Friends, hours ago I told you I would bring someone on board, and I have fulfilled that promise. Introducing The Great Spoon! In addition to writing ridiculous posts like myself, Spoon will be illustrating our upcoming web comic. In order to give you a glimpse of who Spoon is, I have interviewed her. Following is the transcript:


Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
so, why did you join rumfork.com

Kellizaber says:
I was forced by a group of native americans

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
did they make you their tribal princess

Kellizaber says:
No, they tried to make me get their firewood

Kellizaber says:
I'll tell you exactly what I told them

Kellizaber says:
Squaw no gettum firewood! Squaw go home!

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
that is wonderful racism that all rumfork readers will enjoy

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what do you think you will bring to our fabulous rumfork.com?

Kellizaber says:
lol

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
or do you not intend to answer that

Kellizaber says:
I'm thinking

Kellizaber says:
Hold your horses

Kellizaber says:
I'd like to give them some insight on what retail is like today while also bringing them some humor and possibly some extra cheese knowledge that they wouldn't be able to get elsewhere

Kellizaber says:
Some drawings perhaps

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what do you think about horse sex

Kellizaber says:
Hot damn, get me some of that

Kellizaber says:
Although I find elephants make better partners

Kellizaber says:
It's like a fifth leg

Kellizaber says:
Or maybe that was a fifth leg; that would explain the strange shape

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
slutty thong, or long underwear covered by wet suit covered by dollar general smock?

Kellizaber says:
Slutty thong covered by smock actually

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
do you hate the movie twilight as much as i do

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
to clarify i have not seen it

Kellizaber says:
I do, mostly for the acting but also for the bloopers and terrible music

Kellizaber says:
And partially for the terrible portrayal of vampires

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
but you'd nail that kristin stewart girl right

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
because i would

Kellizaber says:
If she could possible make a different facial expression I might

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
who are you more attracted to: kim kardashian, or chris farley

Kellizaber says:
One minute while I google the faces of these unknown

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
GOOGLE IS A TRADEMARK OF GOOGLE INC THANK YOU INTERNET

Kellizaber says:
Oh right, just one unknown

Kellizaber says:
lol

Kellizaber says:
My mistake

Kellizaber says:
I used Kellizaber.com instead

Kellizaber says:
Better anyway

Kellizaber says:
Hmm...This is a tough one

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
RUMFORK.COM DOES NOT NECESSARILY SUPPORT THE VIEWS OF SPOON OR HER AFFILIATES

Kellizaber says:
I'm going to go with Chris Farley

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
do you prefer to masturbate with your right hand, or the cast off candlesticks of 1970s suburban america

Kellizaber says:
Anything is better than using my right hand, so the latter

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what is your greatest attribute?

Kellizaber says:
My knack for being prepared

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what are you currently prepared for

Kellizaber says:
Scarcity of aluminum, plastic bags, spoons, and four month long movie marathons

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
thank you for your time, Spoon, one last question

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what are you wearing

Kellizaber says:
Nothing, as usual



So there it is! As you can see, Spoon is quite ready to be a part of this website. You can expect a lot more fantastic features such as this one. Be sure to tell everyone you know that there are now TWO insane people who masturbate while they post writing for this website!

I really can't continue to just post random shit if I want this site to go anywhere, and unique visitors whore that I am, I'll be editing the site and coming up with a set of streamlined features that will be readily available on this site.

As far as layout goes, I'm not entirely sure. I may be changing it, I may not. However, I intend to streamline the content here down to three basic categories:

- My rants/thoughts on all things you don't care about
- Insane stories I have written/will write
- A yet to be introduced webcomic

This means the discontinuation of NFL picks and whatnot as they are largely unrelated. In the future I may add some sort of reviews for music or something...I'm not sure. But for the moment, these are the features that this site will be focused on.

As I am retarded in the ways of drawing, I'll be bringing a friend onboard to do so. She will also probably be posting things on the site, so not everything from here on out will be from me. In addition to all of this, I'm still hoping Rum will return to the fold eventually.

So...that's all for now. If you come here again and everything is different, that's me trying to make a decent website. I'll probably fail.

When I used to google rumfork, we were first on the list. Now it asks you if you meant "rumford" again (took a couple months to get past that originally) and then after you skip down to Rumfork we're like fourth on the list.

UNACCEPTABLE. I hereby declare WTFery and intend to go to google headquarters, sit outside, and throw water balloons at them. They'll get it then the bastards.

Seriously I need some features. Fork@rumfork.com is you have any ideas.

In addition to my Craigslist whoring and constant telling people to come to this site and tell everyone they know, I made a Facebook group for this...website. Because I have enjoyed making lists that start with bold lettering lately, I have decided to make another. About what you might say? About the ways I am going to continue to promote this website like the shameless prick that I am:

Something to do with Myspace - I don't know if you can have like...Myspace groups or something, but I should head over there and spam people's inboxes. Just kidding, I hate Myspace and I'd rather have no readers than advertise on that cunttastic website. That's right, cunttastic. With two t's.

Hand out the web address at school - When people go to school, what do they want? They want to be spammed! So I am going to harass people constantly. In the student union? You bet. In class? Damn straight. In the women's bathroom? You know I'll be there, shouting, yelling, and begging women to visit my site.

