Rumfork Sages

HEATHER OWNS THREE BOTTLES OF SPRITE

I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS

Some of my favorite lines in Hip-Hop...

"I put a hole right in your chest, stick a knife in your soul and take your life after takin' your death."

"Anytime it comes to showin' it runs the show when it comes to flowin', I go and becomes the poet."

"Y'all niggaz know where my heat stay at, I leave niggaz M-I-A and I ain't talkin' where the heat play at."

"The only way I'd get blue balls is if a bitch had blue lipstick."

"I don't need 50 cent, my niggaz make collect calls."

"I might never sell that much, but you can bet your last two quarters I'd never tell that much."

"I send a clip to your mouth, back of the gun to your nose, front of the gun to your clothes, I let it rip and I bounce."

"Systematic global geographic systemic neosynapses, reload the graphics, notice I spit it rapid."

"I should leave this rap shit alone, and kick my incredible rhymes in the privacy of my own home."

"Never mattered to him that art galleries hated him, 'cause Thomas Kinkade called and said he would take ten complete enigmas, wrapped in puzzles, encrypted in language, with sound but without shape or signature."

I'll add more to the top as time goes on and raise the post to the top of the list.

I got drunk last night and posted this on Craigslist:

"lets fuckin date and shit - 22 (lakewood)

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Reply to: pers-948195490@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-06, 11:18PM MST

i bet you are awesome. you know what else is awesome? me. do you know why? because i am druuuunnnk. i bet you are druuuunnnk too cuz its saturday. people like to drink on saturday, am i right? fuckin right i am.

you know what i like? i like curvy girls with big asses. i am obsessed with that. skinny chicks with no body and A cups should just fuck off, okay?

you know what else? im fucking overweight, okay? im not some fucking ripped bitch who spends all his time combing his hair trying to compare himself to a fucking abercrombie ad. i do not now and never have worn hollister lame ass shit, and if you like the kind of guys who wear that shit, which, by the way is made for women and if you disagree with me you are wrong, and...to make the point i was trying to make, i never will.

i like video games, sports, cigars, drinking, and gambling. dont like it? great, dont fucking email me. you know what i want? i want someone who is fucking real, who recognizes that no one is fucking perfect, and that all we can do as people is try to adjust what we do within our own comfort zone to make our significant others' happy.

if you think this is ad is ridiculous, don't even e-mail me; you're too stupid to see reality anyway. intelligent women are all i want to hear from. men have been fucking narrowed down and discriminated to shit on this site by you women who post ads; guess what, it's time for the reverse. no uptight, annoying, unitelligent, hollister wearing, killers listening, paris hilton obsessing bitches need apply.

fuck you. if you think this is funny, email me."

Best. Post. Ever.

Week 12 was good. Week 13 was bad. Let's hope for the former. As previously mentioned, since I did not get these up in time for the Chargers-Radiers game, that will be left out (despite the fact that I would have picked the Chargers). To the picks:

Lock Picks (3-0 so far)

Vikings at Lions - An NFL judge this week blocked the Suspensions of Kevin and Pat Williams, among others. What does that mean for this game? The Lions are fucked.

PICK - Vikings

Bengals at Colts - Hey, Chad Ocho Cinco - you should change your name to Chad Uno. Why? That's the number of wins you'll have this season.

PICK - Colts

Browns at Titans - The top two Browns quarterbacks are done for the year. Their special teams return man wants a shot. Other than that, they have Ken Dorsey, who has a phenomenal career QB rating of 63.5. Cue the Jeff George jokes.

PICK - Titans

Patriots at Seahawks - The Seahawks are the best 2-10 team in the NFL!

PICK - Patriots

Rams at Cardinals - For two weeks this year, the Rams were dominating, getting it done on both ends of the field, and winning games. It happened right after Scott Linehan was fired. Time to fire Jim Haslett and hope for the same effect.

PICK - Cardinals

Regular Ol' Picks

Jaguars at Bears - Chicago is fighting for their playoff lives, and the light is starting to fade. Jacksonville sucks. I am still laughing and talking about how right I was about that $60 million David Garrard contract. Suck it, Del Rio.

