I really enjoyed the conversation I had tonight with one old friend and one fairly new friend, and although we had a lot of fun, it got me thinking: why?

After all of...this. After all of the nonsense I have endured, specifically that of my "past" as it were, and the type of shit I dealt with today...why the hell am I bothering anymore? Even in my worst moments in the past, even in those horrible moments where I really saw the end, the thing that always managed to keep me going was the fact that there was still a part of me, somewhere, that saw a better outcome. It was always the smallest part, the most quiet voice, the last thing I'd ever listen to. Small as it was, it was enough.

Not anymore.

What the hell am I fighting for at this point? What greater cause am I reaching for? Throw that aside, what ANYTHING am I reaching for? I'm living in a place where I feel unwanted, with good people who I think shouldn't want me. I feel a burden to my friends, that being the one or two people I actually consider friends and not just those who tolerate me. I don't have any discernable future, and outside of that, I don't even have any obvious plans or even ability to change anything.

My biggest problem until I turned 18 was that I did not have a reason. For 3 1/2 years, fucked up as it was, I HAD ONE. I had everything I needed. Nothing else mattered because that one single thing was all I really needed to survive and to make it through life. Nine months ago that reason disappeared and now I am reaching and struggling to find anything.

Guess what: nothing is there.

I think the worst part is that no one around me gets it. I'm not foolish enough to think that I am the only person to have ever felt this way, but it is obvious to me that I am surrounded by people who don't have this problem, and my passive aggressive statements and movements are obviously not getting through to them, and why would it? I wouldn't pay attention if I were someone else.

I've said it alot, that I would do it or that I wanted to or that I thought I should...and you know what? For once, I am honest to god considering it. It's never gonna get any better, I'm never gonna replace her. The answer has always been staring me in the face, but I have just ignored it.

All that aside, I hope NS is okay. He is a person who knows how to enjoy life. His absence is a misunderstanding, I'm sure. I'd hate for someone like him, who actually has something to give others, to be in trouble or lost, when there are those of us who lack any sort of purpose...who still exist.

I prefer European beer. American beer mostly sucks, except Budweiser, which honestly, is alright. It's not great, and I'd like to avoid it if I can but...it is what it is. I wanted beer, and I wanted cheap beer.

So, in the interest of seeing just what I'm like, I'll be writing my thoughts down after each beer. Let's see what happens.

Beer 1 - Just finished the first one. I'm watching Scrubs. I love this show. Dr. Cox is one of my favorite TV characters ever. The way he treats JD is fucking hilarious. The other funny thing is Janitor, and his ad libbing of psycho lines. What a show. I'm partway through beer 2.

Beer 2 - Mmm. I'm actually feeling smooth right now. The fact that I've slept about 1 hour out of the last 24 has to do with this. Also, I don't drink as much anymore, so really...two beers is feeling nice. Scrubs just ended. I'm kind of sad, but now Family Guy is on. Why does my life revolve around TV? Oh, right, because I haven't fucked anyone in a long time, I can't believe I forgot. Cracking beer 3.

Beer 3 - I hate that new Axe commercial about girl approved hair. My response? "if these bitches with huge racks cant get a guy to nut on those double bubbles because of their hair, what choice does a flat chested shallow coporate whore like you have?" Hahaha suck on that skinny bitch with no tits in the commercial. Women are just as shallow as men, end of story. I hate women sometimes, especially my ex. People tell me to get over it...maybe I should. I want some pot and a blowjob and maybe some Del Taco?

Beer 4 - Family Guy is funny as hell. I love a frosty cold beer...too bad these aren't frosty, just cold. I wish I was at a bar. I want to look at some broads and get yelled at for it or something, then be thrown out and beaten up. That'd be so funny. I love my sports teams, and fuck the haters. I need another drink...opening beer 5.

Beer 5 - My friend just called me and assumes I'm mad at her. I'm not. Fucking women.

Beer 6 - I want...some food. But I ate food earlier. I love food. That's why I'm fat. I love chicks too. I want to get mad money, so I can lose mad weight, and get mad chicks, and mad rock it wall if you namean. haha namean. ghetto slang on the interwebs is what its wabout. Fuck tv seriously that 70s show is up next though sweeeeeeet. lets of e's. not lots of e though, i dont do drugs. i really wanna fuck this one girl.

