I hate 2008 and I cannot wait for it to be over. I want 2008 to morph into a person so I can beat it mercilessly with some form of blunt instrument until it arrives at the brink of death, only to then nurse it back to health so that I can once again beat it mercilessly until it fears its own death.

I want to perform Chinese water torture on 2008. I want 2008 to be found dead in a river with signs of severe torture, nothing but the husk of a former human torn apart by fish. I want 2008 to go to hell and burn for all of eternity.

I have never in my life wanted anything to end more than I want this year to end. I want to wash it away from my memory. If I had the option of having Amnesia so that I never had to remember 2008, I'd take it. I'd throw away all the other memories I had so long as I didn't have to suffer through these ones anymore.

Here's the fun part: 2009 is going to be worse. There are at least some positive memories of this godawful year, some few moments here and there that were less than the pure disaster that is every other day, but next year? Next year is already prime for disappointment. Next year promises family issues, financial crises, some form of homelessness, and a lack of sex (PS: just about every good memory of this year involves sex), so I can pretty much say without a doubt that as much as 2008 blew more than 1000 $10 whores on payday, 2009 is just going to be even worse.

Isn't that fucking fantastic?

On the plus side.

Umm...I really tried to think of some positive things so this wouldn't just be another complaining-type entry, but, uh...I couldn't.

I want you to pretend with me.

I want you to pretend that life is fair. I want you to pretend that you are happy. I want you to pretend that every second of everyday isn't yet another massive disappointment, because try as you might, you can't live up to the expectations of yourself or others.

I want you to pretend that you are where you want to be, doing what you want to do. I want you to pretend that you have no vices, and that you are too strong to succumb to that kind of thing. I want you to pretend that you aren't the type of weak person that enters some form of intoxication in order to avoid dealing with reality.

I want you to pretend that you don't live and die with every basket, touchdown, or home run. I want you to pretend that music don't mean more to you than everyone else in the world, and that you cannot comprehend how people like what they do, and that every new T-Pain song doesn't kill you inside just a little bit more.

I want you to pretend that you don't miss your ex. I want you to pretend that you don't still want her to come back to you even though you really do hate her. I want you to pretend that you get along with your family and that everything works with them. I want you to pretend that you have any fucking clue about what you want to do with your life.

Or maybe it's just me who wants to pretend.

This is, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. I cannot wait for it to crash and burn into 2009 which I know in the back of my mind is going to be even worse. Later on, I'm going to recount all of my "favorite" moments from 2008. Then I'm going to jump off a bridge, or something.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I really do, but one thing is funny. Greg Popovich (Spurs head coach) has grown a full set of facial hair this year. It looks like he's become an alcoholic, unable to deal with not winning the championship last year, and all he does is drink the days away.

"Coach, how do you think you can win this game?"
"WE GOTTA...YOU KNOW....SCORE POINTS."

I find it hilarious.

Why do characters in movies get to see each other and know they love each other? Why do they get to recognize their connections immediately while the rest of us suffer through trying to build relationships?

Is there anyone out there who had an instantaneous bond with someone just after meeting them?

Am I the only one who wants this?

As you may know, the Great Spoon works at a dollar store somewhere around that random place you'd point to when you spin a globe and randomly stab your finger down on a country. Recently we have lost a lot of employees; or should I say that the amount of employees we have has fluctuated so much in the past few months that it's as if we never hired anyone new at all. I wish I had a graph. I don't so I will just throw some numbers out there...lies. I will make my own weird graph thing.

|||||||||||| - July
|||||||||| - August
||||||||||| - September
|||||||||| - October
||||||||| - November
|||||| - December

That is so completely inaccurate.

As of January it seems there will only be five of us. Our boss is leaving which makes the original team five people. There are two newbies who have been all but present. Jughead**, the most entertaining individual we've had in quite a while, is the person of topic today. Scheduled at 2:30 he showed up at 2:09 thinking he was nine minutes late. When the boss and I informed him that he was actually early he retreated to the back of the store to warm up and relax before his shift began. While in the back, he and I talked a bit about Christmas and I gave him a little present. He looked at his schedule and stood around while I counted down his drawer.

About three minutes before his shift would begin he told me that he needed to run to his car to retrieve his name tag. He's generally a forgetful guy. I forget my name tag all the time too. I said 'okay' and watched as he headed to the front of the store and out the door. After about five minutes I headed to the front of the store with his freshly counted drawer to see the big boss standing up front staring out the front window. Interesting, I said to myself. She laughed and said, "I don't know where Jughead went. He said he was going to his car to get his tag and he pulled out and left." I suggested that maybe he was getting a better parking space. "No, he was parked next to your car and now his car is gone. That is just bizarre." Indeed it was. My spot was the very first spot directly in front of the store, the closest you can get. Where on earth could he have gone?

Ten minutes later I clocked out and left. My shift was done and that's all I cared about. About two hours later I received a call from the MOD of the next shift. "Any chance you can come in tonight?" Apparently, Jughead never showed up again. He never called, never answered their calls to him; he just vanished.

We have had five or six no call/no shows that have up and quit with no warning in the past three months. As I was discussing with another key holder, you'd think that with the economy the way it is these people would stay here. Can it be that bad? And, if it is, what is so wrong with us that we are still there? It is definitely not a wonderful restaurant. I did learn my lesson though. Don't give anyone their Christmas presents until after they've put their hours in.

