This is another one of my famous stories.


"Wow!" said little Billy on Christmas morning. "Look at all the drugs!"

"Yessir," said Tony, Billy's father. "Daddy killed lots of junkies to get you all these drugs."

There was something really fucked up about the Williams family. That was, as you have already seen, that fish hung in the wall unit. I mean really, what the shit is that fuck.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Lucy Liu came in and had sex with everyone.

So, as Billy continued to open his presents, he thought of that time where he had to battle the parentheses on Magic Mountain Mudpie Super Ride at Six Flags. Yes, those truly were the days.

Quick story break; a few hours ago, I was drinking heavily. Please excuse the fact that this story makes no fucking sense.

Bill and Tony, after several hours of raping Mad cows and swimming in the SARS pool, went out to Christmas dinner at the finest of restaurants. This restaurant had it all; meat, vegetables, and every other contortion of the food variety that you could think of. They rounded that off with the most practical and wild of drinks, all while providing a safe atmosphere. Yes, they went to Denny's.

"Can I have an egg nog?" Billy asked the waitress.

"I'm sorry Billy, but we don't have any left! How about a random murder?" The waitress then shot Tony in the face.

"Oh boy!" said Billy. "This is so exciting!"

Jim Carrey had to agree. But Billy Zane didn't, which pissed me off, so I threw him out on his ass.

So, as Billy, not Billy Zane, as I so casually used a name twice, went home, he though about Tony, and how that punkass had died. Billy decided that he should stop into the local strip club and check how much money he had made.

But oh no! It was closed by the Wichita police, which was strange, because Billy lived in Chernobyl. Then, while walking, some nuclear rods that were left from the 80's exploded, and everyone died.

So, now that I killed all my characters, as I so frequently do, I'll introduce a new character; Leaf Star Moon Sunshine.

Leaf Star Moon Sunshine was the child of vegans, so I shot her in the face.

Then, Billy and Leaf Star Moon Sunshine were both in hell, and they had to battle to the death. But, luckily, they were both dead, so they had to battle to the life.

Billy started with a roundhouse kick, but I decided the scene was boring and fell asleep. Then I woke up, and it was the playboy channel. And surprise! Lucy Liu was back!

So, after some more time, I found out that Billy had won the fight and had come back to life. But now he lived in Mongolia, in a large sewage pipe. Which was constantly flowing. He wanted to move, but wasn't sure if he could live a lifestyle above his current one, which really had so much glamour.

Then Bob from my other stories, a character I actually like, came in and killed Billy by nuking the world. He then took over my story by giving a speech.

"I'd like everyone to remember that Italic food is wonderful." Bob couldn't say Italian. "Please don't-hey, pop tarts!" Then Bob ran out of my story, and I didn't have shit to talk about.

Then an evil warlord came about. "Vengeance will be mine!" But Billy Zane came and whipped his ass, thus earning my respect.

But then I threw has ass back in the fucking street. Can't touch me.

Another story from when I was 16:

"Whoa whoa whoa kimosabe!" The Cash Money Records music blasted out of Antwain's stereo. "Big big big ballin' is mah hobby!"

Antwain's friend Joe was annoyed. "Man, turn that shit off. Play some punk!"

Antwain didn't like this statement, so he stopped the car, and threw Joe out. Normally, this wouldn't have been that bad, except that they were driving over an active volcano using a flying car. So Joe died. Then, Antwain landed outside the volcano, and got another friend out of the trunk of his car, one who liked rap. This guy's name was Bruce.

Antwain and Bruce flew along over the Pacific Ocean, minding their own business, eating sandwiches from some gas station back in Wyoming. Suddenly, Bruce had a good idea.

"Hey! Let's put the top down!"

"Fantastic idea!" Antwain put the top down, and Bruce's hat flew off.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming!" Then Amelia Earhart's plane came out of nowhere and cut his head off. Antwain pushed the rest of his body out of the car.

"Bet you didn't see that coming either!" And indeed, Bruce hadn't seen it coming.

