As you can see by spoon's recent post, she does not know what to say to me. That is because spoons lack intellect, and I rule.

Please congratulate me by mailing me cakes.

The position known as cuissade, from the French cuisse, meaning thigh, is the eighth and that's all you need to know. How do you perform this you may ask? Well, I suppose I can let you in on that secret. The woman lies on her back with the man next to her. She raises the leg nearest to him and...Oh, whoops.

I can neither agree nor disagree about whether Fork's post contains truth.
That is all.

Keep in mind first and foremost, I only capitalized it that time because it was the first word in the title.

I would like to say that in spoon's previous post, she made some very excellent points and disproved a few of my points, meaning that we were equals. I'd like to say that she is a very intelligent person and that she will always have a special place in my heart, because our friendship is unshakeable. I'd like to say that Forks and spoons will from here on out live in harmony, able to recognize each other's weaknesses and strengths, and play to both.

I'd also like a blowjob from Zooey Deschanel while Kim Kardashian shook her ass right in front of me, so I'm pretty sure that all of those ideas can go fuck themselves.

All spoon has done in her post is effectively proven that she will go out of her way to find a new sexual position to suggest to me. Did you read any of the rest of that? I mean, what am I supposed to do, waste all the CPU cycles on my $1200 computer reading some long ass post about how spoons are so nice? COME ON.

Nothing less than pure controversey has engulfed this once great literary site since I made the obvious mistake of bringing spoon up from underneath my desk to the position of writer. Was I the one who wrote the poem that started this whole thing? No, I am not, so while spoon may contend that I and all other Forks are cocky, keep in mind that we are on the defensive here as spoon has decided that she is so good that she doesn't need to be around the likes of the rest of us.

It is a racial issue, plain and simple. Forks have always been racially tolerant of spoons. The spork, after all, was our idea. The spoons shunned us for this plan however, always wanting to be the first and only, never wanting Forks to share the same drawer. This is why in the 1950's all our parents had a spoon drawer and a Fork drawer; we were being discriminated against.

I am one of the first Forks to be able to run his own literary based media sites. I broke the barrier on this, and not only did I do that, but I invited a spoon to come along with me. I invited a member of the very race that would have thought to enslave me to be my partner, to venture into parts unknown; to create the kind of website that makes all utensils say, "Hey, that's the kind of place I'd like to visit." But can I do that? No, because spoon is doing her best to undermine me and take over.

Well sorry spoon, your attempts to be the alpha-utensil on this site are in vain. My dear friend Rum, born of a race not subject to this racial cruelty, will never allow such an awful takeover to occur. Nay, this site will belong to the likes of us, the racially tolerant, intelligent, and generally plain fantastic people that we are for all time. You, spoon, will just have to learn to deal with it.

I would offer you a truce, but like a dead dove in the freezer, I just don't know what to do with you. I suppose that I should realize that as a spoon, you have one natural, undeniable purpose. Target practice.

Why don't you take off the ol' spoon cover and let daddy show you what we use the prongs for?

It's too bad that Fork is not as intelligent as I am. He apparently thinks that I can sit here and stare at the screen while my thoughts appear automatically. Far be it from me that I might disvalue a compliment such as that(it takes quite a bit of talent to just sit there and let technology do all of the work for you), but I do believe that the magic needed for that does not exist. That's right. I am mortal and I typed up my previous three posts. Don't feel too downhearted, Fork. It will be okay.

As you can see by reading Forks few posts that are aimed at me, forks clearly have no class. Spoons, on the other hand, are very courteous, and I will prove that by continuing to capitalize Fork, as I have respect for all fellow utensils.

Moving right along, yes, I am hormonal seeing as I'm five months along in this pregnancy. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. It appears forks have no ears; this does not surprise me, especially if forks are male as Fork claims them to be. Onward! Suddenly Fork has a problem with cradling? Pardon me, but it is only natural to be nurtured by someone. As pleasant as it is to be stabbed in the heart repeatedly by forks, it's nice to be held nicely every once in a while. You have to decide if you want the boyish fork or the manly spoon. I know which one I'd choose.

As much as you have a few good points, you also seem to be misinformed.

- You can stab children with spoons just as easily as you can stab them with forks, you just need to have the right kind. I know this because I have stabbed many a child in my day with spoons. Also, if that's what you call ruining a lawn then you must have an animal proof lawn that you never mow. Very nice.

- Again, you could easily eat a steak with a spoon. You can also be a man about it and use your hands, as god intended. Stew, a mans food, cannot be eaten with a fork. Pudding, mans best dessert, cannot be eaten with a fork. Snow, mans best form of precipitation, cannot be shoveled properly with a fork. A spoon could easily pull any of this off.

- If I were ever in a situation where a person was stupid enough to park that close to my car, I could easily assume it was a fork, and, being the strong spoon I am(spoons have full bodies which gives them much upper strength while forks have prongs which splits the strength and, in turn, makes them weaker), I would pick the car up and move it myself. No need to damage the property of others. However, I would then place wooden blocks behind their front tires and watch to see how long it takes them to figure out why their car won't move. Silly forks, tricks are for spoons. When it pours, spoons reign.