PICK - Bears

Eagles at Giants - While I hate the Giants and still believe them to be overrated, there is one true fact about the Eagles that outshines all of my disdain for all New York sports franchies - they cannot win a damn game they need, ever.

PICK - Giants

Falcons at Saints - Drew Brees is unstoppable, but the Saints still struggle to win games. The Falcons have been fantastic all year. This is an absolutely tough one to call as I believe the Falcons are the better team, but I have the feeling that the Saints pull this one out at home. Call it a gut instinct.

PICK - Saints

Texans at Packers - It's the battle of two of this season's most disappointing teams. I, like many others, really thought the Matt Schaub move was right for Houston, but it does not appear to be turning out that way. If he doesn't turn it on next season, officially call it a bust - 'til now, he's been hit by so many injuries that it's hard to tell. This game, however, is pretty easy - the Texans just aren't going to win at Lambeau.

PICK - Packers

Dolphins at Bills - This game is an interesting one. Two division rivals, both surprisingly good this year, but the Dolphins are surging as of late while the Bills are fading. The Dolphins are the better team, and the Bills lose some of their home field advantage playing in Toronto. By the way, my Canadian hatreds aside, what the NFL is doing to the Bills by practically forcing them to Toronto is absolutely disgusting. Roger Gooddell has done a few things, but in my book, this is a joke. More on that later.

PICK - Dolphins

Jets at 49ers - This would be a game if the 49ers actually had a complete football team.

PICK - Jets

Chiefs at Broncos - Earlier this year, Kansas City stunned Denver with a win in KC. Despite how bad Denver has been at home, I seriously doubt that will happen again.

PICK - Broncos

Cowboys at Steelers - Marion Barber is out for this game. What does that mean for the Cowboys? Not a damn thing, because they would have lost anyway. Go ahead and start the "BUT LOOK AT HOW WELL TASHARD CHOICE DID" comments.

PICK - Steelers

Redskins at Ravens - Is this really a road game for Washington? These two teams are so close together it doesn't seem to matter. In baseball, the Nationals don't even have their own broadcasting rights for fear of infringing on the Orioles market. That aside, the Ravens have been impressive with QB Joe Flacco, despite the fact that he's not exactly a statistical monster. Credits to first year head coach John Harbaugh for game management. The Ravens D isn't gonna let Campbell do anything.

PICK - Ravens

Buccaneers at Panthers - The winner of this one sits on top of the NFC South. This game to me is absolutely a home team wins game, so it's the Panthers.

PICK - Panthers

Now, onto the Gooddell situation. Moving NFL games to Canada is one thing, but moving an entire team is another. Buffalo has a great, loyal fanbase, but because it is technically a small market it seems the NFL is pressuring the Bills to move. This is ridiculous. They know that Bills fans will continue to go to the games because it's only a couple hour drive over the border to Toronto, while they will be able to edge their way into the Canadian market. I am against this, only because Buffalo does not deserve to have its team forced into a nother country in an attempt to gain broadcasting rights. If they want an expansion team, fine, but don't steal a team because you're all greedy bastards who don't make enough money from your multi-billion dollar industry.

As far as Europe goes, that is fucked up too. Not only do they move games to London, but they also force season ticket holders to pick up tickets at the stadium in London, meaning you can't sell your tickets. Now I know that most people who have season tickets can probably afford to go to London to watch the games, but there are still a lot of people who cannot. Not letting them sell their tickets is absolutely outrageous. Some teams go so far as to force you to pay for Personal Seat Licenses - a fee you pay in order for the right to buy your season tickets. That's right: you pay in order to pay.

I absolutely love to go to the games and watch my team live, but it's getting to a point where it's not worth it. The amount of money you have to spend for good seats is so unbelievable that you might as well buy a recliner and a 60" flat screen and enjoy the game from home on the satellite TV package you bought as opposed to mortgaging your soul for tickets. Football fans do not go to games anymore; marketing reps who won this week's tickets do. People who don't know a damn thing about the game. This is not true in all cases, but it is way too true to be ignored.

Hey, Roger. Do you even care about your fans?