Antwain pulled another friend out of the glove compartment. This friend was a good one because he was always drunk. Why this is good I don't know, but it's far better than the former twist in the story.

"I love you man." The drunken fool always expressed his love. "I love this car. I love this air. I love this seat. I love everything!" Antwain got tired of that and put him back in the glove box.

Then, suddenly, flying ninjas came out of nowhere and started throwing Chinese throwing stars at the car. Antwain folded the car up and put it in his wallet, then started throwing toothpicks at the ninjas.

"Hah! Hiya! Ho! Hi! Hehah! Hiyaho!" Antwain was fluent in random fighting sounds.
Then, the ninjas all changed into Jiggalypuff Pokemon and ate cotton candy, as opposed to throwing Chinese stars. So Antwain sat down on a lawnchair that happened to be there, and decided to drink the lemonade that some girl in a bikini handed him.

As he drank, and watched the Pokemon eat cotton candy, he thought back to the time when he and Pikachu went barhopping, and picked up that stripper from Cancun. Those were good times.

"I know what you're thinking," said Bruce Willis. "You're thinking, 'What the hell is Bruce Willis doing here?' Well, I must say, I agree. What am I doing here?" Bruce Willis disappeared.

Antwain then picked up a sword and stabbed all the Pokemon. He then reached for the car in his wallet, but accidentally grabbed a condom, but decided it was ok and flew around in that.

He flew around New York City going "Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" But in New York they were having the Thanksgiving Day parade, and no one noticed, until the giant flying condom flew into the big Vagisil cream float. This had interesting implications that I don't want to go into, so Antwain flew off before anyone could catch him.

As he flew over the world, Antwain decided that he didn't really like Arkansas, so he decided to crash the condom into it and see what happened.

What sucked about it is that people thought it was a comet that plunged into a hole in the earth and caused a huge fucking explosion and not a condom. So people didn't really see the hilarity. Get it? A giant condom came down and plunged into a hole in the earth and exploded. HAHAHAH.

I once ran for student counsel. I did not win, because I did not secure the core 5th grade vote: those in favor of expulsion of those without pokemon cards.

Distressed with my loss of political office to a purely media based caused, I enlisted a female friend of mine to be my new campiagn manager for the new political party I was forming, the Rule Really Hard and You Suck party. We ran on one platform, with one plank: I'm really cool, and you suck.

My female friend did a very good job of winning over the children (she got some creepy guy to give them candy from a van) and it seemed that my 11 year old friend had in fact gained enough crayon signatures for a referendum.

When we found out there would be a new election, we went out and celebrated with several juice boxes. Then, suddenly I was 25 and I couldn't remember what had happened but I was sitting there drinking juice boxes with my female friend.

I was all, hey, nice rack, and she said thanks and put down her spice rack so that we could put some pepper on our sandwiches. Then it was new orleans and I saw like 9 breasts because this woman who had breast cancer in one boob had it removed. It was cool.

So my female friend and I decided to get married. So we worked on wedding plans, but didnt agree on anything. She wanted a 7 piece orchestral band, and I wanted to hang myself instead of getting married. She wanted grilled chicken in a lemon glaze and I wanted Del Taco cheeseburgers. So nothing really was working.

So we decided to elope instead, but the problem was that neither of us knew what eloping met. We compromised and ate some cantalope instead, while riding a jackalope.

then we were living together for 7 years so we were common law married, and she moved out and took half my stuff. but all of my stuff was on fire so that sucks for her because then she was on fire.

so, as you could guess, we live together now, happy ever after. we are worried about the student counsel election coming up though because that fucking mormon kid made rice krispy squares.

