http://jongosselinisgod.com/

OVER 9000

Believe it or not, the following exchanges are gleaned from stenographers' reports of actual court cases.

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: So the date of your baby's conception was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: Did you sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Thanks, Bath & Body Works. I rarely shop at expensive stores like this because there is no way I can afford to really do so. You are correct, that's a lie, but I just can't get myself to buy expensive things like that when there's no one to show off for in the first place. Anyway, I found this absolutely wonderful lip balm that Jessica bought as a Christmas present for me. It is perfect. It smells good and tastes minty. There is no tint. It's very protective. It is just wonderful in every way...except the price of course. So when I saw a sale for buy one get one free I figured it was the best deal I'd see on them anyway so I'd just go for it! I put two in my 'shopping bag' and went to the checkout where it said I had four. So far the math is correct.

When I received the package this morning I was very surprised to see three lip balms. The invoice said three. I went and checked my account online and the recent purchases said three. I checked the confirmation email and it said three. While I know you don't really care, if only you could imagine my anger. Because of the expense of these products, the wonderful sale is the only reason I bought them. I really enjoy money being stooooolen. The second half of the smileys on here are kind of interesting. Not very colorful but they will do.

I wish I had a fun work story to share but since I stand around doing absolutely nothing these days when I'm there it's hard to find anything interesting. Yesterday and the day before the heat was not working so the store was below 55 degrees all day. It was actually nicer outside than in the store at one point. Today I had time to read through a few magazines. Oh, yeah, here are some tips from Self magazine. They had an article on Jenna Fischer and the tips that I guess the magazine people gave her. Oh sure, they're available online. Well, I hid down an aisle and took notes on what they mentioned. It wasn't much, just dressing fresh, jogging, sleeping, doing crunches, and a few other things.

Why am I still going? What a boring post. I will finish up with a few newspaper headlines from 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said.

Police Suspicious After Body Found in Graveyard

Male Infertility Can be Passed on to Children

Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptibly in the Military During Wartime

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

And last but not least...

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

It has already been over a week since the first of this year and I have stuck to zero of my resolutions. Perhaps that's because I didn't make them. I have a problem with not doing things because I didn't write them down. I'd love it if you could explain that to me. I figure since I have absolutely nothing to do right now I could sit down and focus on what I want to change for the year. Maybe if it's here I'll stick to it?

1. Eat Healthy + Lose Weight
All arguments aside, this is something I want to focus on. I have spent the last four or five months stressing out and eating just whatever garbage I can buy cheap because money has been tight and I haven't felt like paying attention. That is over(lies)! I'm going to cut fast food out completely, unless it's Subway or a Wendy's side salad. I can handle those.

2. Water, Milk, and DG Diet Cola
It seems that ever since I started heavily drinking pop I have gained some unwanted weight that, no matter what I do, will not go away. Why? Because I continue to drink whatever I work off like an idiot. Solution! No more of it. I'm reverting back to my seltzer water stage. It's a little costly at first but it pays off in the end. At forty cents a can I'll be paying just about half of what I would pay per ounce normally, and it will be healthier. WOO.

3. Go To School
Haha, yeah right. Sorry, Mom, I know I promised. With the financial troubles that are afoot I don't think I'll have much choice about working full time all year. After all, someone has to feed the youngin'. Thank goodness it only takes $26 to care for a rabbit for three or four months. The other youngin', however, will be off to college in eight months and someone will still have to provide food for her.

4. Get Out Of Bed
In the last two months, after I wake up I have remained in bed until after noon or until about six minutes before I have to leave for work. What's the point? Sleep is so good and my bed is relaxing. However, I have been increasingly tired lately no matter how much sleep I am actually getting. If I could get out of bed and see the pretty sunlight that shines down to earth I might just soak up some energy! My guess is that this whole having no mom thing is finally taking its toll. The good news is...

5. Lo Needo Libido
Something has gone right because my libido is back! I know you were all interested. I have been putting it to good use lately, and it will eventually lead to my having sex with Fork because that was just meant to happen. Plus, orgasm = happy pill, so who needs to see a psychiatrist when all you have to do is focus long enough to orgasm? YOWZA!

6. Have Sex With Fork
Even though it was mentioned, I feel the need to separate it because it is that important. Speaking of which, I recently learned there are over twenty three types of forks. I will do them all!

7. Have Fun
2008 sucked. It began with some forty year old guy telling me he had feelings for me(creepy), the beginning of hundreds of trips to various hospitals, high gas prices that drove me into debt again, and the beginning of heart break. Midyear consisted of things only getting worse, treatment not working, terrible work hours that led to no time for family or friends, the end of what was a great relationship, and the first of five important deaths. The last few months brought the year to an end with a bang. Obviously the loss of Maja Lady, bankruptcy, Pretty Bird being on it's way out, and a three more deaths of close friends and family. I want to have fun this year. I want nothing to hold me back. I am going to have to make that possible.

I am pretty much hoping to start out fresh. The sad thing is, while I want to start out fresh at the beginning of a new year, most of the crap from the previous year is still cycling through so I'm stuck finishing all of the pending events. That's okay. That just means I have to work harder.

LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

There once was a man named King Nod.
He ruled the country of Thailand.
He was born an epileptic.
He often shook without warning.
He had a servant named Patsy.
He beat Patsy regularly for laughing at his shaking.
One day Patsy asked King Nod if he would like a spinal tap.
King Nod went into an epileptic fit.
Patsy took this as a yes.
He then took a hammer and nail to King Nod's lower spine.
King Nod is now dead.

THE END.

Well well, what have we here? An empty post box and apparently nothing interesting to fill it yet. Normally I would sit here and babble until something good actually came of it, but, instead, I will post my testament to spoons. It illustrates both my obsession and undying love for their little round faces and long, variously shaped tails.

Ode To My Spoons

They sit there on the table,
In a cup all together,
Squished by the manifolds
Of others just like them,
Reflecting the sky outside.
Their funny form of a
Blossoming orchid.
My spoons are many.
Some plastic, some metal,
Some half fork on the
Father's side.
The plastic ones white,
Pure as fresh snowfall.
The metal ones shining,
Full of tarnish stains.
The Spork's tortured
By their father's actions.
But they aid me always
Whether I'm digging into sand
Or digging into Jell-O.
They are in numbers,
Not only two or three.
My spoons wait for me.
They know I will come.
One after another I pluck
Them from Death,
From the death of the garbage can.
I take one a day,
Sometimes two or three
If my purse is empty.
And my spoons are happy.
They smile with their
Round edges and
Long noses,
Only one thought in
Their plastic selves.
I'm glad I'm not a fork!

Obviously the best poem ever written, and because of that I won a medal. That's right. Critics Choice Award. I have also been told that both the surface meaning and the deeper meaning are likable...however, I will tell you now that there is no deep meaning to this poem. It is solely about spoons and how wonderful they are.

All of that being said, thank you, oh wise Fork, for granting me the opportunity to infiltrate the minds and dreams of all the little children. With that I say good night!