I have recently made the fucking dumbass mistake of using Craigslist to try to meet people. I must be as fucking dumb as the rest of the fucking population, because the only e-mails I have received have been from e-mail addresses like "RoseAdams@californiaapartmentrents.com" or "hotnsexy233243452@gmail.com."

Now, I noticed these addresses, but I also realized this fact: the very nature that spam has existed this long means that it absolutely must work on SOMEONE, otherwise what would be the point? Who the fuck out of all the fucking morons on the planet sees an email from someone "@californiaapartmentrents.com" and thinks this is a genuine person interested in talking to them? Do fucking people honestly see this shit and think that this person is just a real estate agent interested in them?

I should be honest though, this isn't only about this e-mail. After all, I was the fucking retard stupid enough to think that Craigslist might be a way to meet actual humans; I should be beaten to death for that alone. However, this anger is also brought on by some stupid fucking whore I have talked to in recent years texting and then calling me tonight and saying things that have made me so angry I want to fucking explode so that I don't have to live another second.

I tried, I mean really tried, to be nice to her. I said things I thought she would perceive as nice. She then had the gall to mention how happy she was, and then ask me how happy I was; it doesn't seem that bad to the casual observer, but to those who know this friendship, it was a bragging move; she wanted me to know how happy she was while pointing out that I was not happy (so she assumed).

Too bad for her. I don't ever fucking get unhappy anymore, because I'm fucking awesome. After telling her that she did not understand me, she actually had the fucking balls to say to me that she didn't mean to EMASCULATE ME. Listen to me right now: no woman I have ever known has ever been important enough to EVER emasculate me, much less anything else she mentioned (like upsetting me) or anything fucking close to what she said. NO ONE IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO ME TO MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY.

What the fuck is wrong with all of you? What the fuck is wrong with you people that you all think you can be fucking cunts and when the person you are a cunt to gets pissed off, that you think you can make another cuntish comment, and get away with it? I'm so dead serious, fuck all of you and if you never read this site again I could fucking care less. Fuck you.

ONE TIME I RODE A SPOON TO THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE AND IT TOLD ME THAT IF I KEPT RIDING IT THAT IT WOULD KILL ME SO I GOT OFF AND LANDED IN NEW YORK CITY AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

then i went to a broadway play and it sucked ass because it was about some fags who did some gay shit and it was stupid, what kind of fags do gay shit, i mean seriously what the hell fuck that

then i purchased 9 forks. i used these forks to run through every restaurant in the city and start eating their food. i gained 900 lbs. so then i used the forks to cut my stomach out and then i was really skinny, but also my intestines were showing

SO I RAN THROUGH THE STREETS AND PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A MONSTER AND THEY RAN AWAY FROM ME AND I WAS ALL WAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND THEY WERE LIKE OH NO GOD PLEASE DONT KILL ME AND I WAS LIKE HAHAHAA IM GONNA KILL YOU BUT I DIDNT KILL ANYONE BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE THAT

do you know what i like? nothing at all. i dont like a god damn thing. i hate everything. why do i hate everything? because everything hates me. i am constantly under attack by people, violent cars, and lids from pickle jars. they just wont leave me the hell alone god damnit.

do you wanna know whats awesome? one time, by one time i mean like 4 times, i got high in the shower. im all smoking while taking a shower. its all whoaaaa man the water is like wet omg man what the helllll and i was like lol i actually said lol out loud. why would i do that? so i hit myself over the head with a stick.

then one time i got robbed and i thought they all came back cuz i was high and in the shower so i grabbed the shower rod ready to BEAT SOME ASS. so then i jumped out of the bathroom and they were there to rob me again and i was like YEAH RIGHT and they took out their guns but i was high so it was like bullet time so i was all bam bam bam knocking the bullets out of the air with the shower curtain rod. then they were out of bullets in all 19 of their guns and i was like ITS GO TIME and i ran after them and they took out ninja swords.

so im fuckin sitting there in attack mode swinging at them while they defend themselves with ninja swords and im all woochaaaa and hiyaaa and they're all wutapaaaaahhhh and im like fuck i gotta end this so i jumped in the air and flipped over them and broke the shower rod in mid air and stabbed them both in the back and i was all YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

so then i decided to run around naked but it was -40 degrees outside so im all running around and my dick shrunk into the size of an ant and it fucking curled up in my body and i was like WHO WANTS TO FUCK

holy fuck i cant wait for the dark knight to come out. the first time i saw it i was in a bad mood but the second time i saw it i loved it even more. that was pretty sweet.