FOUR SCORE AND 7 YEARS AGO I SERIOUSLY FUCKED A PORN STAR

HEATHER OWNS THREE BOTTLES OF SPRITE

I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS

ONE TIME I RODE A SPOON TO THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE AND IT TOLD ME THAT IF I KEPT RIDING IT THAT IT WOULD KILL ME SO I GOT OFF AND LANDED IN NEW YORK CITY AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

then i went to a broadway play and it sucked ass because it was about some fags who did some gay shit and it was stupid, what kind of fags do gay shit, i mean seriously what the hell fuck that

then i purchased 9 forks. i used these forks to run through every restaurant in the city and start eating their food. i gained 900 lbs. so then i used the forks to cut my stomach out and then i was really skinny, but also my intestines were showing

SO I RAN THROUGH THE STREETS AND PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A MONSTER AND THEY RAN AWAY FROM ME AND I WAS ALL WAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND THEY WERE LIKE OH NO GOD PLEASE DONT KILL ME AND I WAS LIKE HAHAHAA IM GONNA KILL YOU BUT I DIDNT KILL ANYONE BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE THAT

do you know what i like? nothing at all. i dont like a god damn thing. i hate everything. why do i hate everything? because everything hates me. i am constantly under attack by people, violent cars, and lids from pickle jars. they just wont leave me the hell alone god damnit.

do you wanna know whats awesome? one time, by one time i mean like 4 times, i got high in the shower. im all smoking while taking a shower. its all whoaaaa man the water is like wet omg man what the helllll and i was like lol i actually said lol out loud. why would i do that? so i hit myself over the head with a stick.

then one time i got robbed and i thought they all came back cuz i was high and in the shower so i grabbed the shower rod ready to BEAT SOME ASS. so then i jumped out of the bathroom and they were there to rob me again and i was like YEAH RIGHT and they took out their guns but i was high so it was like bullet time so i was all bam bam bam knocking the bullets out of the air with the shower curtain rod. then they were out of bullets in all 19 of their guns and i was like ITS GO TIME and i ran after them and they took out ninja swords.

so im fuckin sitting there in attack mode swinging at them while they defend themselves with ninja swords and im all woochaaaa and hiyaaa and they're all wutapaaaaahhhh and im like fuck i gotta end this so i jumped in the air and flipped over them and broke the shower rod in mid air and stabbed them both in the back and i was all YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

so then i decided to run around naked but it was -40 degrees outside so im all running around and my dick shrunk into the size of an ant and it fucking curled up in my body and i was like WHO WANTS TO FUCK

holy fuck i cant wait for the dark knight to come out. the first time i saw it i was in a bad mood but the second time i saw it i loved it even more. that was pretty sweet.

This is the first essay I wrote for my english class this year. The assignment was to write about what we loved more than anything in the world.

Crack: My Invaluable Asset

Every person in this world has that one thing they cannot live without; be it their favorite sports team, some sort of food that soothes them when they are upset, or, in my case, the chemical addiction that only a hardcore drug can provide. I love smoking crack; I am in fact addicted, which furthers my love, but I also enjoy crack for a few key reasons. First and foremost of course, is the high provided with each deep inhalation, which I find cannot be matched no matter what you try or where you look. Furthermore, the economic stimulus that crack provides to my community is unmatched by any other product or service I can find. Finally, I have always been the type of person to struggle with social interaction, be it some sort of educational seminar or even a gathering at the mall, however, with my wonderful, wonderful crack, this is no longer a problem. I am a new man today, world, for with a pipe and a rock, I can conquer anything (within 5-10 minutes of having smoked that rock).

I am somewhat of a thrill seeker. I have, in my life, done many different things, attempting to live by the doctrine pushed on me by many a youth counselor, "The best high is life itself!" Sorry, American Youth Counselors, but I have to disagree. While some may enjoy the thrill that comes from jumping off rocks into water (which often features other rocks), scaling a mountain, or maybe even throwing caution to the wind and driving their car into a pole, I find that none of these things open my mind and stimulate the physical senses quite like a rock of crack. I'm no chemist, I can't exactly tell you what happens, but I'm guessing dopamine has to do with it, which provides and interesting side note to those who may say, "Hey Peter, you know that crack is unhealthy, right?" Nay, friend. When I smoke crack I may eat 4 pizzas in 12 seconds, but I then immediately run it off! So if I get all that exercise when I'm smoking a bowl, where is the downside? Game, set, match on the health issue.

