Well, it's about that time of the year again for us college students: the time when we finish finals and wait around, sometimes nervously, for our final grades to be posted. Some of us know we did everything as well as possible and that there is nothing to be concerned about. Some of us are very worried, needing a particular grade to keep the 'ol GPA up and not get kicked out. Me? I'm kind of different.

I put in about 6 minutes of work outside of class this semester. I didn't really take notes, I didn't really read the books, I didn't really do all the homework...and yet I am going to have a 4.0. Now, I know I am not the only person to do something like this (and believe me, helping me obtain this 4.0 is the fact that my math-for-morons class does not count towards my GPA), but I do wonder if it bothers other people when people like me so obviously coast by, while they have to work.

I suppose they could view the potential poetic justice. I may coast by and get my grades, and then fail in the workforce, while Johnny Doeshismath will prove himself worth to his employer and become a cruicial cog of the American Industries. I've always wondered about the relative use of someone who is incredibly intelligent but lazy, vs. someone who is not that intelligent but works incredibly hard.

Take this semester. By nature of me not being in school for years, I got placed in the aforementioned Dumbass Math class and as an additive to this was forced to attend a so-called "math lab" for 25 hours over the semester in order to gain tutoring and whatnot. There was also an optional software that came with our books that allowed us to do the math lab work online.

I spent a grand total of 3 hours in the actual math lab all semester and then came down to the final night with 22 hours to get done. I certainly could not go for 22 hours as it was due the next day. So, I downloaded two extra web browsers, opened up the online math lab in each one at the same time, did the homework very poorly (like 50% poorly), and let them sit for hours. Thus every hour I earned doing this was worth 3. I did this enough to get just over 22 hours and then I turned it in. Yesterday I learned I had in fact passed the course.

What's amazing to me is that the hours I turned in were timestamped. As in, they could see I did all this "work" at the same time and that I was triple charging the hours, if you will, and yet they didn't do anything about it. It's genius. I intend to share my method with anyone who would like to hear it so that other people will not be forced through the embarrassment of the mathlab.

Another thing that happened was my history class. I missed about half the classes, barely took notes, didn't read, and yet I got an A. How? Memorizing the quiz questions, and an open book/open note final. Seriously? Open book? That shit is great.

My other grades are yet to come, but I still find this concept interesting. Maybe I'm really good at figuring out ways to avoid following the system, but what does that translate to in reality? I have been in the work force and let me tell you, it ain't pretty when I am. I can't wrap my head around the idea of being just another drone inside a corporate giant. Mind you, I am not against corporate America, or people being drones; I am against being one of them myself.

I suppose in the end, most people would rather have the dilligent, nonstop laborer working for them than someone like me. Sure, in crunch time, I may be able to produce a great report in mere hours, but can you always count on someone like that?

I mean...you can't count on me. Shit man, I've got things to do. Like hunt me some womenz!

I used to have these crazy women, three of them with children, who would constantly talk to me and try to get me to enter a relationship with them. No matter how much I told them that I was not interested in a relationship, they repeatedly attacked me, seeming to think that just by being a bitch I would suddenly come around and love them. You can tell by the title of this post that it did not work.

But man, ever since I ran them off, I really am bored. It used to be fun to deal with their repeated advances, the constant text messaging, and just the general attention brought on by all those crazy women who seemed to think that I was just the right thing for them. The ones with children especially baffle me...I mean seriously, you want me to play father to your child? They always said that their children had nothing to do with it, but because I'm not an idiot, I knew better. However, they did their best to flip out and try to trap me whenever I did mention that portion. I skillfully avoided their pathetic attempts to rope me in with the following points:

I Drink - And I certainly don't mean the occasional beer. I mean I drink a 12 pack before I drive to the bar to drink 15 more. If you still think I'm someone you want to be around, then you should probably read on (side note: one of the psychos just called me! Yay! Time to fuck with her head!).

I Gamble - This does not mean I play penny slots. This means that I bet thousands of dollars on sports games and spend thousands on hold 'em poker. Do you want to pay rent next month? Date me, and we'll see if you can!

I Smoke Cigars - There is nothing better than a beer, two hole cards, a game I've got money on on TV, and a Cuban cigar. Perhaps if I could be having sex at the same time that would be better, but for the purposes of this article, these three are the best. I love cigars so much. I've never met a woman who did. Despite this, I wouldn't quit smoking them. Cigars are better than arguing over something I don't even understand (SUBTLE HINT).

I Play Video Games - Not WoW or lame shit like that, but those games of the sports variety. If I turn on NBA 2K9, expect me to play for the next 10 hours. You're welcome to join me or talk to me while I do it, but why the hell should I have to stop? I've spent plenty of time doing things for women but reciprocity doesn't seem to exist. Goddamn psychos.

I Make Jokes - This seems to fly with women until you are dating them. Then suddenly it's okay for them to mock you, but not for you to mock them. In order to deal with psychos, I make it clear that I intend to mock them by incessantly mocking them. All the time. At every turn.

I Lie - Not about whether or not I ate meat when you are trying to get me to do some dumbass cleanse. I come up with the most insane lies you could think of all the time, and I will always be trying to convince you of them. Only one person in history has been able to call me on my lies, and that was only after years, and that was only because I didn't try very hard with them because I actually cared about that person. I don't care about you, and I'll lie to you.

I Know That Men And Women Are Different - This could alternately be titled I Am Sexist. Any man you meet thinks you are crazy. Women are crazy, that's just how it is. I hate women who can never accept this. Women have three physiological goals; 1) Get married, 2) Raise family, 3) Destroy a man's life. Here's the thing: as long as you know we are crazy, we are okay with it. It's just nice to know that you accept the fact that we are always going to be confused at just what the hell you are talking about.

No matter how much I mentioned this shit, they never went away. It seems there is no way to make them go away forever. One has started texting me again, another has just called me. I told her I would call her back. Normally I wouldn't, but I have been bored lately without a throng of less than mentally stable females to play with. I'll have to call her back later than I said I would and say rude things and then make her admit she has feelings for me. I guess no matter how hard you push, they never really go away. Guess I'll have to go back to using sex is a weapon. They never learn.

Another Arrested Development reference in the title. Watch the fucking show.

Anyway, we at Rumfork.com now present, "Why You Don't Want To Work at a Dollar General":

Kellizaber says:
Oh I didn't tell you the fun part about today
Kellizaber says:
Some mentally disabled girl broke through the back door of the store and set off the alarm
Kellizaber says:
And when I say broke through, I mean broke through
Kellizaber says:
That thing has a heavy duty lock and she burst through the door
Kellizaber says:
It was hilarious
Kellizaber says:
The girls mom wouldn't let me turn the alarm off
Kellizaber says:
She was all, "Call the police! Call the police! She's not coming back!"
Kellizaber says:
I don't know where the girl took off to
Kellizaber says:
I felt bad
Kellizaber says:
But then the lady just went home without trying to find the girl
Kellizaber says:
I hope the lady gets hit by a car

I don't even have a comment, that's how fucking great that is.