Rumfork Sages

A new, but quite interesting friend, told me tonight that she found my introspection on this site interesting. With that in mind, I figured I'd post some more. I should note that the following thoughts do not apply to the few people close to me, and also this friend who commented on the introspection. So, onward.

I think that when I tell people that I hate people, they think I'm kidding. I am not. I often shudder in disgust at the mere thought of like, having to talk to someone, or listen to someone, or think about someone.

Let's take for example my prior relationship that I am so not at all bitter (yeah right) about. The ex-girlfriend in question was Canadian. I now literally cringe anytime I see anything Canadian, hear about someone from Canada, find out someone is from Canada, see the word Canada (it's hard to type this paragraph), see the name of a city in Canada...anything to do with Canada.

Why do I do that? Canada has not wronged me. If she had been American, I would not have decided that I hate all Americans. Interestingly, I believe I would grow to hate the state she was from. It's a local thing; I hate the province she was from more than others, and the city she was from more than anything else. That is a city I used to love, but now that I associate it with her, I completely despise it and will never go back there.

So let's run with this logic. I hate everything having to do with our neighbors to the north because of some bitch; it's an association issue. So what is it that I am associating people with that makes me so angry so easily? Certainly not all people have done anything to me, in fact over 6 billion people have done nothing to me, and yet I still have an amazing amount of contempt for these people.

I have really come to the conclusion that the issues of a few become the issues of many with me. My latte art rant in an earlier post is a perfect example; I fucking hate people who think latte art is interesting, or even...art. That is just one thing that makes me hate people just a little bit more. I was recently discussing art with family. They brought up some artist (I'm not going to repeat the name because I hate him) who intends to cover the Arkansas river with a tarp.

Why? Why would anyone do this? Why in the hell would anyone waste their time putting a goddamn tarp over a river? What the hell? I have heard that they expect 350,000 people to show up to this "event." Who takes time out of their lives to look at a fucking TARP?

Most times when I talk to a new person I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. The things that people say confuse the hell out of me; not because I can't understand, but because I can't understand just why the hell they think I care. I actually seek out people to talk to, and then when I do, I often wonder why I did it.

I could argue that I am more agitated these days because of the breakup, but anyone who knows me will tell you that is 100% untrue. I'm actually less annoyed than usual, a fact which is completely fucking confusing to me (it's medication). All this together, I am damn grateful for the few people I do actually like, because they keep me sane, and make me feel like I'm not actually going to flip out and blow my own head off.

I guess I just want to solve all of this. People always say "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" (this also pisses me off, by the way), and even if that were somehow true, who the hell said I had an issue loving myself? I just want to talk to more people who aren't fucking morons. It's mostly annoying because even in my fucked up relationship, I had a real connection, and now I've lost that. How will I find it again? Who the hell knows.

"God" save anyone who gets in my way.

I used to have these crazy women, three of them with children, who would constantly talk to me and try to get me to enter a relationship with them. No matter how much I told them that I was not interested in a relationship, they repeatedly attacked me, seeming to think that just by being a bitch I would suddenly come around and love them. You can tell by the title of this post that it did not work.

But man, ever since I ran them off, I really am bored. It used to be fun to deal with their repeated advances, the constant text messaging, and just the general attention brought on by all those crazy women who seemed to think that I was just the right thing for them. The ones with children especially baffle me...I mean seriously, you want me to play father to your child? They always said that their children had nothing to do with it, but because I'm not an idiot, I knew better. However, they did their best to flip out and try to trap me whenever I did mention that portion. I skillfully avoided their pathetic attempts to rope me in with the following points:

I Drink - And I certainly don't mean the occasional beer. I mean I drink a 12 pack before I drive to the bar to drink 15 more. If you still think I'm someone you want to be around, then you should probably read on (side note: one of the psychos just called me! Yay! Time to fuck with her head!).

I Gamble - This does not mean I play penny slots. This means that I bet thousands of dollars on sports games and spend thousands on hold 'em poker. Do you want to pay rent next month? Date me, and we'll see if you can!

I Smoke Cigars - There is nothing better than a beer, two hole cards, a game I've got money on on TV, and a Cuban cigar. Perhaps if I could be having sex at the same time that would be better, but for the purposes of this article, these three are the best. I love cigars so much. I've never met a woman who did. Despite this, I wouldn't quit smoking them. Cigars are better than arguing over something I don't even understand (SUBTLE HINT).

