Rumfork Sages

What with the major success this website is having (9 unique visitors per day on average, that is slightly less popular than the least popular site on the internet), all I can say is that you should tell your friends about this site. Why, you might ask. As you may have guessed, I have a list of reasons:

I know where you live - Think about that for a few minutes. Do you want to wake in bed with the screen of your laptop cut off, covered in cables? No, you don't.

NFL Picks were 12-3 this week - Seriously, if I had got the post up in time, 13-3. Do you know who else picks NFL games with that kind of accuracy? The best ESPN analysts. The difference? I'm not a douchebag.

I am insane - I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS. Need I say more?

I find you very attractive - And since you were dumped recently, isn't this important? I like your body, and honestly, I don't think you need to lose weight. You're beautiful as you are. I think you and I should grab dinner and a movie sometime.

I once had sex with a camel - How many bloggers can boast that?

I have masturbated to the Paris Hilton sextape several times - That kind of experience is not common on your average blog. I have a documented history of doing important things and telling you about them, like when I was the first to report that Heather owns three bottles of Sprite.

It snowed yesterday - History tells us that when it snows, you should read rumfork.com.

All the cool people are doing it - Typically, Cool People are a very small group. That's why so few people have read this site. If you read it continually, and get others to read it, you will be cool too.

I have 19 spoons - I think that speaks for itself.

I will never make you cry - Whoops, this was supposed to go in my dating ad on pleaselovemeeventhoughimfat.com

There you have it. Proof that this is the most important site on the internet. Tell your friends, or I will cry in my sleep and then come to your house and eat your chicken.