Rumfork Sages

It's too bad that Fork is not as intelligent as I am. He apparently thinks that I can sit here and stare at the screen while my thoughts appear automatically. Far be it from me that I might disvalue a compliment such as that(it takes quite a bit of talent to just sit there and let technology do all of the work for you), but I do believe that the magic needed for that does not exist. That's right. I am mortal and I typed up my previous three posts. Don't feel too downhearted, Fork. It will be okay.

As you can see by reading Forks few posts that are aimed at me, forks clearly have no class. Spoons, on the other hand, are very courteous, and I will prove that by continuing to capitalize Fork, as I have respect for all fellow utensils.

Moving right along, yes, I am hormonal seeing as I'm five months along in this pregnancy. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. It appears forks have no ears; this does not surprise me, especially if forks are male as Fork claims them to be. Onward! Suddenly Fork has a problem with cradling? Pardon me, but it is only natural to be nurtured by someone. As pleasant as it is to be stabbed in the heart repeatedly by forks, it's nice to be held nicely every once in a while. You have to decide if you want the boyish fork or the manly spoon. I know which one I'd choose.

As much as you have a few good points, you also seem to be misinformed.

- You can stab children with spoons just as easily as you can stab them with forks, you just need to have the right kind. I know this because I have stabbed many a child in my day with spoons. Also, if that's what you call ruining a lawn then you must have an animal proof lawn that you never mow. Very nice.

- Again, you could easily eat a steak with a spoon. You can also be a man about it and use your hands, as god intended. Stew, a mans food, cannot be eaten with a fork. Pudding, mans best dessert, cannot be eaten with a fork. Snow, mans best form of precipitation, cannot be shoveled properly with a fork. A spoon could easily pull any of this off.

- If I were ever in a situation where a person was stupid enough to park that close to my car, I could easily assume it was a fork, and, being the strong spoon I am(spoons have full bodies which gives them much upper strength while forks have prongs which splits the strength and, in turn, makes them weaker), I would pick the car up and move it myself. No need to damage the property of others. However, I would then place wooden blocks behind their front tires and watch to see how long it takes them to figure out why their car won't move. Silly forks, tricks are for spoons. When it pours, spoons reign.

- If you weren't yet aware, there is a sex position called 'Sexual Spoons'. As Wikiwiki states, "In the sexual spoons position, the penetrative partner lies on their side, with their knees bent. The receptive partner lies on their side, with their back pressed against the penetrative partner's front. It may be used for vaginal or anal penetration." If that doesn't release sexually-based chemicals into the brain I'd be quite surprised. Furthermore, this position allows spoons to easily live through a sexual experience with a fork as the 'spoonee' would not have to look into the face of the 'spooner'.

Did I mention that spoons are not incredibly full of themselves? They hold just enough pride to stand tall. Forks, however, stick themselves into the ground and talk out of their asses.

Bring it on, Fork.