I Play Video Games - Not WoW or lame shit like that, but those games of the sports variety. If I turn on NBA 2K9, expect me to play for the next 10 hours. You're welcome to join me or talk to me while I do it, but why the hell should I have to stop? I've spent plenty of time doing things for women but reciprocity doesn't seem to exist. Goddamn psychos.

I Make Jokes - This seems to fly with women until you are dating them. Then suddenly it's okay for them to mock you, but not for you to mock them. In order to deal with psychos, I make it clear that I intend to mock them by incessantly mocking them. All the time. At every turn.

I Lie - Not about whether or not I ate meat when you are trying to get me to do some dumbass cleanse. I come up with the most insane lies you could think of all the time, and I will always be trying to convince you of them. Only one person in history has been able to call me on my lies, and that was only after years, and that was only because I didn't try very hard with them because I actually cared about that person. I don't care about you, and I'll lie to you.

I Know That Men And Women Are Different - This could alternately be titled I Am Sexist. Any man you meet thinks you are crazy. Women are crazy, that's just how it is. I hate women who can never accept this. Women have three physiological goals; 1) Get married, 2) Raise family, 3) Destroy a man's life. Here's the thing: as long as you know we are crazy, we are okay with it. It's just nice to know that you accept the fact that we are always going to be confused at just what the hell you are talking about.

No matter how much I mentioned this shit, they never went away. It seems there is no way to make them go away forever. One has started texting me again, another has just called me. I told her I would call her back. Normally I wouldn't, but I have been bored lately without a throng of less than mentally stable females to play with. I'll have to call her back later than I said I would and say rude things and then make her admit she has feelings for me. I guess no matter how hard you push, they never really go away. Guess I'll have to go back to using sex is a weapon. They never learn.

I think I'm kind of bitter and hate everything and everyone.

Wooo am I getting my ass kicked right now. Looks like an 7-9 type week for me in picks. And the Patriots got blown out. This week sucks. However, what matters? Lock picks! 3-0 in those. You can take my locks to the bank.

I came over to my parents' house to enjoy a delicious thanksgiving meal. Upon walking in, I noticed that my mother had not cooked the traditional turkey meal, but instead had cooked a republican person and covered him in what she called hypocrite sauce. It was delicious!

I don't know the republican's name, but I bet it was dick, because that's what they all are. It didn't taste like dick though, at least i think. I have never eaten a dick, despite all of my attempts to do so in life. No one is willing to cut it off so that i may fry it in some sort of apple glaze...maybe it is a dessert type treat.

The best part of the meal, as usual, was the stuffing. It was made of bread crumbs, some other stuff, human liver, and then some kind of vegetable. Put that with potatoes and the rolls and it was mmm mmm good.

So after the day was over, and we had enjoyed watching the Lions get beaten so badly that I had an orgasm (think about it for a second and you'll get it, i hope, otherwise you are too stupid to read this site), we settled in to watch the cardinals - eagles game. I predicted that the cardinals win, but despite them getting back into the game in the second half, they blew it. Then i pissed all over the couch because that really made me angry.

Anyway 4 am rolled around, and I decided it was time to go out drinking. All of the bars and liquor stores here are closed at that time to i clicked my heels three times while saying "i want to fuck a hooker" and suddenly i was in las vegas. i was joined by two people who i didnt know, but we became fast friends. we went to a bar, and i promptly odered three hundred beers. i drank them all in 42 seconds, and then it was time to go gamble.

i went to a blackjack table and promptly bet 42 million dollars on one hand. the dealer insisted that it was a $5 minimum, and that just because I had written "42 million" on a $1 bill, it didn't count. i then scrambled around in my socks and found $4 in pennies, and threw that all on the table. i then hit 300 blackjacks in a row and made some amount of money, i dont remember.

then i went to find hookers. my favorite kind of girl is one with a snaggletooth and 3 or four legs, and there are like 9 of those in every hotel in vegas, so i got three of them and took them to my room. i had them all get naked and pretend to blow me while i stood up and reciting shakespearean sonnets in a 1940s french accent. i pretended to had an orgasm, then "went to the bathroom" and slipped out the window without paying the hookers.

the problem was i was on the 92nd floor, so i fell pretty far. i hit the ground, but luckily i was outside a hospital, and since all hospitals are surrounded by the padding slaughtered infidels, i was fine. i then proceeded to rent a car to drive to hawaii.

