Rumfork Sages

Another story from when I was 16:

"Whoa whoa whoa kimosabe!" The Cash Money Records music blasted out of Antwain's stereo. "Big big big ballin' is mah hobby!"

Antwain's friend Joe was annoyed. "Man, turn that shit off. Play some punk!"

Antwain didn't like this statement, so he stopped the car, and threw Joe out. Normally, this wouldn't have been that bad, except that they were driving over an active volcano using a flying car. So Joe died. Then, Antwain landed outside the volcano, and got another friend out of the trunk of his car, one who liked rap. This guy's name was Bruce.

Antwain and Bruce flew along over the Pacific Ocean, minding their own business, eating sandwiches from some gas station back in Wyoming. Suddenly, Bruce had a good idea.

"Hey! Let's put the top down!"

"Fantastic idea!" Antwain put the top down, and Bruce's hat flew off.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming!" Then Amelia Earhart's plane came out of nowhere and cut his head off. Antwain pushed the rest of his body out of the car.

"Bet you didn't see that coming either!" And indeed, Bruce hadn't seen it coming.

Antwain pulled another friend out of the glove compartment. This friend was a good one because he was always drunk. Why this is good I don't know, but it's far better than the former twist in the story.

"I love you man." The drunken fool always expressed his love. "I love this car. I love this air. I love this seat. I love everything!" Antwain got tired of that and put him back in the glove box.

Then, suddenly, flying ninjas came out of nowhere and started throwing Chinese throwing stars at the car. Antwain folded the car up and put it in his wallet, then started throwing toothpicks at the ninjas.

"Hah! Hiya! Ho! Hi! Hehah! Hiyaho!" Antwain was fluent in random fighting sounds.
Then, the ninjas all changed into Jiggalypuff Pokemon and ate cotton candy, as opposed to throwing Chinese stars. So Antwain sat down on a lawnchair that happened to be there, and decided to drink the lemonade that some girl in a bikini handed him.

As he drank, and watched the Pokemon eat cotton candy, he thought back to the time when he and Pikachu went barhopping, and picked up that stripper from Cancun. Those were good times.

"I know what you're thinking," said Bruce Willis. "You're thinking, 'What the hell is Bruce Willis doing here?' Well, I must say, I agree. What am I doing here?" Bruce Willis disappeared.

Antwain then picked up a sword and stabbed all the Pokemon. He then reached for the car in his wallet, but accidentally grabbed a condom, but decided it was ok and flew around in that.

He flew around New York City going "Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" But in New York they were having the Thanksgiving Day parade, and no one noticed, until the giant flying condom flew into the big Vagisil cream float. This had interesting implications that I don't want to go into, so Antwain flew off before anyone could catch him.

As he flew over the world, Antwain decided that he didn't really like Arkansas, so he decided to crash the condom into it and see what happened.

What sucked about it is that people thought it was a comet that plunged into a hole in the earth and caused a huge fucking explosion and not a condom. So people didn't really see the hilarity. Get it? A giant condom came down and plunged into a hole in the earth and exploded. HAHAHAH.