Tell people in jail - I just said I was going to be in the women's bathroom, where the hell did you think I would go next?

At Phoenix Suns games I'll go see my favorite team and get my ad up on the jumbotr- HOLY GOD WE TRADED BELL AND DIAW AND SINGLETARY FOR JASON RICHARDSON AND JARED DUDLEY AND A 2010 PICK WHAT THE HELL

At New England Patriots games - Tom Brady may be out, but Rumfork.com is still up! Patriots fans will know this when I am somehow still the most obnoxious fan in the stadium. Believe me, in New England, that is not easy.

Light myself on fire like a religious zealot - I will sit down, pour gas on myself, and light myself the fuck on fire while a band around me plays the Rumfork.com theme song.

Write a Rumfork.com themesong - I'll need to do this one before the last one.

Have sex with a celebrity and then talk about Rumfork in my ensuing media interview - Step one: get rich so I can sleep with a celebrity. Technically, it doesn't have to be a hot celebrity. Britney Spears? Big shock. Amy Winehouse? INTERVIEWS.

Finally finish my hip-hop CD - As a white rappers, I have a duty to finish this thing. But I still haven't. When it comes out I should sell it on Rumfork and advertise it in the CD cover. That'd be sweet. Then Rumfork would have two purposes: retarded posts, and CD sales.

Start selling merchandise - This is a good idea if we had more people than we currently do. Although the Craigslist post worked surprisingly well, that doesnt necessarily translate to repeat readers, and until we've got that, merchandise only costs me money. You don't want to cost me money, do you? Fuck you then.

I hate Sasha Vujacic - That doesn't really count as something I'm going to do to help the website, but he hit a 3 at the buzzer last year when his team had comfortably won to cost me money because I had bet the spread on a Spurs game. I hope he dies.

So over all, I think these are all very good plans. Failing that, you can still tell all your friends. And come everyday. And tell your friends to come everyday.

On a side note, my condolences to Matt Cassel. His father Greg died earlier this week. Hopefully he is able to deal with this, and it's really too bad that his father wasn't able to see him continue on to the obviously great career he is building, in New England and wherever else he may play in the future.

It's not known if Cassel will start this week; if not, Kevin O'Connell will step in. Matt Gutierrez is the last QB on the roster, and likely would only play if O'Connell struggled to an incredible level.

Tell your friends about Rumfork!

What with the major success this website is having (9 unique visitors per day on average, that is slightly less popular than the least popular site on the internet), all I can say is that you should tell your friends about this site. Why, you might ask. As you may have guessed, I have a list of reasons:

I know where you live - Think about that for a few minutes. Do you want to wake in bed with the screen of your laptop cut off, covered in cables? No, you don't.

NFL Picks were 12-3 this week - Seriously, if I had got the post up in time, 13-3. Do you know who else picks NFL games with that kind of accuracy? The best ESPN analysts. The difference? I'm not a douchebag.

I am insane - I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS. Need I say more?

I find you very attractive - And since you were dumped recently, isn't this important? I like your body, and honestly, I don't think you need to lose weight. You're beautiful as you are. I think you and I should grab dinner and a movie sometime.

I once had sex with a camel - How many bloggers can boast that?

I have masturbated to the Paris Hilton sextape several times - That kind of experience is not common on your average blog. I have a documented history of doing important things and telling you about them, like when I was the first to report that Heather owns three bottles of Sprite.

It snowed yesterday - History tells us that when it snows, you should read rumfork.com.

All the cool people are doing it - Typically, Cool People are a very small group. That's why so few people have read this site. If you read it continually, and get others to read it, you will be cool too.

I have 19 spoons - I think that speaks for itself.

I will never make you cry - Whoops, this was supposed to go in my dating ad on pleaselovemeeventhoughimfat.com

There you have it. Proof that this is the most important site on the internet. Tell your friends, or I will cry in my sleep and then come to your house and eat your chicken.

So. Essentially what happened is my good friend Rum and I fell off the map. He works for a living and actually does stuff, and I...don't. But in the interest of how sweet we are, he renewed the membership (the site had been stolen by domain squattors) and we are yet again, Rumfork! The best site on the internet that probably no one reads.

This may appear to be the same blog as before but it's actually different. Genius that I am, I lost my login and password to the other blog and so rather than waiting to have Rum reset it, I just installed a new blog engine. The info will probably be consolidated and even though people who read the old info will not be reading this...it doesn't matter, I'm probably just talking to myself anyway.

Which raises an interesting point. I want to consolidate Rum's info onto this page because what he wrote was funny and interesting, but I want to delete everything I ever wrote before. Do you ever look back on your life and see what you did and realize that...you were a dumbass? I do. I do that all the time, and in the spirit of that, everything I ever wrote on this page in the past will never be here again and it will be an all new Fork posting the same ridiculous information that you have not come to know and love since no one is reading this page.

But that's all for now. What will happen here? I think Rum and I will come up with some interesting (albeit crazy) shit for you to read and whatnot, and maybe this site will circulate a bit. I also know that I personally have things to say and this will be an outlet for me, whether or not anyone reads it. I suppose...check back. Stuff will come.