it was a long drive to hawaii because they were doing construction on the bridge that im making up. but i finally got there and i promptly adopted 59 17 year old boys that i turned into a football team. we won the nfl championship in 35 seconds (i stole a trophy) and then i bought a plane and flew it to las vegas again.

the hookers were waiting for me at the airport, because i had stiffed them on paying them before, but i distracted them with the shiny metal trophy and got away. i went to the greyhound station because i decided i wanted to ride in some real luxury, and i came back to denver.

when i got here, i came back over to my parents house and had some thanksgiving leftovers. it was pretty good except the dead republican was dry. i think my mom said she will marinate it in the blood of evangelicals next year in order to get that good flavor locked in. i think that is a good idea.

also can anyone change a 5

Hellllloooo. After an 11-5 start to my pick season last week (which was unfotunately...well, obviously, late) I return with my Week 13 Picks. These are obviously early, due to the Thanksgiving games tomorrow, but all picks for the week will be here.

People have asked me about how I would bet, and in all honesty, I wouldn't bet all 16 games in any given week (or less depending on byes). I would only bet a certain number of games that I was absolutely confident in my picks, and since I'm sick of using hindsight as a way to determine this ("oh I definitely would have bet on this well no I don't have proof why do you ask?"), I'll be including for the rest of the season my Lock Picks of the Week. These are games that I am absolutely positive about the outcome and would bet quite a bit on them myself (and often will). I will group my Lock Picks first, followed by the remaining picks. There is no set number of games I'll Lock, as in any given week there could be 1 or 5, no one really knows. That being said, Week 13!

Lock Picks

Titans at Lions - Find me someone who doesn't have the Titans as a Lock in this game.
LOCK PICK - Titans

Seahawks at Cowboys - The Seahawks are an absolute mess. Mike Holmgren is done after this season and it seems to me that Matt Hasselbeck is on the downside of a semi-successful career. There's just no way Seattle can get this done, especially on the road.

LOCK PICK - Cowboys

Dolphins at Rams - The Dolphins, despite being shredded by Matt Cassel and co. last week, are still in the AFC playoff hunt. The Rams are abismal in every facet of the game; forget the two game abberation earlier this season, it just doesn't matter anymore. Miami is not going to lose two in a row, not when they have a chance at a monster one season turnaround.

LOCK PICK - Dolphins.

And the rest...

Cardinals at Eagles - Is it Donovan McNabb? Or is it Kevin Kolb? Or...McNabb? Or...Kolb? Pulling Donovan in the middle of a 10-7 game for a guy without any experience, then watching him blow the game, then giving it time and eventually going back to the original starter...yeah. For give me if I have little faith in the Eagles. The Cardinals have the potential to put this one away early, but don't be surprised if they do try and blow it (a la...the Cardinals). But they won't, Andy Reid is just too good at losing.

PICK - Cardinals

49ers at Bills - This game is kind of ridiculous. In both cases, you do not know which team is going to show up. Shaun Hill looked pretty good last week in Dallas, but the 49ers cannot get it done in the Red Zone. Buffalo started out strong, and completely fell apart. I think either of these teams has the potential to blow it up, but because of how good Buffalo looked last week against KC...it's them.

PICK - Bills

Ravens at Bengals - I really did have to think about including this in my Locks, but I didn't for a couple of reasons. For one, the Bengals, despite how terrible they have been, still have the ability to get it done. I know I mocked them last week, but at home, with the Ravens in the playoff hunt, don't think that Ocho Cinco would love to play spoiler, and he can. I don't think he will, but this isn't going to be a runaway win for Baltimore.

PICK - Ravens

Saints at Bucs - I'm pretty sure the majority of pundits are going to have Tampa in this one. Both teams have played some good football the past few weeks, but the Saints showed their stuff on monday. The problem - a short week. However, despite being on the road, and despite the short week, I think the Saints are going to win a close one. Drew Brees is on fire right now, and he absolutely cannot be stopped. I think there will be a lot of scoring in this one, but I look for the Saints to win their third straight.

PICK - Saints

Giants at Redskins - I still don't care what people say, the Giants are overrated. Yes, they are a good team, but they are not as good as advertised. I thought the Cardinals could expose them this week, but they came up short. I look for the same upset this week, by the Skins.