** Names have been changed to protect the identity of certain idiots that would not be able to protect themselves if someone went after a stupid person in their family.

I constantly hear from people that I should be nicer than I am. I don't understand why. Am I the only person that has ever been screwed over, or have the rest of you people just decided that it's okay to be treated like shit? Why not just continue to be nice and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, right? Fuck you.

I am just generally tired of idiots. I'm tired of people getting close and trying to take over your life, and trying to change who you are, and trying to make you everything you aren't. Women are notorious for that shit. I'm just waiting for the next woman to come along and view me as a project and try to change me.

I'm really not sexist, as the majority of my friends are female. I just guard myself against most women because outside of the few that I call my friends are a virtual googolplex of psychotic bitches.

Just...fuck it.

Allow me to preface the following with this...I'm drunk. So yeah.

I'm finding more and more than I have a lot of wisdom to distribute to people...backed up with actual life experience. The thing about all this wisdom is that I cannot follow it myself, so I end up giving people advice that I myself live against because in the end I can't take care of my own life first and foremost.

I really do like bad music when I drink. Along with good music, but I still like a lot of bad stuff.

I find the nature of this thing interesting. I try and try to come up with some form of cohesive content base but I always fail because in the end, I require somewhere to distribute thoughts to a broad base...and despite the fact that I know it's going nowhere, it still must be here. Worry not, loyal fan or three, the webcomic is still coming...but the comic posts will certianly be interlaced with random posts of thoughts of Fork himself.

One thing strikes me today more than any other day. We are, by nature, forced to be someone that we are not. It doesn't matter who we are...all of us are cornered into some sort of fabricated reality in which we think what others want us to think, and say what others want us to say. In the end, is that really so terrible? I think it is, but for the majority of people who merely want to fit in, is it really so bad to be forced to pretend to be a certain type of person? Most people will already morph their personality into something that others would enjoy...would it really be so bad for those people to undergo an entire personality switch? Probably not for them.

I think logic evades most people...they run on what their heart tells them to. Interestingly enough, I think that is the proper way to operate, but I am incapable of similar operation. I require logical deduction to arrive at all conclusions that lead to subsequent decision making. I wish I could follow my heart and do whatever it told me to, but I have done that before, and it lead me to nothing but heartbreak, and thus I shall not allow this type of wanton, useless, pointless decision making occur.

Despite what people say, I think that hip-hop is the most poetic of all forms of music. I speak as a hip-hop artist so I am of course biased. However, I think I could provide many lines to back up my point; but couldn't others provide several as a counter-argument? They probably could. However, many probably couldn't, and I'd win by default. Depressingly, the same could be said about those of fanship of my particular brand of music when battling someone of similar IQ who happened to be a fan of said brand of music.

I regret a lot in my past. There are so many things that I think listing them would be a huge waste of time. However, this thought brings me to a crossroads; were I to not regret said misdoings, would I in fact be the person I am today? Inexorably, the answer is no, but I still find myself wishing for the ability to correct those issues. In a past relationship, which in all honest has come to define myself as a person, sad as that may be, I may so many mistakes that I wish I could go back in time and repair what I did wrong. The funny thing is, even if I were to do that, some things the ol' ex has decided would've ended it all anyway. I know this and yet I wish I could have gone back and prolonged the relationship. If I did, I'd likely still be in pain, but despite knowing this, I still wish I was with her. I guess love matters more than pain when it's all said and done.

I'm really not in love with her anymore. I think I just miss having someone...and that alone means I'd still probably take her back.

That alone is terrible, but undeniable.

There once was a man named King Nod.
He ruled the country of Thailand.
He was born an epileptic.
He often shook without warning.
He had a servant named Patsy.
He beat Patsy regularly for laughing at his shaking.
One day Patsy asked King Nod if he would like a spinal tap.
King Nod went into an epileptic fit.
Patsy took this as a yes.
He then took a hammer and nail to King Nod's lower spine.
King Nod is now dead.

THE END.

Yet again I woke up hungover this morning, trying to figure out what damage I had done to my relationships after another night of just too much drinking. This time was actually less damaging than most, other than that tremendous post right below this one, but I thought a fun thing to do would be to go back through time and look at the things I've done while drinking that I had to apologize for the next morning.

Called my ex's mother - We were still together, but what the hell? Thank god she didn't answer, otherwise...well fuck.

Sent my ex's mother a facebook message - Again we were together, but I said we should throw her a party or something. I need to be removed from all forms of communication while drinking.

Told various women I had feelings for them - I think a lot of it is to see their reactions. Still, it's not a nice thing to do. Good thing I haven't done that to spoon otherwise she might read this and leave the site and I'd be all alone posting again.

Tried to pick a fight with some guy - I was drunk and being a dick to everyone, and while walking down the street I leaned into some guy and totally shouldered him, followed by turning around, throwing my arms out and going "WHAT?! WHAT?!" It is not a wonder that I did not sleep in bed with my then girlfriend that night.

Drove to Del Taco while on a cell phone with expired temporary plates and a worn down spare tire - This one is actually impressive. I mean come on...all those issues and I didn't get caught? I rule.

Called my ex in the middle of the night - She actually believed "I rolled over on the phone and hit redial." Dumbass.

Had phone sex while blacked out - I literally woke up the next day wondering if I had made it through. Apparently I did.