Beer 7 - I love television. I wish I could watch corner gas. that show was funny as fuck but I can't do anything that associates itself with acanda. My fucking self is letting my fucking ex ruin my life. what the hell to that, man? why am i letting that shit happen. i know...because i have a lot of beer. oh fuck...this dude on tv is eating chicken...and some brownies just got brought in. i want chicken and brownies...mmm chicken.

Beer 8 - Sometimes I love my friends...I kinda want a cigar...I definitely want some assssss. And a brownie actually. Chicks love chocolate on their periods. Me too. but not on my period. on my question mark. i was just thinking, you know what, fuck my psychologist, im not an alcoholic, im 22 and I like to drink. so fuck that. ill quit drinking when i meet someone worth quitting over. i want chicken, i know that was in the last one but i still do. a burger or pizza or burrito would suffice but...mostly some spicy ass fried chicken with mashed potatoes and like, corn, some gravy, biscuits...god...im fat but fuck i love food. time for beer 9.

Beer 9 - Man I love my nephews and nieces. I just wanna buy them stuff. They are the best kids in the world. I don't think I could have my own kids...I duno. I'd do anything for my nieces/nephews though. I'd give my life for them. beer 10.

Beer 10 - Holy fuck I am drunk. no one else is awake to talk to me...im listening to music waiting for tv to come on that i dont even really want to watch cuz i want to listen to music. this is always my struggle when drunk/high, music or tv? usually one prevails in some sort of battle and it is the rich choice. i guess i should get drunk and high and listen to music while watching tv so i could just fuck everything up. i want to go on a date. beer 11 time.

Beer 11 - I have friends but I think I fuck them over or something...Because I'm probably not a good friend. holy GOD im drunk

whoa...i just woke up like 15 hours later with an unfinished 12th beer...nice

Say it with me Republicans: PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT CONSERVATIVES, SUCK IT TIL YOU DIE

So, yet again, I've chosen to uproot my life and head to a new place to live. Now I'm moving to Arionza, where I spent most of my childhood and early/mid teen years, and setting myself back in school quite a while due to this whole in state tuition nonsense. Now I'll graduate when I'm like 27. How fabulous.

It's mostly just a need. I have to get out of my current situation and even if that puts me back...whatever. I don't even have some sort of concept of what I want to do with my life so I might be wasting my time in college at this point anyway. So...fuck that.

I've changed my relationships with a lot of people lately. Not necessarily on purpose, but more because I've just lost interest in what I had with them...not because of them, but more because I am not interested in having those types of relationships myself. That sentence made absolutely no sense, but whatever. It made sense in my head, and thats all that really matters.

You know what...fuck it.

It's funny how at any given moment, whether you're thinking clearly or not, any decision you make can be the most rational thing you've ever thought. Merely months, weeks, days, or even hours later, you can completely hate yourself for that decision and realize that you made a mistake, and often, not a damn thing can be done about that.

I now see my life as a series of these occasions. Mistake after mistake after mistake that I have absolutely no ability to correct or change in any way. A lot of people look at it and say hey, hindsight is 20/20, and life is all about the ride, but sometimes I want the ride to not be such a pain in the ass. I am absolutely not the only one going through trouble, as Spoon detailed in her previous post, her life has been hell lately too, but it still feels like everything is against me lately.

However, whether it's true or not, the question has to be posed: is everything against me because of some universal karma (I actually don't reject this idea, I've done a lot of bad things), because the universe just plain doesn't like me (if you're scoffing at this, I'll remind you that if you're one of the people who believes in a being that wants you not to look at your neighbor's wife because it's just as wrong as murder, you're crazier than me), or am I actually setting myself up for all this failure? I don't like the fact that the last one might be true.

Now, the Patriots losing the Superbowl was not my fault. But losing my ex after my own repeated failures and after not wanting to be with her anyway is my fault, because I went back to someone who I fought with all the time. I was in a bad relationship that was doomed to fail and when the inevitable occured, I was surprised and hurt. Hurt is understandable, but surprised? Why?