PICK - Redskins

Colts at Browns - This is a tough one. With Brady Quinn out of the fold for the season, I think Cleveland can go back to its previous power. The Colts certainly have looked unstoppable recently, however, so the question remains: will the return of DA be enough to stop the Colts? I have to call the upset in this one. It's just that kind of game.

PICK - Browns

Panthers at Packers - This one is tough. Both of these teams looked pretty bad last week, but the Packers looked so much worst. It's winter in Lambeau, however, and I look for Aaron Rodgers to bounce back and pick up a hard fought win.

PICK - Packers

Falcons at Chargers - All the press in the world about how great your players are means precisely dick when you're as overrated as San Diego.

PICK - Falcons

Broncos at Jets - I hate this game. I need the Jets to lose, but I hate to root for the Broncos. Sadly, I don't think it matters; the Broncos have no ability to stop Jet Favre and not enough ability to stop Kris Jenkins.

PICK - Jets

Steelers at Patriots - Matt Cassel is only the 5th QB in NFL history to pass for back to back 400 yard games. Ben Roethlisberger is repeatedly referred to as "Elite" despite being repeatedly sacked. Every year for the past few, the Steelers are supposed to be the ones who finally stop the Patriots. And they don't.

PICK - Patriots

Chiefs at Raiders - It's the battle of two teams who suck but still managed to beat Denver. I am loving Tyler Thigpen, and I think he is the future in KC. I think he can put up great numbers in Oakland, certainly enough to prevent the massive blowout that occured last time that actually made Oakland look good. Two things matter this week though: Tom Cable taking over the playcalling and finding a way to win in Denver, and Herm Edwards absolutely being unable to win any game ever down the stretch no matter the situation.

PICK - Raiders

Bears at Vikings - This is going to be one hell of a game. The Vikings have an alright passing game, a fantastic running game, an amazing run defense and a so-so pass defense. The Bears have a solid ground game, a solid passing game, and a great defense. This game is pretty evenly matched; I give the edge to the Vikings for one reason: his name is Adrian Peterson. Let's take the Vikings seriously, folks.

PICK - Vikings

Jaguars at Texans - It's the "Who's More Disapointing?!" Bowl. Guess what...it's the Jaguars.

PICK - Texans

That's Week 13. I'll update as we go. You're going to be calling me a visionary for that Browns upset pick.

This is a story I wrote years ago, entitled: "I Smoked Lots of Drugs." Before moving on, please remember that I am in therapy and on medication now...but I still think this is absolutely hilarious.

"When most people talk about substance abuse, they will say that maybe once or twice they tried Marijuana (they always call it marijuana because they think it sounds better), but they didn't like it and never did that or anything again. They lie. Everyone does drugs, or has done drugs. Or will. The people who say they've never done anything are all 35 and they are dating someone in elementary school. I did a study.

Most people lie, but not me. No siree, I smoked a lot of drugs. And I ate and snorted some too. Not some, a lot. While other people were studying to become doctors and policemen and pencil engineers, I was smoking lots of drugs.

Not only did I smoke smokable drugs, but I also smoked non-smokable drugs. I once dropped a pill of acid in my crack pipe and smoked it. And it worked pretty well, because it was just like acid.

One time I had been smoking crack all day, and I was so high that I tried to smoke a lounge chair. My other friends tried to stop me but they were on heroin and were just sitting on the couch staring forward. Then some of them took speed and they stopped me from smoking the lunge chair and they also ran to the store and back twenty-seven times and then they were tired and they smoked some weed to relax.

For my third grade show and tell project, I tried to make a chart of all the drugs I had done. But I had done so many drugs that it wouldn't fit. So I just made a small chart of some of the drugs I had done. And then they kicked me out of school and I had to go to detox and reform school.

Reform school was hard because I could only smoke crack four times a day, instead of 8. By the way, you may be asking where I got the money for all of this, being however old I was, and it was easy: I robbed banks.

Yep I was the only third grader ever to rob a bank. But I took speed in case that I had to kill someone right before I did it so I was able to show I meant business by beating a large patron into a coma with merely a magic marker. After that I would rob banks and then do drugs until I needed money to rob another bank, and I would.

And I got away with it because I was a little third grader. No one believed I could be robbing banks but I was. So I kept all my money in a hole I dug in the ground and lined with a soundproof liner. I put my drugs in there too.

As my life progressed, people tried to send me to programs that would fix me so I wouldn't do all the drugs anymore. But I would just do the drugs while I was at the clinics and no one could stop me and it was pretty funny.