Recorded an awesome song called "Murda Fo Ya Ho" - White suburban kids doing satirical rap. Did this with a friend when I was 17. Amazing song.

Caused a toilet to overflow without anything in it - I don't know how I did this but it was amazing. My poor ex had to clean it up. I feel bad for that part.

There are of course many things I am not proud of that I did while drinking. I think I've wronged a few people and was mean a couple times and in general just wasn't great. I do wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes but I think in the end, the point is learning to live with the past, and to not make the same mistakes again. Luckily for me, the one I hurt most while drinking was also a terrible person to me, so I don't really think she deserves any apologies.

C'est la vie.

So earlier today I was all I'M GONNA DRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKK so I did. I am on my 348th beer. It's pretty tiring.

I am in love with so many actresses, but above all else, Zooey Deschanel. I want to marry her, even though she is almost 7 years older than me. So what? Like I care, fuck you. I've like, actually started referring to her as my girlfriend. You can ask my friend Rachel, I've done it so much that even she refers to her as my girlfriend. That's what's up.

So earlier I went to buy beer, and then I got some Wendy's for when I was lit up as fuck. I am lit up as fuck but I have not eaten Wendy's yet. Why? Because I am not a communist, fucker.

My friend just told me she didn't know who Fuel was. I'm like, you know Shimmer. We all do. Cuz it's like that. Fuck Fuel, seriously.

Kim knows all my favorite lines. Thank her for that.

Girl you know i like when you climb on top, love muscle feel tigheter than a headlock, and you know i love the way you make the bed rock, take me to ecstacy without takin ecstasy.

Woo!

As you can see by spoon's recent post, she does not know what to say to me. That is because spoons lack intellect, and I rule.

Please congratulate me by mailing me cakes.

The position known as cuissade, from the French cuisse, meaning thigh, is the eighth and that's all you need to know. How do you perform this you may ask? Well, I suppose I can let you in on that secret. The woman lies on her back with the man next to her. She raises the leg nearest to him and...Oh, whoops.

I can neither agree nor disagree about whether Fork's post contains truth.
That is all.

This is another one of my famous stories.


"Wow!" said little Billy on Christmas morning. "Look at all the drugs!"

"Yessir," said Tony, Billy's father. "Daddy killed lots of junkies to get you all these drugs."

There was something really fucked up about the Williams family. That was, as you have already seen, that fish hung in the wall unit. I mean really, what the shit is that fuck.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Lucy Liu came in and had sex with everyone.

So, as Billy continued to open his presents, he thought of that time where he had to battle the parentheses on Magic Mountain Mudpie Super Ride at Six Flags. Yes, those truly were the days.

Quick story break; a few hours ago, I was drinking heavily. Please excuse the fact that this story makes no fucking sense.

Bill and Tony, after several hours of raping Mad cows and swimming in the SARS pool, went out to Christmas dinner at the finest of restaurants. This restaurant had it all; meat, vegetables, and every other contortion of the food variety that you could think of. They rounded that off with the most practical and wild of drinks, all while providing a safe atmosphere. Yes, they went to Denny's.

"Can I have an egg nog?" Billy asked the waitress.

"I'm sorry Billy, but we don't have any left! How about a random murder?" The waitress then shot Tony in the face.

"Oh boy!" said Billy. "This is so exciting!"

Jim Carrey had to agree. But Billy Zane didn't, which pissed me off, so I threw him out on his ass.

So, as Billy, not Billy Zane, as I so casually used a name twice, went home, he though about Tony, and how that punkass had died. Billy decided that he should stop into the local strip club and check how much money he had made.

But oh no! It was closed by the Wichita police, which was strange, because Billy lived in Chernobyl. Then, while walking, some nuclear rods that were left from the 80's exploded, and everyone died.

So, now that I killed all my characters, as I so frequently do, I'll introduce a new character; Leaf Star Moon Sunshine.

Leaf Star Moon Sunshine was the child of vegans, so I shot her in the face.

Then, Billy and Leaf Star Moon Sunshine were both in hell, and they had to battle to the death. But, luckily, they were both dead, so they had to battle to the life.

Billy started with a roundhouse kick, but I decided the scene was boring and fell asleep. Then I woke up, and it was the playboy channel. And surprise! Lucy Liu was back!

So, after some more time, I found out that Billy had won the fight and had come back to life. But now he lived in Mongolia, in a large sewage pipe. Which was constantly flowing. He wanted to move, but wasn't sure if he could live a lifestyle above his current one, which really had so much glamour.

Then Bob from my other stories, a character I actually like, came in and killed Billy by nuking the world. He then took over my story by giving a speech.

"I'd like everyone to remember that Italic food is wonderful." Bob couldn't say Italian. "Please don't-hey, pop tarts!" Then Bob ran out of my story, and I didn't have shit to talk about.

Then an evil warlord came about. "Vengeance will be mine!" But Billy Zane came and whipped his ass, thus earning my respect.

But then I threw has ass back in the fucking street. Can't touch me.

Keep in mind first and foremost, I only capitalized it that time because it was the first word in the title.

I would like to say that in spoon's previous post, she made some very excellent points and disproved a few of my points, meaning that we were equals. I'd like to say that she is a very intelligent person and that she will always have a special place in my heart, because our friendship is unshakeable. I'd like to say that Forks and spoons will from here on out live in harmony, able to recognize each other's weaknesses and strengths, and play to both.