Then there are things like gambling. How is that not setting myself up for failure? I always think there is a solution to that whole problem but I always end up on the wrong end of that one, and always think it will be different. It's a compulsion I guess, and one I struggle with repeatedly to remove from my life.

Outside of the famed "her," I struggle with women in a major way. The only women who want me have serious mental issues and children (one must wonder if the two are related...nah, they've always been crazy), and they are just people I am not interested in. It's no fault of their own. They aren't bad people. I've had a connection with one person in my life and that connection is something I need. I can't just date someone. I have my own issues and unfortunately it ends these relationships that could potentially go well. Can't change who you are, though.

There are a couple friendships that have taken a turn in a certain direction that I now realize is a mistake. I need to cut those off because...well, in the end, that kind of thing always comes back to bite me in the ass. Thank God I have people like Spoon to bounce ideas off all the time, even if she is a lameass spoon.

There is also one other really odd case. A girl I was totally in love with in high school is now a good friend of mine, after various absences of talking and whatnot. I am currently in the process of moving back to our mutual home state where she still lives. We've been hanging out a lot recently while I was visiting, and it was...strange. We'd hung out since, but this time it was kind of different. I almost felt like I had some kind of feelings for her...I couldn't tell if it was feelings of "z0mg contact with a girl" or some kind of...nostalgia...or something entirely different. She once told me she thought that we were meant to be together. I suppose now more than before I find this possibility intriguing. Do I believe it? I really don't know. What's more disturbing? She is one of the few regular readers of this website and certainly I'm going to catch hell for this.

I'm finding myself more and more interested in being involved in music as the point of my life. It's not easy to do though. People keep suggesting I be a stand-up comedian, which I have thought about, but it seems difficult. I'm normally funniest when I'm just talking random shit, not when im trying to write something funny. Who knows though, I've failed at 1000 things, why not fail at that?

New year, new place to live, new school, new classes. Old friends, old problems. Life is too cyclical.

So I was hanging out with our one and only loyal reader. She attempted to beat me into a pulp, but instead I promised that I would write a new post today. So, I am going to do that. Then later I'm going to be stoned and I'll write one then too. But, to appease my friend:

ONE TIME I ATE FOUR HUNDRED CHICKENS IN A ROW. I PUT THE WHOLE, LIVE CHICKENS ON A ROLL AND CALLED IT A CHICKEN SANDWICH. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I have two thouuussaaannnd dollars. I am going to spend it on NINE HOT DOGS. I will ENJOY THEM.

Forty forty forty forty forty forty FORTYYYYYYYYYY.

I was gonna clean my room, but then I got subpoenad for the murder of Abraham Lincoln. FUCK I'M DUE IN COURT.

There are lots of hot chicks on TV. I love hot chicks. I want 6 or 7 of them in my house. Then we'd be all parttyyyyy. We'd have the sex.

Yeah nigga yeah nigga yeah nigga yeah nigga.

EIGHT HUNDRED

So last year, I was in Toronto on New Year's Eve. We watched a local performance and I told my then girlfriend that one year from that day, I would perform on that stage. I'd be the famous one. I'd finally get my rap shit together and make things happen. How did that turn out? Instead of performing for Toronto while in a relationship, I went bowling with my parents. That's kind of different from what I said I would do (but I totally zoned in and had a couple great games).

So, with that in mind, I am committed to making this year better than the last, since last year sucked harder than anything has ever sucked ever. So here it is, The Big List of Things That Will be Better in 2009:

I will get over my ex: If I could do one thing this year, this will be it, and this is not a joke at all. This will be the first year since 2004 that we have not spent some portion of together and I absolutely forget her this year or I will never be happy again.

I will watch Tom Brady break more records on track to winning Superbowl #4: I was worried we were gonna trade Brady and franchise Cassel. Then we didn't make the playoffs. I'm not worried anymore.

I will have sex again this year: What's more shocking to you: that I would admit this on a webpage that family members can easily read, or that I talked about Tom Brady before this?

Seriously, sex: It really needs to be mentioned twice because I haven't had sex in a LONG time.

