Believe it or not, the following exchanges are gleaned from stenographers' reports of actual court cases.

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: So the date of your baby's conception was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: Did you sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Thanks, Bath & Body Works. I rarely shop at expensive stores like this because there is no way I can afford to really do so. You are correct, that's a lie, but I just can't get myself to buy expensive things like that when there's no one to show off for in the first place. Anyway, I found this absolutely wonderful lip balm that Jessica bought as a Christmas present for me. It is perfect. It smells good and tastes minty. There is no tint. It's very protective. It is just wonderful in every way...except the price of course. So when I saw a sale for buy one get one free I figured it was the best deal I'd see on them anyway so I'd just go for it! I put two in my 'shopping bag' and went to the checkout where it said I had four. So far the math is correct.

When I received the package this morning I was very surprised to see three lip balms. The invoice said three. I went and checked my account online and the recent purchases said three. I checked the confirmation email and it said three. While I know you don't really care, if only you could imagine my anger. Because of the expense of these products, the wonderful sale is the only reason I bought them. I really enjoy money being stooooolen. The second half of the smileys on here are kind of interesting. Not very colorful but they will do.

I wish I had a fun work story to share but since I stand around doing absolutely nothing these days when I'm there it's hard to find anything interesting. Yesterday and the day before the heat was not working so the store was below 55 degrees all day. It was actually nicer outside than in the store at one point. Today I had time to read through a few magazines. Oh, yeah, here are some tips from Self magazine. They had an article on Jenna Fischer and the tips that I guess the magazine people gave her. Oh sure, they're available online. Well, I hid down an aisle and took notes on what they mentioned. It wasn't much, just dressing fresh, jogging, sleeping, doing crunches, and a few other things.

Why am I still going? What a boring post. I will finish up with a few newspaper headlines from 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said.

Police Suspicious After Body Found in Graveyard

Male Infertility Can be Passed on to Children

Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptibly in the Military During Wartime

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

And last but not least...

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope