Rumfork Sages

A new, but quite interesting friend, told me tonight that she found my introspection on this site interesting. With that in mind, I figured I'd post some more. I should note that the following thoughts do not apply to the few people close to me, and also this friend who commented on the introspection. So, onward.

I think that when I tell people that I hate people, they think I'm kidding. I am not. I often shudder in disgust at the mere thought of like, having to talk to someone, or listen to someone, or think about someone.

Let's take for example my prior relationship that I am so not at all bitter (yeah right) about. The ex-girlfriend in question was Canadian. I now literally cringe anytime I see anything Canadian, hear about someone from Canada, find out someone is from Canada, see the word Canada (it's hard to type this paragraph), see the name of a city in Canada...anything to do with Canada.

Why do I do that? Canada has not wronged me. If she had been American, I would not have decided that I hate all Americans. Interestingly, I believe I would grow to hate the state she was from. It's a local thing; I hate the province she was from more than others, and the city she was from more than anything else. That is a city I used to love, but now that I associate it with her, I completely despise it and will never go back there.

So let's run with this logic. I hate everything having to do with our neighbors to the north because of some bitch; it's an association issue. So what is it that I am associating people with that makes me so angry so easily? Certainly not all people have done anything to me, in fact over 6 billion people have done nothing to me, and yet I still have an amazing amount of contempt for these people.

I have really come to the conclusion that the issues of a few become the issues of many with me. My latte art rant in an earlier post is a perfect example; I fucking hate people who think latte art is interesting, or even...art. That is just one thing that makes me hate people just a little bit more. I was recently discussing art with family. They brought up some artist (I'm not going to repeat the name because I hate him) who intends to cover the Arkansas river with a tarp.

Why? Why would anyone do this? Why in the hell would anyone waste their time putting a goddamn tarp over a river? What the hell? I have heard that they expect 350,000 people to show up to this "event." Who takes time out of their lives to look at a fucking TARP?

Most times when I talk to a new person I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. The things that people say confuse the hell out of me; not because I can't understand, but because I can't understand just why the hell they think I care. I actually seek out people to talk to, and then when I do, I often wonder why I did it.

I could argue that I am more agitated these days because of the breakup, but anyone who knows me will tell you that is 100% untrue. I'm actually less annoyed than usual, a fact which is completely fucking confusing to me (it's medication). All this together, I am damn grateful for the few people I do actually like, because they keep me sane, and make me feel like I'm not actually going to flip out and blow my own head off.

I guess I just want to solve all of this. People always say "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" (this also pisses me off, by the way), and even if that were somehow true, who the hell said I had an issue loving myself? I just want to talk to more people who aren't fucking morons. It's mostly annoying because even in my fucked up relationship, I had a real connection, and now I've lost that. How will I find it again? Who the hell knows.

"God" save anyone who gets in my way.