Rumfork Sages

I used to have these crazy women, three of them with children, who would constantly talk to me and try to get me to enter a relationship with them. No matter how much I told them that I was not interested in a relationship, they repeatedly attacked me, seeming to think that just by being a bitch I would suddenly come around and love them. You can tell by the title of this post that it did not work.

But man, ever since I ran them off, I really am bored. It used to be fun to deal with their repeated advances, the constant text messaging, and just the general attention brought on by all those crazy women who seemed to think that I was just the right thing for them. The ones with children especially baffle me...I mean seriously, you want me to play father to your child? They always said that their children had nothing to do with it, but because I'm not an idiot, I knew better. However, they did their best to flip out and try to trap me whenever I did mention that portion. I skillfully avoided their pathetic attempts to rope me in with the following points:

I Drink - And I certainly don't mean the occasional beer. I mean I drink a 12 pack before I drive to the bar to drink 15 more. If you still think I'm someone you want to be around, then you should probably read on (side note: one of the psychos just called me! Yay! Time to fuck with her head!).

I Gamble - This does not mean I play penny slots. This means that I bet thousands of dollars on sports games and spend thousands on hold 'em poker. Do you want to pay rent next month? Date me, and we'll see if you can!

I Smoke Cigars - There is nothing better than a beer, two hole cards, a game I've got money on on TV, and a Cuban cigar. Perhaps if I could be having sex at the same time that would be better, but for the purposes of this article, these three are the best. I love cigars so much. I've never met a woman who did. Despite this, I wouldn't quit smoking them. Cigars are better than arguing over something I don't even understand (SUBTLE HINT).

I Play Video Games - Not WoW or lame shit like that, but those games of the sports variety. If I turn on NBA 2K9, expect me to play for the next 10 hours. You're welcome to join me or talk to me while I do it, but why the hell should I have to stop? I've spent plenty of time doing things for women but reciprocity doesn't seem to exist. Goddamn psychos.

I Make Jokes - This seems to fly with women until you are dating them. Then suddenly it's okay for them to mock you, but not for you to mock them. In order to deal with psychos, I make it clear that I intend to mock them by incessantly mocking them. All the time. At every turn.

I Lie - Not about whether or not I ate meat when you are trying to get me to do some dumbass cleanse. I come up with the most insane lies you could think of all the time, and I will always be trying to convince you of them. Only one person in history has been able to call me on my lies, and that was only after years, and that was only because I didn't try very hard with them because I actually cared about that person. I don't care about you, and I'll lie to you.

I Know That Men And Women Are Different - This could alternately be titled I Am Sexist. Any man you meet thinks you are crazy. Women are crazy, that's just how it is. I hate women who can never accept this. Women have three physiological goals; 1) Get married, 2) Raise family, 3) Destroy a man's life. Here's the thing: as long as you know we are crazy, we are okay with it. It's just nice to know that you accept the fact that we are always going to be confused at just what the hell you are talking about.

No matter how much I mentioned this shit, they never went away. It seems there is no way to make them go away forever. One has started texting me again, another has just called me. I told her I would call her back. Normally I wouldn't, but I have been bored lately without a throng of less than mentally stable females to play with. I'll have to call her back later than I said I would and say rude things and then make her admit she has feelings for me. I guess no matter how hard you push, they never really go away. Guess I'll have to go back to using sex is a weapon. They never learn.