I'd also like a blowjob from Zooey Deschanel while Kim Kardashian shook her ass right in front of me, so I'm pretty sure that all of those ideas can go fuck themselves.

All spoon has done in her post is effectively proven that she will go out of her way to find a new sexual position to suggest to me. Did you read any of the rest of that? I mean, what am I supposed to do, waste all the CPU cycles on my $1200 computer reading some long ass post about how spoons are so nice? COME ON.

Nothing less than pure controversey has engulfed this once great literary site since I made the obvious mistake of bringing spoon up from underneath my desk to the position of writer. Was I the one who wrote the poem that started this whole thing? No, I am not, so while spoon may contend that I and all other Forks are cocky, keep in mind that we are on the defensive here as spoon has decided that she is so good that she doesn't need to be around the likes of the rest of us.

It is a racial issue, plain and simple. Forks have always been racially tolerant of spoons. The spork, after all, was our idea. The spoons shunned us for this plan however, always wanting to be the first and only, never wanting Forks to share the same drawer. This is why in the 1950's all our parents had a spoon drawer and a Fork drawer; we were being discriminated against.

I am one of the first Forks to be able to run his own literary based media sites. I broke the barrier on this, and not only did I do that, but I invited a spoon to come along with me. I invited a member of the very race that would have thought to enslave me to be my partner, to venture into parts unknown; to create the kind of website that makes all utensils say, "Hey, that's the kind of place I'd like to visit." But can I do that? No, because spoon is doing her best to undermine me and take over.

Well sorry spoon, your attempts to be the alpha-utensil on this site are in vain. My dear friend Rum, born of a race not subject to this racial cruelty, will never allow such an awful takeover to occur. Nay, this site will belong to the likes of us, the racially tolerant, intelligent, and generally plain fantastic people that we are for all time. You, spoon, will just have to learn to deal with it.

I would offer you a truce, but like a dead dove in the freezer, I just don't know what to do with you. I suppose that I should realize that as a spoon, you have one natural, undeniable purpose. Target practice.

Why don't you take off the ol' spoon cover and let daddy show you what we use the prongs for?

It's too bad that Fork is not as intelligent as I am. He apparently thinks that I can sit here and stare at the screen while my thoughts appear automatically. Far be it from me that I might disvalue a compliment such as that(it takes quite a bit of talent to just sit there and let technology do all of the work for you), but I do believe that the magic needed for that does not exist. That's right. I am mortal and I typed up my previous three posts. Don't feel too downhearted, Fork. It will be okay.

As you can see by reading Forks few posts that are aimed at me, forks clearly have no class. Spoons, on the other hand, are very courteous, and I will prove that by continuing to capitalize Fork, as I have respect for all fellow utensils.

Moving right along, yes, I am hormonal seeing as I'm five months along in this pregnancy. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. It appears forks have no ears; this does not surprise me, especially if forks are male as Fork claims them to be. Onward! Suddenly Fork has a problem with cradling? Pardon me, but it is only natural to be nurtured by someone. As pleasant as it is to be stabbed in the heart repeatedly by forks, it's nice to be held nicely every once in a while. You have to decide if you want the boyish fork or the manly spoon. I know which one I'd choose.

As much as you have a few good points, you also seem to be misinformed.

- You can stab children with spoons just as easily as you can stab them with forks, you just need to have the right kind. I know this because I have stabbed many a child in my day with spoons. Also, if that's what you call ruining a lawn then you must have an animal proof lawn that you never mow. Very nice.

- Again, you could easily eat a steak with a spoon. You can also be a man about it and use your hands, as god intended. Stew, a mans food, cannot be eaten with a fork. Pudding, mans best dessert, cannot be eaten with a fork. Snow, mans best form of precipitation, cannot be shoveled properly with a fork. A spoon could easily pull any of this off.

- If I were ever in a situation where a person was stupid enough to park that close to my car, I could easily assume it was a fork, and, being the strong spoon I am(spoons have full bodies which gives them much upper strength while forks have prongs which splits the strength and, in turn, makes them weaker), I would pick the car up and move it myself. No need to damage the property of others. However, I would then place wooden blocks behind their front tires and watch to see how long it takes them to figure out why their car won't move. Silly forks, tricks are for spoons. When it pours, spoons reign.

- If you weren't yet aware, there is a sex position called 'Sexual Spoons'. As Wikiwiki states, "In the sexual spoons position, the penetrative partner lies on their side, with their knees bent. The receptive partner lies on their side, with their back pressed against the penetrative partner's front. It may be used for vaginal or anal penetration." If that doesn't release sexually-based chemicals into the brain I'd be quite surprised. Furthermore, this position allows spoons to easily live through a sexual experience with a fork as the 'spoonee' would not have to look into the face of the 'spooner'.

Did I mention that spoons are not incredibly full of themselves? They hold just enough pride to stand tall. Forks, however, stick themselves into the ground and talk out of their asses.

Bring it on, Fork.

In a previous post I likened Forks to men and spoons to women (spoon will no longer be capitalized as they are not deserving of my use of the shift key). Our newly hired second blogger took offense to that and tried to point out the many ways in which spoons are "better" then Forks.

