It's funny how at any given moment, whether you're thinking clearly or not, any decision you make can be the most rational thing you've ever thought. Merely months, weeks, days, or even hours later, you can completely hate yourself for that decision and realize that you made a mistake, and often, not a damn thing can be done about that.

I now see my life as a series of these occasions. Mistake after mistake after mistake that I have absolutely no ability to correct or change in any way. A lot of people look at it and say hey, hindsight is 20/20, and life is all about the ride, but sometimes I want the ride to not be such a pain in the ass. I am absolutely not the only one going through trouble, as Spoon detailed in her previous post, her life has been hell lately too, but it still feels like everything is against me lately.

However, whether it's true or not, the question has to be posed: is everything against me because of some universal karma (I actually don't reject this idea, I've done a lot of bad things), because the universe just plain doesn't like me (if you're scoffing at this, I'll remind you that if you're one of the people who believes in a being that wants you not to look at your neighbor's wife because it's just as wrong as murder, you're crazier than me), or am I actually setting myself up for all this failure? I don't like the fact that the last one might be true.

Now, the Patriots losing the Superbowl was not my fault. But losing my ex after my own repeated failures and after not wanting to be with her anyway is my fault, because I went back to someone who I fought with all the time. I was in a bad relationship that was doomed to fail and when the inevitable occured, I was surprised and hurt. Hurt is understandable, but surprised? Why?

Then there are things like gambling. How is that not setting myself up for failure? I always think there is a solution to that whole problem but I always end up on the wrong end of that one, and always think it will be different. It's a compulsion I guess, and one I struggle with repeatedly to remove from my life.

Outside of the famed "her," I struggle with women in a major way. The only women who want me have serious mental issues and children (one must wonder if the two are related...nah, they've always been crazy), and they are just people I am not interested in. It's no fault of their own. They aren't bad people. I've had a connection with one person in my life and that connection is something I need. I can't just date someone. I have my own issues and unfortunately it ends these relationships that could potentially go well. Can't change who you are, though.

There are a couple friendships that have taken a turn in a certain direction that I now realize is a mistake. I need to cut those off because...well, in the end, that kind of thing always comes back to bite me in the ass. Thank God I have people like Spoon to bounce ideas off all the time, even if she is a lameass spoon.

There is also one other really odd case. A girl I was totally in love with in high school is now a good friend of mine, after various absences of talking and whatnot. I am currently in the process of moving back to our mutual home state where she still lives. We've been hanging out a lot recently while I was visiting, and it was...strange. We'd hung out since, but this time it was kind of different. I almost felt like I had some kind of feelings for her...I couldn't tell if it was feelings of "z0mg contact with a girl" or some kind of...nostalgia...or something entirely different. She once told me she thought that we were meant to be together. I suppose now more than before I find this possibility intriguing. Do I believe it? I really don't know. What's more disturbing? She is one of the few regular readers of this website and certainly I'm going to catch hell for this.

I'm finding myself more and more interested in being involved in music as the point of my life. It's not easy to do though. People keep suggesting I be a stand-up comedian, which I have thought about, but it seems difficult. I'm normally funniest when I'm just talking random shit, not when im trying to write something funny. Who knows though, I've failed at 1000 things, why not fail at that?

New year, new place to live, new school, new classes. Old friends, old problems. Life is too cyclical.