Rumfork Sages

I would like to make it known that Fork over there is sexist. No where did I specify that all spoons are female. In fact, the majority of spoons are actually male, so perhaps he is then suggesting that male spoons are gay? Does that then make him homophobic? I think so. However, that I am aware of, gay men don't bleed for five days once a month. Shame on you, Fork. That is just terrible. I'd also like to inform Fork, and the rest of the male readers, that periods occur twenty eight days apart and usually last three to five days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. As for the emotions, we cannot possibly control our hormones so suck it. Just because we feel more often then you do does not mean we should hide it! Unless you will do us the favor of hiding your face. Maybe then we can compromise.

You think forks are better at everything? Puh-lease. I have never seen a fork melt ice. I have never seen a fork open a desk drawer. I have never seen a fork drive a car. I have never seen a fork build an igloo. I have never seen a fork eat another fork. I have never seen a fork fly a kite. I have never seen a fork create a universe. I have never seen a fork pick up an ant by one of it's antennae without breaking it off. I have never seen a fork write a poem about other forks. I do dare say that there is no way forks are better than spoons.

And now you say that forks are more aggressive than spoons. You're right, but I will tell you why. I was once attacked by a person holding a fork and it was a very unpleasant experience. The person went straight for my eye and boy did I get it! Four prongs straight through my cornea. It was a lobster fork, in case you were wondering how four prongs managed to hit such a small target. In any case, the perpetrator continued by scraping out my eyeball with the prongs and they left quite a mess. It was nasty.

Here is my point.

The next day I tracked down the perp to give them a taste of their own medicine. Instead of a fork I used a spoon, with which I scooped their eyeball on in order to neatly put it on display for a silent auction. With the eye on a nice platter, intact, dripping with its own succulent juices, atop a pile of beautiful greens, I was able to pocket about $4,500, cash. (COME ON!) At least spoons can bring you a profit. I'd like to see a fork do that. Unfortunately I never will because it simply cannot happen. Even if we are a cuddly type, you know you like it.

I understand that you're outraged by the fact that the Great and Powerful Spoon is here and will probably become more popular, but that is not reason enough to create poor attacks at such wonderful utensils. I was going to share the top with you but I may now need to reconsider! And now that I've made myself queasy I will leave.