Sounds to me like I hurt your feelings, spoon. Are you hormonal? Are you on your period? I am sorry for offending you, I'll be sure not to mention anything in the future for fear that it might send you into a blinding rage and launch you into early menopause complemented by the sudden drop of your uterus on the street corner you undoubtedly make your living on.

Forks are easily the greatest utensil ever. While many foods may evade a spoon's mere attempts to cradle them, a Fork will reach right through the motherfucker and get it done. The practical application of a Fork is much greater than that of a spoon. Let's take a look at a few real life examples of situations where a spoon will not cut it:

1) The neighbor's child is running around on your front lawn, picking up grass and peeing in various places. If you have a Fork handy, you can stab the bastard in the heart and take him back to his parents for his burial. If you have a spoon handy, you can use it to catch your tears as your front lawn is ruined.

2) You are going to eat a meal. If you have a Fork handy, you can indulge yourself in a delicious, juicy steak. If you have a spoon handy, you can eat soup, and soup is for faggots and everyone will hate you (note: I am not homophobic, I just love the word faggot as an insult).

3) You discover that someone has parked their car very closely to yours, rendering you unable to enter on the driver's side. You have to climb in the passenger side and somehow shift into the driver's seat. With a Fork, you can first scratch the shit out of the paint job on the enemy's car, then slash his tires. With a spoon, you can eat your fucking soup, faggot.

4) You are making out with the person you just hired to write on your blog. If you spoon her, there will be no sexually-based brain chemicals released. If you Fork her, she will have to shut up because she won't be able to make a logical argument while going, "Oh god, oh yes, oh god yes."

These reasons are all proof positive that Forks are better than spoons, that I am a better writer than spoon, and that all people like me more than they like themselves. I am also funnier and have better taste in music, movies, and television than spoon.

I win.

I would like to make it known that Fork over there is sexist. No where did I specify that all spoons are female. In fact, the majority of spoons are actually male, so perhaps he is then suggesting that male spoons are gay? Does that then make him homophobic? I think so. However, that I am aware of, gay men don't bleed for five days once a month. Shame on you, Fork. That is just terrible. I'd also like to inform Fork, and the rest of the male readers, that periods occur twenty eight days apart and usually last three to five days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. As for the emotions, we cannot possibly control our hormones so suck it. Just because we feel more often then you do does not mean we should hide it! Unless you will do us the favor of hiding your face. Maybe then we can compromise.

You think forks are better at everything? Puh-lease. I have never seen a fork melt ice. I have never seen a fork open a desk drawer. I have never seen a fork drive a car. I have never seen a fork build an igloo. I have never seen a fork eat another fork. I have never seen a fork fly a kite. I have never seen a fork create a universe. I have never seen a fork pick up an ant by one of it's antennae without breaking it off. I have never seen a fork write a poem about other forks. I do dare say that there is no way forks are better than spoons.

And now you say that forks are more aggressive than spoons. You're right, but I will tell you why. I was once attacked by a person holding a fork and it was a very unpleasant experience. The person went straight for my eye and boy did I get it! Four prongs straight through my cornea. It was a lobster fork, in case you were wondering how four prongs managed to hit such a small target. In any case, the perpetrator continued by scraping out my eyeball with the prongs and they left quite a mess. It was nasty.

Here is my point.

The next day I tracked down the perp to give them a taste of their own medicine. Instead of a fork I used a spoon, with which I scooped their eyeball on in order to neatly put it on display for a silent auction. With the eye on a nice platter, intact, dripping with its own succulent juices, atop a pile of beautiful greens, I was able to pocket about $4,500, cash. (COME ON!) At least spoons can bring you a profit. I'd like to see a fork do that. Unfortunately I never will because it simply cannot happen. Even if we are a cuddly type, you know you like it.

I understand that you're outraged by the fact that the Great and Powerful Spoon is here and will probably become more popular, but that is not reason enough to create poor attacks at such wonderful utensils. I was going to share the top with you but I may now need to reconsider! And now that I've made myself queasy I will leave.

Spoon wrote a post about how much she loves Spoons, and it was capitalized with some lameass poem. She says she is glad she isn't a fork. Believe me, we're glad too, and here's why:

-Forks don't bleed for five days once a month
-Forks don't change emotions every two seconds, causing every utensil around them to say wtf
-Forks are better at everything
-Forks are aggressive and stab, while Spoons merely suggest that you follow them with their hugging style

That's really all that matters. Spoon sucks.

Well well, what have we here? An empty post box and apparently nothing interesting to fill it yet. Normally I would sit here and babble until something good actually came of it, but, instead, I will post my testament to spoons. It illustrates both my obsession and undying love for their little round faces and long, variously shaped tails.

Ode To My Spoons

They sit there on the table,
In a cup all together,
Squished by the manifolds
Of others just like them,
Reflecting the sky outside.
Their funny form of a
Blossoming orchid.
My spoons are many.
Some plastic, some metal,
Some half fork on the
Father's side.
The plastic ones white,
Pure as fresh snowfall.
The metal ones shining,
Full of tarnish stains.
The Spork's tortured
By their father's actions.
But they aid me always
Whether I'm digging into sand
Or digging into Jell-O.
They are in numbers,
Not only two or three.
My spoons wait for me.
They know I will come.
One after another I pluck
Them from Death,
From the death of the garbage can.
I take one a day,
Sometimes two or three
If my purse is empty.
And my spoons are happy.
They smile with their
Round edges and
Long noses,
Only one thought in
Their plastic selves.
I'm glad I'm not a fork!