Though the readership of this website is still fairly small at this point, I have received many comments about it. I am still hoping Rum will return to dominate with some awesome posts, but for the moment the return of Rumfork has been all Fork, and I have spoken to people about it and have received some interesting feedback.

Generally people have been describing it as funny and well written. This was confusing to me, as it suggests that I am perhaps a well-adjusted individual with a purpose and actual content. That is certainly not what I thought was going on, but apparently this site has developed an identity all its own while I have been writing; that identity is Crazy Bullshit.

Which, to be honest, is absolutely fine with me. I enjoy prattling on about sports, politics, women, whatever, and having a place to do that is certainly good. I guess what is happening though, whether the posts are meant to be serious or humorous, there is a bit of a form going on. There are a few rants, a few crazy stories, some sports, a couple of random ass posts, and some introspective stuff. While there is still no real central theme here, it seems there are several elements coming together into what other people would call an interesting blog to read.

However, my favorite feedback has to be from a female friend of mine who will remain nameless. In the hopes of obtaining an honest opinion, I linked her to the site and told her "some crazy bastard" I knew was writing it. I figured that if I called him nuts a few tiems, I could sway her into thinking she could be honest with me and thus she could read it and tell me what she really thought, and I'd have my answer about whether or not I was creating useful conent.

Her response to the page was pretty damn funny. She found everything humorous, but on more than one occasion remarked that the guy writing it absolutely had to be insane. This guy was off his rocker, absolutely ridiculous, but he was funny. I gotta say folks, this is exactly what I was going for when I came back to this thing; holy shit that guy is funny, but what the fuck is wrong with him?

In the end, I have to say that I am quite happy with myself at the moment. We tried before to come up with some form of content but could never really make it happen, and now that Rum has an actual life and is not free to dick around like I can because I'm a loser with no life, I have somehow all on my own stumbled across a mix of content that appears to be working. I'm not saying this is the most popular site on the internet, or even in the top 400 trillion, but I'm keeping a few people amused and that's good enough for me.

On a side note, I know I did not get this week's NFL picks up in time before the Chargers-Raiders game last night; my bad. I would have picked the chargers, but not as a lock, so you're not losing anything. I won't count that in this week's picks though, that would be cheating since I didn't post before the game. So we'll just pick the remaining 15 and call that Chargers win a moral victory. I need a bounce back week after last week's slaughter; but again, my lock picks were right on. I should be gambling!

This is the first essay I wrote for my english class this year. The assignment was to write about what we loved more than anything in the world.

Crack: My Invaluable Asset

Every person in this world has that one thing they cannot live without; be it their favorite sports team, some sort of food that soothes them when they are upset, or, in my case, the chemical addiction that only a hardcore drug can provide. I love smoking crack; I am in fact addicted, which furthers my love, but I also enjoy crack for a few key reasons. First and foremost of course, is the high provided with each deep inhalation, which I find cannot be matched no matter what you try or where you look. Furthermore, the economic stimulus that crack provides to my community is unmatched by any other product or service I can find. Finally, I have always been the type of person to struggle with social interaction, be it some sort of educational seminar or even a gathering at the mall, however, with my wonderful, wonderful crack, this is no longer a problem. I am a new man today, world, for with a pipe and a rock, I can conquer anything (within 5-10 minutes of having smoked that rock).

I am somewhat of a thrill seeker. I have, in my life, done many different things, attempting to live by the doctrine pushed on me by many a youth counselor, "The best high is life itself!" Sorry, American Youth Counselors, but I have to disagree. While some may enjoy the thrill that comes from jumping off rocks into water (which often features other rocks), scaling a mountain, or maybe even throwing caution to the wind and driving their car into a pole, I find that none of these things open my mind and stimulate the physical senses quite like a rock of crack. I'm no chemist, I can't exactly tell you what happens, but I'm guessing dopamine has to do with it, which provides and interesting side note to those who may say, "Hey Peter, you know that crack is unhealthy, right?" Nay, friend. When I smoke crack I may eat 4 pizzas in 12 seconds, but I then immediately run it off! So if I get all that exercise when I'm smoking a bowl, where is the downside? Game, set, match on the health issue.