SEX

LOTS OF SEX

I will own a sno cone stand: Small children in the neighborhood will cower in fear when my sno cone stand blows the shit out of their lemonade stand.

I will invent something: Likely candidates involve some sort of sno cone company and some sort of time machine so I can go back in time and smack myself for dating my bitch ex, and also for living on the internet in the past which preventing me from meeting hawt chix, and also for not losing weight before. Fuck you, past self.

I will decode why MIMS is in fact, hot: No one knows why MIMS is hot, because his logic is lacking; he's hot because he's fly...but why is he fly? Because he's hot? You had to get to fly somehow, MIMS, and I will find out.

This is Why I'm Hot!: Hate it or not, that shit is catchy.

Yes it's me, the underestimated MC, so, ill with the flow, I need an MD: Ok I'm listening to way too much MIMS now.

Where was I?: Oh yeah, 2009. Right.

I will stop running into large groups of people while screaming, "PRAISE ALLAH": I will only run into REALLY large groups and do this now.

I will prove that "We Will Rock You" is the most recognizable song of all time: Seriously. Find me a SINGLE PERSON who has not heard this song. More than that, find someone who doesn't like it. You can't. It rules. I wish I could have this song play every time I walked into a room.

I Will Rock You: You fucking better believe that I will.

I'll have sex with Spoon: Just for good measure. Like a teaspoon's worth of sex. Get it? For good measure? HAHAHAHAHA!

Six Number One Albums!: Imagine that, cats are sick, the dog got his swagger back.

I think that's all for now. I guess these are my resolutions. I'll add more if and when I think of them.

I hate 2008 and I cannot wait for it to be over. I want 2008 to morph into a person so I can beat it mercilessly with some form of blunt instrument until it arrives at the brink of death, only to then nurse it back to health so that I can once again beat it mercilessly until it fears its own death.

I want to perform Chinese water torture on 2008. I want 2008 to be found dead in a river with signs of severe torture, nothing but the husk of a former human torn apart by fish. I want 2008 to go to hell and burn for all of eternity.

I have never in my life wanted anything to end more than I want this year to end. I want to wash it away from my memory. If I had the option of having Amnesia so that I never had to remember 2008, I'd take it. I'd throw away all the other memories I had so long as I didn't have to suffer through these ones anymore.

Here's the fun part: 2009 is going to be worse. There are at least some positive memories of this godawful year, some few moments here and there that were less than the pure disaster that is every other day, but next year? Next year is already prime for disappointment. Next year promises family issues, financial crises, some form of homelessness, and a lack of sex (PS: just about every good memory of this year involves sex), so I can pretty much say without a doubt that as much as 2008 blew more than 1000 $10 whores on payday, 2009 is just going to be even worse.

Isn't that fucking fantastic?

On the plus side.

Umm...I really tried to think of some positive things so this wouldn't just be another complaining-type entry, but, uh...I couldn't.

I want you to pretend with me.

I want you to pretend that life is fair. I want you to pretend that you are happy. I want you to pretend that every second of everyday isn't yet another massive disappointment, because try as you might, you can't live up to the expectations of yourself or others.

I want you to pretend that you are where you want to be, doing what you want to do. I want you to pretend that you have no vices, and that you are too strong to succumb to that kind of thing. I want you to pretend that you aren't the type of weak person that enters some form of intoxication in order to avoid dealing with reality.

I want you to pretend that you don't live and die with every basket, touchdown, or home run. I want you to pretend that music don't mean more to you than everyone else in the world, and that you cannot comprehend how people like what they do, and that every new T-Pain song doesn't kill you inside just a little bit more.

I want you to pretend that you don't miss your ex. I want you to pretend that you don't still want her to come back to you even though you really do hate her. I want you to pretend that you get along with your family and that everything works with them. I want you to pretend that you have any fucking clue about what you want to do with your life.

Or maybe it's just me who wants to pretend.

This is, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. I cannot wait for it to crash and burn into 2009 which I know in the back of my mind is going to be even worse. Later on, I'm going to recount all of my "favorite" moments from 2008. Then I'm going to jump off a bridge, or something.