Obviously the best poem ever written, and because of that I won a medal. That's right. Critics Choice Award. I have also been told that both the surface meaning and the deeper meaning are likable...however, I will tell you now that there is no deep meaning to this poem. It is solely about spoons and how wonderful they are.

All of that being said, thank you, oh wise Fork, for granting me the opportunity to infiltrate the minds and dreams of all the little children. With that I say good night!

Friends, hours ago I told you I would bring someone on board, and I have fulfilled that promise. Introducing The Great Spoon! In addition to writing ridiculous posts like myself, Spoon will be illustrating our upcoming web comic. In order to give you a glimpse of who Spoon is, I have interviewed her. Following is the transcript:


Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
so, why did you join rumfork.com

Kellizaber says:
I was forced by a group of native americans

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
did they make you their tribal princess

Kellizaber says:
No, they tried to make me get their firewood

Kellizaber says:
I'll tell you exactly what I told them

Kellizaber says:
Squaw no gettum firewood! Squaw go home!

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
that is wonderful racism that all rumfork readers will enjoy

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what do you think you will bring to our fabulous rumfork.com?

Kellizaber says:
lol

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
or do you not intend to answer that

Kellizaber says:
I'm thinking

Kellizaber says:
Hold your horses

Kellizaber says:
I'd like to give them some insight on what retail is like today while also bringing them some humor and possibly some extra cheese knowledge that they wouldn't be able to get elsewhere

Kellizaber says:
Some drawings perhaps

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what do you think about horse sex

Kellizaber says:
Hot damn, get me some of that

Kellizaber says:
Although I find elephants make better partners

Kellizaber says:
It's like a fifth leg

Kellizaber says:
Or maybe that was a fifth leg; that would explain the strange shape

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
slutty thong, or long underwear covered by wet suit covered by dollar general smock?

Kellizaber says:
Slutty thong covered by smock actually

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
do you hate the movie twilight as much as i do

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
to clarify i have not seen it

Kellizaber says:
I do, mostly for the acting but also for the bloopers and terrible music

Kellizaber says:
And partially for the terrible portrayal of vampires

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
but you'd nail that kristin stewart girl right

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
because i would

Kellizaber says:
If she could possible make a different facial expression I might

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
who are you more attracted to: kim kardashian, or chris farley

Kellizaber says:
One minute while I google the faces of these unknown

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
GOOGLE IS A TRADEMARK OF GOOGLE INC THANK YOU INTERNET

Kellizaber says:
Oh right, just one unknown

Kellizaber says:
lol

Kellizaber says:
My mistake

Kellizaber says:
I used Kellizaber.com instead

Kellizaber says:
Better anyway

Kellizaber says:
Hmm...This is a tough one

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
RUMFORK.COM DOES NOT NECESSARILY SUPPORT THE VIEWS OF SPOON OR HER AFFILIATES

Kellizaber says:
I'm going to go with Chris Farley

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
do you prefer to masturbate with your right hand, or the cast off candlesticks of 1970s suburban america

Kellizaber says:
Anything is better than using my right hand, so the latter

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what is your greatest attribute?

Kellizaber says:
My knack for being prepared

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what are you currently prepared for

Kellizaber says:
Scarcity of aluminum, plastic bags, spoons, and four month long movie marathons

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
thank you for your time, Spoon, one last question

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what are you wearing

Kellizaber says:
Nothing, as usual



So there it is! As you can see, Spoon is quite ready to be a part of this website. You can expect a lot more fantastic features such as this one. Be sure to tell everyone you know that there are now TWO insane people who masturbate while they post writing for this website!

I really can't continue to just post random shit if I want this site to go anywhere, and unique visitors whore that I am, I'll be editing the site and coming up with a set of streamlined features that will be readily available on this site.

As far as layout goes, I'm not entirely sure. I may be changing it, I may not. However, I intend to streamline the content here down to three basic categories:

- My rants/thoughts on all things you don't care about
- Insane stories I have written/will write
- A yet to be introduced webcomic

This means the discontinuation of NFL picks and whatnot as they are largely unrelated. In the future I may add some sort of reviews for music or something...I'm not sure. But for the moment, these are the features that this site will be focused on.

As I am retarded in the ways of drawing, I'll be bringing a friend onboard to do so. She will also probably be posting things on the site, so not everything from here on out will be from me. In addition to all of this, I'm still hoping Rum will return to the fold eventually.

So...that's all for now. If you come here again and everything is different, that's me trying to make a decent website. I'll probably fail.

The universe is conspiring against me and I am unable to defend myself.

Another story from when I was 16:

"Whoa whoa whoa kimosabe!" The Cash Money Records music blasted out of Antwain's stereo. "Big big big ballin' is mah hobby!"

Antwain's friend Joe was annoyed. "Man, turn that shit off. Play some punk!"

Antwain didn't like this statement, so he stopped the car, and threw Joe out. Normally, this wouldn't have been that bad, except that they were driving over an active volcano using a flying car. So Joe died. Then, Antwain landed outside the volcano, and got another friend out of the trunk of his car, one who liked rap. This guy's name was Bruce.

Antwain and Bruce flew along over the Pacific Ocean, minding their own business, eating sandwiches from some gas station back in Wyoming. Suddenly, Bruce had a good idea.

