This is a true test of both of these teams. They're both playing solid offense and defense. This is a serious clash of NFC strength, but I give it to Atlanta for two reasons: 1) They're not going to lose after a really tough loss at Denver, 2) Home field.
PICK: Falcons

Redskins at Seahawks - Letting Jim Zorn go and picking Jim Mora as Holmgren's successor was obviously a really great idea. That Seattle Braintrust sure is something.
PICK: Redskins

Giants at Cardinals - Simply put, I think the Giants are overrated. No one is looking at the games they've played and how they've played them, just an inflated record. Arizona exposes the fraud this week.
PICK: Cardinals

Colts at Chargers - Seems that every Chargers game is poorly officiated. Or maybe they just suck? Who knows! Goooo Norv Turner!
PICK: Colts

Packers at Saints - Two teams who really need this one. I am inclined to think that the Packers would win this game because they want to lead the division, and Aaron Rodgers is desperately trying to prove himself. I also feel that the Packers great pass defense could be a major hinderance to Drew Brees. I don't think it matters. I can't see the Saints giving this game up, not at home, not now, not with the season on the line.
PICK: Saints

Well, there you have it. We'll see how I do come Tuesday morning. You can hassle me then.

Friend: his latte art was great at work today
Me: what in the assfuck is latte art and is it something that is going to piss me off
Friend: it's just how they pour the milk into the espresso
Friend: they're supposed to pour a cerrtain way so there is a design on top instead of just like, foam
Friend: but apparently they're hard to get perfect, and he is like almost as good after just a couple months as the boss's son who has been practicing for years
Friend: it's not like he draws pictures in the lattes

Maybe I am a simple person. Maybe I am ignorant of art, or just ignorant in general. Perhaps I don't think on the same level as other people. Any of these could very possibly be true, and I don't discount them.

But seriously, what the fuck?

Who in the hell looks at a cup of coffee and judges it by how the foam is poured on top? Does the way the coffee tastes actually matter to these people, or is it purely about aesthetics? Sounds great to me, I'll open a coffee house, brew with instant coffee but make sure the foam on top is swirled in such a way that it looks as if the universe is contained in that foam! Sure, once they sip it it's destroyed and all they have left is a horrible cup of coffee, but they will remember the amazing foam pattern layered on top of the coffee.

What the hell is wrong with people? I swear to "god" shit like that is happening more and more in this country. Food is perfectly organized on a plate, as if I'm not going to tear into it. When I order a steak, I do not care about the garnish; it is in my way, I am going to eat this cow, stop throwing garbage on my food. It's not just food; it seems that aesthetics are more and more important in places that they shouldn't be. Now I know we all like to dress nicely and drive a nice looking car, but please follow me on this one: PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY UPSET ABOUT THE WAY THE FOAM ON THEIR LATTE IS SHAPED. Please read that sentence again.

More and more things like this are happening that make me feel completely disconnected from everyone else in this society. A few years back, a law was passed in California (I believe in San Francisco) that required that on legal documents, people be referred to as "pet guardians" and not "pet owners." California is in the middle of a monster financial crisis and these morons are seriously telling us that we don't own pets, that we just take care of them. This makes me want to eat a wider variety of animals; cats, dogs, ferrets, mice, and guinea pigs are all now my meals because I'm going to steal them from you pet guardians.

Doesn't anyone in this country just live a day without worrying about the most politically correct mundane nonsense anymore? I can't wait until eating animals is outlawed in this country; I'll be labelled a terrorist for slaughtering cows in front of PETA headquarters, and I'll be sent to the mental institution as I laugh my way into death, when no one has said anything funny.

If you don't get the title of this post, you really need to stop whatever it is that you are doing and watch Arrested Development, which is the single funniest TV show ever. I got drunk last night and made a Facebook group saying that we intend to organize a letter campaign lobbying FOX to go through with the movie. We'll see if that happens.

That awesome tangent aside, I said something in the site info post that got me thinking...why the hell am I blogging? It is essentially a post on a website that no one has to read, and is technically, by virtue of how big the internet is alone, very unlikely to be spread amongst any substantial group of people. It's almost like going out on a street corner and just saying things, not shouting them, but saying them; who the hell is gonna hear you, and if they do, who the hell cares?

This could lead me to believe that I shouldn't even bother. If no matter what I do, I have no chance at success or wide readership, what's the point? This, however, is a defeatest attitude. As a brilliant (obviously) college student, every week I subject my English class to insane ramblings about myself, including that I smoke crack, eat cats, all sorts of nonsense. They love it. Everyone cracks up at the shit I say if for no other reason than the fact that they just can't believe I said it. Even if they feel it isn't true (the majority of it is not), it's still funny, and we all still have a good time. That's what this is.

Even if I was only able to have an effect on a few people, I would still do it. Viewpoints matter, and being able to express them is important. I think people blog because even if no one reads it, they still got it out there and it stays. This isn't going to drift off into nothingness if no one reads it immediately, it will still be here. It's like a personal journal, but with the potential to reach other people, and if I ever stop drinking enough to say something profound, maybe that would have a positive effect on the world, or at least the small group of people around me. It would be small, but nonetheless true.

Isn't that really what matters?

So. Essentially what happened is my good friend Rum and I fell off the map. He works for a living and actually does stuff, and I...don't. But in the interest of how sweet we are, he renewed the membership (the site had been stolen by domain squattors) and we are yet again, Rumfork! The best site on the internet that probably no one reads.

This may appear to be the same blog as before but it's actually different. Genius that I am, I lost my login and password to the other blog and so rather than waiting to have Rum reset it, I just installed a new blog engine. The info will probably be consolidated and even though people who read the old info will not be reading this...it doesn't matter, I'm probably just talking to myself anyway.

Which raises an interesting point. I want to consolidate Rum's info onto this page because what he wrote was funny and interesting, but I want to delete everything I ever wrote before. Do you ever look back on your life and see what you did and realize that...you were a dumbass? I do. I do that all the time, and in the spirit of that, everything I ever wrote on this page in the past will never be here again and it will be an all new Fork posting the same ridiculous information that you have not come to know and love since no one is reading this page.

But that's all for now. What will happen here? I think Rum and I will come up with some interesting (albeit crazy) shit for you to read and whatnot, and maybe this site will circulate a bit. I also know that I personally have things to say and this will be an outlet for me, whether or not anyone reads it. I suppose...check back. Stuff will come.