- If you weren't yet aware, there is a sex position called 'Sexual Spoons'. As Wikiwiki states, "In the sexual spoons position, the penetrative partner lies on their side, with their knees bent. The receptive partner lies on their side, with their back pressed against the penetrative partner's front. It may be used for vaginal or anal penetration." If that doesn't release sexually-based chemicals into the brain I'd be quite surprised. Furthermore, this position allows spoons to easily live through a sexual experience with a fork as the 'spoonee' would not have to look into the face of the 'spooner'.

Did I mention that spoons are not incredibly full of themselves? They hold just enough pride to stand tall. Forks, however, stick themselves into the ground and talk out of their asses.

Bring it on, Fork.

In a previous post I likened Forks to men and spoons to women (spoon will no longer be capitalized as they are not deserving of my use of the shift key). Our newly hired second blogger took offense to that and tried to point out the many ways in which spoons are "better" then Forks.

Sounds to me like I hurt your feelings, spoon. Are you hormonal? Are you on your period? I am sorry for offending you, I'll be sure not to mention anything in the future for fear that it might send you into a blinding rage and launch you into early menopause complemented by the sudden drop of your uterus on the street corner you undoubtedly make your living on.

Forks are easily the greatest utensil ever. While many foods may evade a spoon's mere attempts to cradle them, a Fork will reach right through the motherfucker and get it done. The practical application of a Fork is much greater than that of a spoon. Let's take a look at a few real life examples of situations where a spoon will not cut it:

1) The neighbor's child is running around on your front lawn, picking up grass and peeing in various places. If you have a Fork handy, you can stab the bastard in the heart and take him back to his parents for his burial. If you have a spoon handy, you can use it to catch your tears as your front lawn is ruined.

2) You are going to eat a meal. If you have a Fork handy, you can indulge yourself in a delicious, juicy steak. If you have a spoon handy, you can eat soup, and soup is for faggots and everyone will hate you (note: I am not homophobic, I just love the word faggot as an insult).

3) You discover that someone has parked their car very closely to yours, rendering you unable to enter on the driver's side. You have to climb in the passenger side and somehow shift into the driver's seat. With a Fork, you can first scratch the shit out of the paint job on the enemy's car, then slash his tires. With a spoon, you can eat your fucking soup, faggot.

4) You are making out with the person you just hired to write on your blog. If you spoon her, there will be no sexually-based brain chemicals released. If you Fork her, she will have to shut up because she won't be able to make a logical argument while going, "Oh god, oh yes, oh god yes."

These reasons are all proof positive that Forks are better than spoons, that I am a better writer than spoon, and that all people like me more than they like themselves. I am also funnier and have better taste in music, movies, and television than spoon.

I win.

I would like to make it known that Fork over there is sexist. No where did I specify that all spoons are female. In fact, the majority of spoons are actually male, so perhaps he is then suggesting that male spoons are gay? Does that then make him homophobic? I think so. However, that I am aware of, gay men don't bleed for five days once a month. Shame on you, Fork. That is just terrible. I'd also like to inform Fork, and the rest of the male readers, that periods occur twenty eight days apart and usually last three to five days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. As for the emotions, we cannot possibly control our hormones so suck it. Just because we feel more often then you do does not mean we should hide it! Unless you will do us the favor of hiding your face. Maybe then we can compromise.

You think forks are better at everything? Puh-lease. I have never seen a fork melt ice. I have never seen a fork open a desk drawer. I have never seen a fork drive a car. I have never seen a fork build an igloo. I have never seen a fork eat another fork. I have never seen a fork fly a kite. I have never seen a fork create a universe. I have never seen a fork pick up an ant by one of it's antennae without breaking it off. I have never seen a fork write a poem about other forks. I do dare say that there is no way forks are better than spoons.

And now you say that forks are more aggressive than spoons. You're right, but I will tell you why. I was once attacked by a person holding a fork and it was a very unpleasant experience. The person went straight for my eye and boy did I get it! Four prongs straight through my cornea. It was a lobster fork, in case you were wondering how four prongs managed to hit such a small target. In any case, the perpetrator continued by scraping out my eyeball with the prongs and they left quite a mess. It was nasty.

Here is my point.

The next day I tracked down the perp to give them a taste of their own medicine. Instead of a fork I used a spoon, with which I scooped their eyeball on in order to neatly put it on display for a silent auction. With the eye on a nice platter, intact, dripping with its own succulent juices, atop a pile of beautiful greens, I was able to pocket about $4,500, cash. (COME ON!) At least spoons can bring you a profit. I'd like to see a fork do that. Unfortunately I never will because it simply cannot happen. Even if we are a cuddly type, you know you like it.

I understand that you're outraged by the fact that the Great and Powerful Spoon is here and will probably become more popular, but that is not reason enough to create poor attacks at such wonderful utensils. I was going to share the top with you but I may now need to reconsider! And now that I've made myself queasy I will leave.

Spoon wrote a post about how much she loves Spoons, and it was capitalized with some lameass poem. She says she is glad she isn't a fork. Believe me, we're glad too, and here's why:

-Forks don't bleed for five days once a month
-Forks don't change emotions every two seconds, causing every utensil around them to say wtf
-Forks are better at everything
-Forks are aggressive and stab, while Spoons merely suggest that you follow them with their hugging style

That's really all that matters. Spoon sucks.