Rumfork Sages

Why do characters in movies get to see each other and know they love each other? Why do they get to recognize their connections immediately while the rest of us suffer through trying to build relationships?

Is there anyone out there who had an instantaneous bond with someone just after meeting them?

Am I the only one who wants this?

As you may know, the Great Spoon works at a dollar store somewhere around that random place you'd point to when you spin a globe and randomly stab your finger down on a country. Recently we have lost a lot of employees; or should I say that the amount of employees we have has fluctuated so much in the past few months that it's as if we never hired anyone new at all. I wish I had a graph. I don't so I will just throw some numbers out there...lies. I will make my own weird graph thing.

|||||||||||| - July
|||||||||| - August
||||||||||| - September
|||||||||| - October
||||||||| - November
|||||| - December

That is so completely inaccurate.

As of January it seems there will only be five of us. Our boss is leaving which makes the original team five people. There are two newbies who have been all but present. Jughead**, the most entertaining individual we've had in quite a while, is the person of topic today. Scheduled at 2:30 he showed up at 2:09 thinking he was nine minutes late. When the boss and I informed him that he was actually early he retreated to the back of the store to warm up and relax before his shift began. While in the back, he and I talked a bit about Christmas and I gave him a little present. He looked at his schedule and stood around while I counted down his drawer.

About three minutes before his shift would begin he told me that he needed to run to his car to retrieve his name tag. He's generally a forgetful guy. I forget my name tag all the time too. I said 'okay' and watched as he headed to the front of the store and out the door. After about five minutes I headed to the front of the store with his freshly counted drawer to see the big boss standing up front staring out the front window. Interesting, I said to myself. She laughed and said, "I don't know where Jughead went. He said he was going to his car to get his tag and he pulled out and left." I suggested that maybe he was getting a better parking space. "No, he was parked next to your car and now his car is gone. That is just bizarre." Indeed it was. My spot was the very first spot directly in front of the store, the closest you can get. Where on earth could he have gone?

Ten minutes later I clocked out and left. My shift was done and that's all I cared about. About two hours later I received a call from the MOD of the next shift. "Any chance you can come in tonight?" Apparently, Jughead never showed up again. He never called, never answered their calls to him; he just vanished.

We have had five or six no call/no shows that have up and quit with no warning in the past three months. As I was discussing with another key holder, you'd think that with the economy the way it is these people would stay here. Can it be that bad? And, if it is, what is so wrong with us that we are still there? It is definitely not a wonderful restaurant. I did learn my lesson though. Don't give anyone their Christmas presents until after they've put their hours in.

** Names have been changed to protect the identity of certain idiots that would not be able to protect themselves if someone went after a stupid person in their family.

I constantly hear from people that I should be nicer than I am. I don't understand why. Am I the only person that has ever been screwed over, or have the rest of you people just decided that it's okay to be treated like shit? Why not just continue to be nice and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, right? Fuck you.

I am just generally tired of idiots. I'm tired of people getting close and trying to take over your life, and trying to change who you are, and trying to make you everything you aren't. Women are notorious for that shit. I'm just waiting for the next woman to come along and view me as a project and try to change me.

I'm really not sexist, as the majority of my friends are female. I just guard myself against most women because outside of the few that I call my friends are a virtual googolplex of psychotic bitches.

Just...fuck it.

Allow me to preface the following with this...I'm drunk. So yeah.

I'm finding more and more than I have a lot of wisdom to distribute to people...backed up with actual life experience. The thing about all this wisdom is that I cannot follow it myself, so I end up giving people advice that I myself live against because in the end I can't take care of my own life first and foremost.

I really do like bad music when I drink. Along with good music, but I still like a lot of bad stuff.

I find the nature of this thing interesting. I try and try to come up with some form of cohesive content base but I always fail because in the end, I require somewhere to distribute thoughts to a broad base...and despite the fact that I know it's going nowhere, it still must be here. Worry not, loyal fan or three, the webcomic is still coming...but the comic posts will certianly be interlaced with random posts of thoughts of Fork himself.

One thing strikes me today more than any other day. We are, by nature, forced to be someone that we are not. It doesn't matter who we are...all of us are cornered into some sort of fabricated reality in which we think what others want us to think, and say what others want us to say. In the end, is that really so terrible? I think it is, but for the majority of people who merely want to fit in, is it really so bad to be forced to pretend to be a certain type of person? Most people will already morph their personality into something that others would enjoy...would it really be so bad for those people to undergo an entire personality switch? Probably not for them.