I live in a small apartment building, and to the outward eye, it is not much, but peek inside and you will see a different story. Inside this small complex is a bustling economy, fantastic proof of supply schedule and demand schedule; I passed macroeconomics merely by speaking to my dealer! Every person who gains his way into the building through use of the secret pass phrase ("No, I'm not a cop, why?") is instantly treated to the best crack cocaine our building dealer has to offer. How does this have to do with economics you ask? Simple! When 20 crackheads are outside, and there is only enough of the sweet sweet white god for 10 of them, suddenly the price goes up! When 10 crackheads are outside, and there is enough for 20, prices drop to keep the crackheads coming to our building. That money does plenty good for the building, such as tipping the pizza delivery boy, and ensuring that the crack dealer can buy more crack. After all…we would never want to come down, would we?

I am currently going through a very rough breakup, and this only further hinders my already minimal social skills. At first, this seemed to be a hindrance that would be impossible to bypass, but thanks to crack, this is not so! I have met plenty of new people, men, women, menwomen, people who share plenty of my same goals, ideals, and hobbies (talking really fast, running really fast, smoking crack). This bond is one that cannot be broken (as long as we continue to purchase crack), and my new friends and I spend nearly everyday of the week together, speaking on all sorts of world issues; topics range from the legalization of drugs to when that damn pizza boy is going to be here. It is truly a diverse group of people, of all races and genders, who come together merely to socialize in a way that most of society fears. That's right: we're pioneers.

I could lie. I could say that the most important thing in my world is something others may find important like school or always knowing where to find my right arm (crack can sometimes be laced with amphetimines), but I am not that kind of man. No, I am a man of morals. A man who knows what he loves more than anything. I love crack!

I came over to my parents' house to enjoy a delicious thanksgiving meal. Upon walking in, I noticed that my mother had not cooked the traditional turkey meal, but instead had cooked a republican person and covered him in what she called hypocrite sauce. It was delicious!

I don't know the republican's name, but I bet it was dick, because that's what they all are. It didn't taste like dick though, at least i think. I have never eaten a dick, despite all of my attempts to do so in life. No one is willing to cut it off so that i may fry it in some sort of apple glaze...maybe it is a dessert type treat.

The best part of the meal, as usual, was the stuffing. It was made of bread crumbs, some other stuff, human liver, and then some kind of vegetable. Put that with potatoes and the rolls and it was mmm mmm good.

So after the day was over, and we had enjoyed watching the Lions get beaten so badly that I had an orgasm (think about it for a second and you'll get it, i hope, otherwise you are too stupid to read this site), we settled in to watch the cardinals - eagles game. I predicted that the cardinals win, but despite them getting back into the game in the second half, they blew it. Then i pissed all over the couch because that really made me angry.

Anyway 4 am rolled around, and I decided it was time to go out drinking. All of the bars and liquor stores here are closed at that time to i clicked my heels three times while saying "i want to fuck a hooker" and suddenly i was in las vegas. i was joined by two people who i didnt know, but we became fast friends. we went to a bar, and i promptly odered three hundred beers. i drank them all in 42 seconds, and then it was time to go gamble.

i went to a blackjack table and promptly bet 42 million dollars on one hand. the dealer insisted that it was a $5 minimum, and that just because I had written "42 million" on a $1 bill, it didn't count. i then scrambled around in my socks and found $4 in pennies, and threw that all on the table. i then hit 300 blackjacks in a row and made some amount of money, i dont remember.

then i went to find hookers. my favorite kind of girl is one with a snaggletooth and 3 or four legs, and there are like 9 of those in every hotel in vegas, so i got three of them and took them to my room. i had them all get naked and pretend to blow me while i stood up and reciting shakespearean sonnets in a 1940s french accent. i pretended to had an orgasm, then "went to the bathroom" and slipped out the window without paying the hookers.

the problem was i was on the 92nd floor, so i fell pretty far. i hit the ground, but luckily i was outside a hospital, and since all hospitals are surrounded by the padding slaughtered infidels, i was fine. i then proceeded to rent a car to drive to hawaii.