"Hey! Let's put the top down!"

"Fantastic idea!" Antwain put the top down, and Bruce's hat flew off.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming!" Then Amelia Earhart's plane came out of nowhere and cut his head off. Antwain pushed the rest of his body out of the car.

"Bet you didn't see that coming either!" And indeed, Bruce hadn't seen it coming.

Antwain pulled another friend out of the glove compartment. This friend was a good one because he was always drunk. Why this is good I don't know, but it's far better than the former twist in the story.

"I love you man." The drunken fool always expressed his love. "I love this car. I love this air. I love this seat. I love everything!" Antwain got tired of that and put him back in the glove box.

Then, suddenly, flying ninjas came out of nowhere and started throwing Chinese throwing stars at the car. Antwain folded the car up and put it in his wallet, then started throwing toothpicks at the ninjas.

"Hah! Hiya! Ho! Hi! Hehah! Hiyaho!" Antwain was fluent in random fighting sounds.
Then, the ninjas all changed into Jiggalypuff Pokemon and ate cotton candy, as opposed to throwing Chinese stars. So Antwain sat down on a lawnchair that happened to be there, and decided to drink the lemonade that some girl in a bikini handed him.

As he drank, and watched the Pokemon eat cotton candy, he thought back to the time when he and Pikachu went barhopping, and picked up that stripper from Cancun. Those were good times.

"I know what you're thinking," said Bruce Willis. "You're thinking, 'What the hell is Bruce Willis doing here?' Well, I must say, I agree. What am I doing here?" Bruce Willis disappeared.

Antwain then picked up a sword and stabbed all the Pokemon. He then reached for the car in his wallet, but accidentally grabbed a condom, but decided it was ok and flew around in that.

He flew around New York City going "Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" But in New York they were having the Thanksgiving Day parade, and no one noticed, until the giant flying condom flew into the big Vagisil cream float. This had interesting implications that I don't want to go into, so Antwain flew off before anyone could catch him.

As he flew over the world, Antwain decided that he didn't really like Arkansas, so he decided to crash the condom into it and see what happened.

What sucked about it is that people thought it was a comet that plunged into a hole in the earth and caused a huge fucking explosion and not a condom. So people didn't really see the hilarity. Get it? A giant condom came down and plunged into a hole in the earth and exploded. HAHAHAH.

When I used to google rumfork, we were first on the list. Now it asks you if you meant "rumford" again (took a couple months to get past that originally) and then after you skip down to Rumfork we're like fourth on the list.

UNACCEPTABLE. I hereby declare WTFery and intend to go to google headquarters, sit outside, and throw water balloons at them. They'll get it then the bastards.

Seriously I need some features. Fork@rumfork.com is you have any ideas.

Well, it's about that time of the year again for us college students: the time when we finish finals and wait around, sometimes nervously, for our final grades to be posted. Some of us know we did everything as well as possible and that there is nothing to be concerned about. Some of us are very worried, needing a particular grade to keep the 'ol GPA up and not get kicked out. Me? I'm kind of different.

I put in about 6 minutes of work outside of class this semester. I didn't really take notes, I didn't really read the books, I didn't really do all the homework...and yet I am going to have a 4.0. Now, I know I am not the only person to do something like this (and believe me, helping me obtain this 4.0 is the fact that my math-for-morons class does not count towards my GPA), but I do wonder if it bothers other people when people like me so obviously coast by, while they have to work.

I suppose they could view the potential poetic justice. I may coast by and get my grades, and then fail in the workforce, while Johnny Doeshismath will prove himself worth to his employer and become a cruicial cog of the American Industries. I've always wondered about the relative use of someone who is incredibly intelligent but lazy, vs. someone who is not that intelligent but works incredibly hard.

Take this semester. By nature of me not being in school for years, I got placed in the aforementioned Dumbass Math class and as an additive to this was forced to attend a so-called "math lab" for 25 hours over the semester in order to gain tutoring and whatnot. There was also an optional software that came with our books that allowed us to do the math lab work online.

I spent a grand total of 3 hours in the actual math lab all semester and then came down to the final night with 22 hours to get done. I certainly could not go for 22 hours as it was due the next day. So, I downloaded two extra web browsers, opened up the online math lab in each one at the same time, did the homework very poorly (like 50% poorly), and let them sit for hours. Thus every hour I earned doing this was worth 3. I did this enough to get just over 22 hours and then I turned it in. Yesterday I learned I had in fact passed the course.

What's amazing to me is that the hours I turned in were timestamped. As in, they could see I did all this "work" at the same time and that I was triple charging the hours, if you will, and yet they didn't do anything about it. It's genius. I intend to share my method with anyone who would like to hear it so that other people will not be forced through the embarrassment of the mathlab.

Another thing that happened was my history class. I missed about half the classes, barely took notes, didn't read, and yet I got an A. How? Memorizing the quiz questions, and an open book/open note final. Seriously? Open book? That shit is great.

My other grades are yet to come, but I still find this concept interesting. Maybe I'm really good at figuring out ways to avoid following the system, but what does that translate to in reality? I have been in the work force and let me tell you, it ain't pretty when I am. I can't wrap my head around the idea of being just another drone inside a corporate giant. Mind you, I am not against corporate America, or people being drones; I am against being one of them myself.