I live in a small apartment building, and to the outward eye, it is not much, but peek inside and you will see a different story. Inside this small complex is a bustling economy, fantastic proof of supply schedule and demand schedule; I passed macroeconomics merely by speaking to my dealer! Every person who gains his way into the building through use of the secret pass phrase ("No, I'm not a cop, why?") is instantly treated to the best crack cocaine our building dealer has to offer. How does this have to do with economics you ask? Simple! When 20 crackheads are outside, and there is only enough of the sweet sweet white god for 10 of them, suddenly the price goes up! When 10 crackheads are outside, and there is enough for 20, prices drop to keep the crackheads coming to our building. That money does plenty good for the building, such as tipping the pizza delivery boy, and ensuring that the crack dealer can buy more crack. After all…we would never want to come down, would we?

I am currently going through a very rough breakup, and this only further hinders my already minimal social skills. At first, this seemed to be a hindrance that would be impossible to bypass, but thanks to crack, this is not so! I have met plenty of new people, men, women, menwomen, people who share plenty of my same goals, ideals, and hobbies (talking really fast, running really fast, smoking crack). This bond is one that cannot be broken (as long as we continue to purchase crack), and my new friends and I spend nearly everyday of the week together, speaking on all sorts of world issues; topics range from the legalization of drugs to when that damn pizza boy is going to be here. It is truly a diverse group of people, of all races and genders, who come together merely to socialize in a way that most of society fears. That's right: we're pioneers.

I could lie. I could say that the most important thing in my world is something others may find important like school or always knowing where to find my right arm (crack can sometimes be laced with amphetimines), but I am not that kind of man. No, I am a man of morals. A man who knows what he loves more than anything. I love crack!

In the wake of my unending bitterness towards my former female companion, it has been said to me by more than a few people that the best way to move on would be to enter into either a sexual or emotional relationship with another person, even if I know it would not be a long lasting one. Thus, I have found myself deciding that I will seek out a so-called "rebound" girlfriend sometime during the next month or so.

As I am an obviously picky person (at least in terms of dealing with, you know, people), I must have some sort of list of things I will look for in a female, ideally at least. I'm sure I don't fit into the plans of most females so I certainly won't blame them for thinking I'm a douchebag if I think many of them are bitches. In any case, I felt I would share this information with you, my loyal reader. So here we go: things I will look for in my rebound.

Intelligence - It's 10th grade. We are discussing, in history class, what America would do if another country came in and seized Baltimore. A girl in my class says, "Where's Baltimore?" I will NOT date someone like this.

Physical Attraction - At least I am honest enough to put this second on the list. Do you think any supermodels are come around wanting to date me? No. I think I'll just have to find someone who is just as comfortable with me as I am with them. Perhaps we will secretly resent each other over our looks. That might be fun.

Sense of Humor - No more dating girls who can't take a joke. I've certainly done enough of that. Bonus points if they can find sexism funny, either way.

Common Interests - I spent years with someone who didn't really like what I liked. I didn't like what she liked, necessarily, but I did my damnedest to try. She did not. So, failing someone who actually is interested in what I am, some sort of reciprocity in terms of attempting to care about the things that I care about (since I'd automatically try, I'm just that cool) would suffice. Bonus points here for a woman who likes sports (if she likes sports video games I will abandon the rebound title and propose).

I would prefer it if she didn't like "Sex and the City" - I know this is a really, really narrowed down section but...I just really fucking hate that show.

Some of the things on this list (with the glaring exception of that final point) are obviously a little bit broad, but perhaps that is the point. It is entirely possible that I could find some woman who does not fit this list perfectly that I would absolutely fall for. However, having done that before, and how it turned out...perhaps I should avoid that woman at all costs.

Maybe love is the main thing that gets in the way of happiness.

PS. I really want to stress that if I meet a girl who likes NCAA Football 09 or Madden or NBA 2K9 I am going to be in love. I mean how hard would that rule?