it was a long drive to hawaii because they were doing construction on the bridge that im making up. but i finally got there and i promptly adopted 59 17 year old boys that i turned into a football team. we won the nfl championship in 35 seconds (i stole a trophy) and then i bought a plane and flew it to las vegas again.

the hookers were waiting for me at the airport, because i had stiffed them on paying them before, but i distracted them with the shiny metal trophy and got away. i went to the greyhound station because i decided i wanted to ride in some real luxury, and i came back to denver.

when i got here, i came back over to my parents house and had some thanksgiving leftovers. it was pretty good except the dead republican was dry. i think my mom said she will marinate it in the blood of evangelicals next year in order to get that good flavor locked in. i think that is a good idea.

also can anyone change a 5

This is a story I wrote years ago, entitled: "I Smoked Lots of Drugs." Before moving on, please remember that I am in therapy and on medication now...but I still think this is absolutely hilarious.

"When most people talk about substance abuse, they will say that maybe once or twice they tried Marijuana (they always call it marijuana because they think it sounds better), but they didn't like it and never did that or anything again. They lie. Everyone does drugs, or has done drugs. Or will. The people who say they've never done anything are all 35 and they are dating someone in elementary school. I did a study.

Most people lie, but not me. No siree, I smoked a lot of drugs. And I ate and snorted some too. Not some, a lot. While other people were studying to become doctors and policemen and pencil engineers, I was smoking lots of drugs.

Not only did I smoke smokable drugs, but I also smoked non-smokable drugs. I once dropped a pill of acid in my crack pipe and smoked it. And it worked pretty well, because it was just like acid.

One time I had been smoking crack all day, and I was so high that I tried to smoke a lounge chair. My other friends tried to stop me but they were on heroin and were just sitting on the couch staring forward. Then some of them took speed and they stopped me from smoking the lunge chair and they also ran to the store and back twenty-seven times and then they were tired and they smoked some weed to relax.

For my third grade show and tell project, I tried to make a chart of all the drugs I had done. But I had done so many drugs that it wouldn't fit. So I just made a small chart of some of the drugs I had done. And then they kicked me out of school and I had to go to detox and reform school.

Reform school was hard because I could only smoke crack four times a day, instead of 8. By the way, you may be asking where I got the money for all of this, being however old I was, and it was easy: I robbed banks.

Yep I was the only third grader ever to rob a bank. But I took speed in case that I had to kill someone right before I did it so I was able to show I meant business by beating a large patron into a coma with merely a magic marker. After that I would rob banks and then do drugs until I needed money to rob another bank, and I would.

And I got away with it because I was a little third grader. No one believed I could be robbing banks but I was. So I kept all my money in a hole I dug in the ground and lined with a soundproof liner. I put my drugs in there too.

As my life progressed, people tried to send me to programs that would fix me so I wouldn't do all the drugs anymore. But I would just do the drugs while I was at the clinics and no one could stop me and it was pretty funny.

And then finally I turned 30 and I had done so many drugs that I couldn't say any sentences other than "The rooftop is burned while the chicken hatch ate my only strawberry scalding lunch noodle!" Doctors tried to save me but couldn't. Then some people tried to kill me but they couldn't do that either.

So then someone decided that if they cut my brain out that maybe I'd stop working and I'd just fall over and die. So they did that but I lived and I could still say the sentence. It was weird. So they decided to put a new brain in me so that maybe I would be able to think.

They put this one dudes brain in me and my body was excited and now, as you can see, I can speak perfectly. My body was so energized that I now use 38% of my brainpower instead of the regular 10% humans use. I'm the smartest person there ever was.

So you see 2004 Class of Harvard, drugs are fantastic. Everyone should do as many drugs as they can (without ODing) until their brain can only say one sentence. Then we can switch out the brain and you'll be really fucking smart. We'll have a race of super humans, all thanks to crack and coke and heroin and every other possible drug that you can think of. Congratulations class of 2004, keep smokin' till you can't think no more!"