I think logic evades most people...they run on what their heart tells them to. Interestingly enough, I think that is the proper way to operate, but I am incapable of similar operation. I require logical deduction to arrive at all conclusions that lead to subsequent decision making. I wish I could follow my heart and do whatever it told me to, but I have done that before, and it lead me to nothing but heartbreak, and thus I shall not allow this type of wanton, useless, pointless decision making occur.

Despite what people say, I think that hip-hop is the most poetic of all forms of music. I speak as a hip-hop artist so I am of course biased. However, I think I could provide many lines to back up my point; but couldn't others provide several as a counter-argument? They probably could. However, many probably couldn't, and I'd win by default. Depressingly, the same could be said about those of fanship of my particular brand of music when battling someone of similar IQ who happened to be a fan of said brand of music.

I regret a lot in my past. There are so many things that I think listing them would be a huge waste of time. However, this thought brings me to a crossroads; were I to not regret said misdoings, would I in fact be the person I am today? Inexorably, the answer is no, but I still find myself wishing for the ability to correct those issues. In a past relationship, which in all honest has come to define myself as a person, sad as that may be, I may so many mistakes that I wish I could go back in time and repair what I did wrong. The funny thing is, even if I were to do that, some things the ol' ex has decided would've ended it all anyway. I know this and yet I wish I could have gone back and prolonged the relationship. If I did, I'd likely still be in pain, but despite knowing this, I still wish I was with her. I guess love matters more than pain when it's all said and done.

I'm really not in love with her anymore. I think I just miss having someone...and that alone means I'd still probably take her back.

That alone is terrible, but undeniable.

There once was a man named King Nod.
He ruled the country of Thailand.
He was born an epileptic.
He often shook without warning.
He had a servant named Patsy.
He beat Patsy regularly for laughing at his shaking.
One day Patsy asked King Nod if he would like a spinal tap.
King Nod went into an epileptic fit.
Patsy took this as a yes.
He then took a hammer and nail to King Nod's lower spine.
King Nod is now dead.

THE END.

Yet again I woke up hungover this morning, trying to figure out what damage I had done to my relationships after another night of just too much drinking. This time was actually less damaging than most, other than that tremendous post right below this one, but I thought a fun thing to do would be to go back through time and look at the things I've done while drinking that I had to apologize for the next morning.

Called my ex's mother - We were still together, but what the hell? Thank god she didn't answer, otherwise...well fuck.

Sent my ex's mother a facebook message - Again we were together, but I said we should throw her a party or something. I need to be removed from all forms of communication while drinking.

Told various women I had feelings for them - I think a lot of it is to see their reactions. Still, it's not a nice thing to do. Good thing I haven't done that to spoon otherwise she might read this and leave the site and I'd be all alone posting again.

Tried to pick a fight with some guy - I was drunk and being a dick to everyone, and while walking down the street I leaned into some guy and totally shouldered him, followed by turning around, throwing my arms out and going "WHAT?! WHAT?!" It is not a wonder that I did not sleep in bed with my then girlfriend that night.

Drove to Del Taco while on a cell phone with expired temporary plates and a worn down spare tire - This one is actually impressive. I mean come on...all those issues and I didn't get caught? I rule.

Called my ex in the middle of the night - She actually believed "I rolled over on the phone and hit redial." Dumbass.

Had phone sex while blacked out - I literally woke up the next day wondering if I had made it through. Apparently I did.

Recorded an awesome song called "Murda Fo Ya Ho" - White suburban kids doing satirical rap. Did this with a friend when I was 17. Amazing song.

Caused a toilet to overflow without anything in it - I don't know how I did this but it was amazing. My poor ex had to clean it up. I feel bad for that part.

There are of course many things I am not proud of that I did while drinking. I think I've wronged a few people and was mean a couple times and in general just wasn't great. I do wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes but I think in the end, the point is learning to live with the past, and to not make the same mistakes again. Luckily for me, the one I hurt most while drinking was also a terrible person to me, so I don't really think she deserves any apologies.

C'est la vie.

So earlier today I was all I'M GONNA DRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKK so I did. I am on my 348th beer. It's pretty tiring.