And then finally I turned 30 and I had done so many drugs that I couldn't say any sentences other than "The rooftop is burned while the chicken hatch ate my only strawberry scalding lunch noodle!" Doctors tried to save me but couldn't. Then some people tried to kill me but they couldn't do that either.

So then someone decided that if they cut my brain out that maybe I'd stop working and I'd just fall over and die. So they did that but I lived and I could still say the sentence. It was weird. So they decided to put a new brain in me so that maybe I would be able to think.

They put this one dudes brain in me and my body was excited and now, as you can see, I can speak perfectly. My body was so energized that I now use 38% of my brainpower instead of the regular 10% humans use. I'm the smartest person there ever was.

So you see 2004 Class of Harvard, drugs are fantastic. Everyone should do as many drugs as they can (without ODing) until their brain can only say one sentence. Then we can switch out the brain and you'll be really fucking smart. We'll have a race of super humans, all thanks to crack and coke and heroin and every other possible drug that you can think of. Congratulations class of 2004, keep smokin' till you can't think no more!"

So anyone who knows me knows of my current ongoing saga, which I'll refer to as "The Battle of My Ex-Girlfriend." Ever since we broke up I am continually doing two things: one is insulting her, and the other is talking about how much I want her back.

I was talking to a friend the other day after English class, and when I told him I actually didn't want physical harm to occur to my ex (sometimes this is debatable), he was surprised, because as he pointed out, "You hate her!" Indeed...

But do I really? I am repeatedly catching myself using phrases like, "I love that stupid bitch," or "I hope that fucking whore gets the plague but if she came back to me right now I'd be so happy." It outlined to me how seriously close love and hate actually are on the spectrum of emotions. It's like throwing sand at a girl on the playground in first grade; we love her so much, we must attack her.

It is incredibly difficult to get over someone you were in love with, even if the relationship is completely flawed and absolutely wrong and fucked up like ours was. People tell me I need to stop caring and the funny thing is, after realizing all of this, it seems like maybe if I got myself to stop hating her, I would be able to use that to stop loving her too. If they truly are one in the same, and in fact related, removing my anger towards her would also at least partially remove my love for her and at least allow me to socially function. That would be nice.

Here's the problem: I'm angry. I hold grudges. I want others to be miserable if I am miserable. I want her to suffer in the same way that I have suffered. One of my friends couldn't wrap her head around this; she asked me, assuming I could remove myself from the situation, if I loved her so much and viewed her as such a good person, didn't I want her to be happy? If I found out she had moved on and was with someone who made her happy, wouldn't that make me happy?

No. I don't understand this concept. Who the fuck wants others to be happy when they can't be happy? I have done so much for those around me in this world who have done nothing for me, and now I am supposed to be happy for everyone else? It's ridiculous! Why don't you people ever grow a pair and recognize that "being happy for them" is not worth sacrificing your own happiness.

As for me, I guess I've proven with this angry rant that I won't be getting over her anytime soon. Ah, fuck it. I just can't help loving that stupid, self-centered, uncaring, lazy bitch.

Update: Post SNF, 10-5. Just one more game tomorrow. Ten and five. Sounds to me like I should leave this website behind and be a gambler, hmm?

Thus far it looks like I'll be 9-5 up to this afternoon's games. Pretty damn good I must say. Couple of big surprises this week, certainly. Looks like you motherfuckers should have gambled with my picks, hmm?

Another Arrested Development reference in the title. Watch the fucking show.

Anyway, we at Rumfork.com now present, "Why You Don't Want To Work at a Dollar General":

Kellizaber says:
Oh I didn't tell you the fun part about today
Kellizaber says:
Some mentally disabled girl broke through the back door of the store and set off the alarm
Kellizaber says:
And when I say broke through, I mean broke through
Kellizaber says:
That thing has a heavy duty lock and she burst through the door
Kellizaber says:
It was hilarious
Kellizaber says:
The girls mom wouldn't let me turn the alarm off
Kellizaber says:
She was all, "Call the police! Call the police! She's not coming back!"
Kellizaber says:
I don't know where the girl took off to
Kellizaber says:
I felt bad
Kellizaber says:
But then the lady just went home without trying to find the girl
Kellizaber says:
I hope the lady gets hit by a car

I don't even have a comment, that's how fucking great that is.