Rumfork Sages

So last year, I was in Toronto on New Year's Eve. We watched a local performance and I told my then girlfriend that one year from that day, I would perform on that stage. I'd be the famous one. I'd finally get my rap shit together and make things happen. How did that turn out? Instead of performing for Toronto while in a relationship, I went bowling with my parents. That's kind of different from what I said I would do (but I totally zoned in and had a couple great games).

So, with that in mind, I am committed to making this year better than the last, since last year sucked harder than anything has ever sucked ever. So here it is, The Big List of Things That Will be Better in 2009:

I will get over my ex: If I could do one thing this year, this will be it, and this is not a joke at all. This will be the first year since 2004 that we have not spent some portion of together and I absolutely forget her this year or I will never be happy again.

I will watch Tom Brady break more records on track to winning Superbowl #4: I was worried we were gonna trade Brady and franchise Cassel. Then we didn't make the playoffs. I'm not worried anymore.

I will have sex again this year: What's more shocking to you: that I would admit this on a webpage that family members can easily read, or that I talked about Tom Brady before this?

Seriously, sex: It really needs to be mentioned twice because I haven't had sex in a LONG time.

SEX

LOTS OF SEX

I will own a sno cone stand: Small children in the neighborhood will cower in fear when my sno cone stand blows the shit out of their lemonade stand.

I will invent something: Likely candidates involve some sort of sno cone company and some sort of time machine so I can go back in time and smack myself for dating my bitch ex, and also for living on the internet in the past which preventing me from meeting hawt chix, and also for not losing weight before. Fuck you, past self.

I will decode why MIMS is in fact, hot: No one knows why MIMS is hot, because his logic is lacking; he's hot because he's fly...but why is he fly? Because he's hot? You had to get to fly somehow, MIMS, and I will find out.

This is Why I'm Hot!: Hate it or not, that shit is catchy.

Yes it's me, the underestimated MC, so, ill with the flow, I need an MD: Ok I'm listening to way too much MIMS now.

Where was I?: Oh yeah, 2009. Right.

I will stop running into large groups of people while screaming, "PRAISE ALLAH": I will only run into REALLY large groups and do this now.

I will prove that "We Will Rock You" is the most recognizable song of all time: Seriously. Find me a SINGLE PERSON who has not heard this song. More than that, find someone who doesn't like it. You can't. It rules. I wish I could have this song play every time I walked into a room.

I Will Rock You: You fucking better believe that I will.

I'll have sex with Spoon: Just for good measure. Like a teaspoon's worth of sex. Get it? For good measure? HAHAHAHAHA!

Six Number One Albums!: Imagine that, cats are sick, the dog got his swagger back.

I think that's all for now. I guess these are my resolutions. I'll add more if and when I think of them.