I am in love with so many actresses, but above all else, Zooey Deschanel. I want to marry her, even though she is almost 7 years older than me. So what? Like I care, fuck you. I've like, actually started referring to her as my girlfriend. You can ask my friend Rachel, I've done it so much that even she refers to her as my girlfriend. That's what's up.

So earlier I went to buy beer, and then I got some Wendy's for when I was lit up as fuck. I am lit up as fuck but I have not eaten Wendy's yet. Why? Because I am not a communist, fucker.

My friend just told me she didn't know who Fuel was. I'm like, you know Shimmer. We all do. Cuz it's like that. Fuck Fuel, seriously.

Kim knows all my favorite lines. Thank her for that.

Girl you know i like when you climb on top, love muscle feel tigheter than a headlock, and you know i love the way you make the bed rock, take me to ecstacy without takin ecstasy.

Woo!

As you can see by spoon's recent post, she does not know what to say to me. That is because spoons lack intellect, and I rule.

Please congratulate me by mailing me cakes.

The position known as cuissade, from the French cuisse, meaning thigh, is the eighth and that's all you need to know. How do you perform this you may ask? Well, I suppose I can let you in on that secret. The woman lies on her back with the man next to her. She raises the leg nearest to him and...Oh, whoops.

I can neither agree nor disagree about whether Fork's post contains truth.
That is all.

This is another one of my famous stories.


"Wow!" said little Billy on Christmas morning. "Look at all the drugs!"

"Yessir," said Tony, Billy's father. "Daddy killed lots of junkies to get you all these drugs."

There was something really fucked up about the Williams family. That was, as you have already seen, that fish hung in the wall unit. I mean really, what the shit is that fuck.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Lucy Liu came in and had sex with everyone.

So, as Billy continued to open his presents, he thought of that time where he had to battle the parentheses on Magic Mountain Mudpie Super Ride at Six Flags. Yes, those truly were the days.

Quick story break; a few hours ago, I was drinking heavily. Please excuse the fact that this story makes no fucking sense.

Bill and Tony, after several hours of raping Mad cows and swimming in the SARS pool, went out to Christmas dinner at the finest of restaurants. This restaurant had it all; meat, vegetables, and every other contortion of the food variety that you could think of. They rounded that off with the most practical and wild of drinks, all while providing a safe atmosphere. Yes, they went to Denny's.

"Can I have an egg nog?" Billy asked the waitress.

"I'm sorry Billy, but we don't have any left! How about a random murder?" The waitress then shot Tony in the face.

"Oh boy!" said Billy. "This is so exciting!"

Jim Carrey had to agree. But Billy Zane didn't, which pissed me off, so I threw him out on his ass.

So, as Billy, not Billy Zane, as I so casually used a name twice, went home, he though about Tony, and how that punkass had died. Billy decided that he should stop into the local strip club and check how much money he had made.

But oh no! It was closed by the Wichita police, which was strange, because Billy lived in Chernobyl. Then, while walking, some nuclear rods that were left from the 80's exploded, and everyone died.

So, now that I killed all my characters, as I so frequently do, I'll introduce a new character; Leaf Star Moon Sunshine.

Leaf Star Moon Sunshine was the child of vegans, so I shot her in the face.

Then, Billy and Leaf Star Moon Sunshine were both in hell, and they had to battle to the death. But, luckily, they were both dead, so they had to battle to the life.

Billy started with a roundhouse kick, but I decided the scene was boring and fell asleep. Then I woke up, and it was the playboy channel. And surprise! Lucy Liu was back!

So, after some more time, I found out that Billy had won the fight and had come back to life. But now he lived in Mongolia, in a large sewage pipe. Which was constantly flowing. He wanted to move, but wasn't sure if he could live a lifestyle above his current one, which really had so much glamour.

Then Bob from my other stories, a character I actually like, came in and killed Billy by nuking the world. He then took over my story by giving a speech.

"I'd like everyone to remember that Italic food is wonderful." Bob couldn't say Italian. "Please don't-hey, pop tarts!" Then Bob ran out of my story, and I didn't have shit to talk about.

Then an evil warlord came about. "Vengeance will be mine!" But Billy Zane came and whipped his ass, thus earning my respect.

But then I threw has ass back in the fucking street. Can't touch me.