I suppose in the end, most people would rather have the dilligent, nonstop laborer working for them than someone like me. Sure, in crunch time, I may be able to produce a great report in mere hours, but can you always count on someone like that?

I mean...you can't count on me. Shit man, I've got things to do. Like hunt me some womenz!

Here we go!

Lock Picks

Redskins at Bengals - Chad Uno continues his quest to be 1-15 and still somehow not be the worst team in football.

Lock Pick - Redskins

49ers at Dolphins - The 49ers surprised everyone by beating the Jets at home this weekend. Certainly they have a chance in Miami, right? No.

Lock Pick - Dolphins

Lions at Colts - Please understand that I singlehandedly could score more points against the Colts than the Lions are going to.

Lock Pick - Colts

Browns at Eagles - Here's a few words your franchise should never have to hear: "Starting at Quarterback, Ken Dorsey!"

Lock Pick - Eagles

The Remaaaiiinnderrrr

Saints at Bears - While I feel in many ways that the Saints may be a more complete team this season, and both teams really need this game...I just don't see New Orleans going into Soldier Field in December and putting up the points needed to win. Bush is hurt, the potential diuretic suspensions are on several players on the Saints minds...I just don't see it.

PICK - Bears

Bucs at Falcons - The NFC South is the best division in football right now. I don't see either of these teams losing two games straight being very likely, but unfortunately, one of them has to. Both teams have been great in all aspects, but like last week with the Bucs and Panthers, it's the home team that gets it.

PICK - Falcons

Titans at Texans - While divisional battles are always hard fought games, Houston has yet again not lived up to the hype. Home or not, they aren't going to beat the Titans.

PICK - Titans

Packers at Jaguars - This game is hard to pick because both teams are phenomenal choke artists. What it boils down to? Which team is an absolute joke on both sides of the ball. Oh! I know!

PICK - Packers

Seahawks at Rams - This game would have mattered two years ago.

PICK - Seahawks

Bills at Jets - I want the Jets to lose. Part of me feels like the Jets won't lose. Both teams have been bad recently. Brett Favre is looking like...Brett Favre. Call it an upset pick, I really don't see the Bills not taking this opportunity to cause some hurt to a hated rival.

PICK - Bills

Chargers at Chiefs - The last game between these two ended in disappointment. The Chiefs went for two to win instead of tie. They didn't get it. Right now, San Diego still has a shot at the playoffs if they win out and the Broncos lose out. I think they will take care of business on the road.

PICK - Chargers

Vikings at Cardinals - This is going to be one hell of a football game. Arizona's passing attack vs. Minnesota's rushing attack. I don't think either one can stop the other. Despite their propensity to prove me wrong recently, I like the Cardinals at home in a shootout, making the NFC North very interesting once again.

PICK - Cardinals

Steelers at Ravens - This is a battle of two great defenses, one boring offense and one way overrated offense. This is one of those games thats like 10-7, or something. I have been thinking Steelers all week, but Vegas has this at -2 Baltimore, and that got me thinking; how the hell are the Steelers going to move the ball against the Ravens? Willie Parker hasn't looked that great recently. Big Ben has looked great against the Ravens in his career...this is a tough one. Let's roll with the home team and Vegas, folks.

PICK - Ravens

Broncos at Panthers - The Broncos starting halfback (their 7th starting halfback this season) was selling cell phones in a local mall a month ago. He is fast as hell, but has fumbling problems. Ball, say hello to ground in Carolina.

PICK - Panthers

Patriots at Radiers - Under normal situations, this would be a lock pick, but Matt Cassel's father died this week. Even if he does return to start, he may be ineffective and we may see Kevin O'Connell; this could be troublesome. The good news? They're playing the fucking Raiders.

PICK - Patriots

Giants at Cowboys - Without Plaxico Burress, the Giants couldn't get a damn thing done last week. The Cowboys have just plain looked bad recently. The rushing attack of the Giants combined with the lack of rushing attack of the Cowboys equals a road win.

PICK - Giants

In addition to my Craigslist whoring and constant telling people to come to this site and tell everyone they know, I made a Facebook group for this...website. Because I have enjoyed making lists that start with bold lettering lately, I have decided to make another. About what you might say? About the ways I am going to continue to promote this website like the shameless prick that I am:

Something to do with Myspace - I don't know if you can have like...Myspace groups or something, but I should head over there and spam people's inboxes. Just kidding, I hate Myspace and I'd rather have no readers than advertise on that cunttastic website. That's right, cunttastic. With two t's.

Hand out the web address at school - When people go to school, what do they want? They want to be spammed! So I am going to harass people constantly. In the student union? You bet. In class? Damn straight. In the women's bathroom? You know I'll be there, shouting, yelling, and begging women to visit my site.

Tell people in jail - I just said I was going to be in the women's bathroom, where the hell did you think I would go next?

At Phoenix Suns games I'll go see my favorite team and get my ad up on the jumbotr- HOLY GOD WE TRADED BELL AND DIAW AND SINGLETARY FOR JASON RICHARDSON AND JARED DUDLEY AND A 2010 PICK WHAT THE HELL

At New England Patriots games - Tom Brady may be out, but Rumfork.com is still up! Patriots fans will know this when I am somehow still the most obnoxious fan in the stadium. Believe me, in New England, that is not easy.

Light myself on fire like a religious zealot - I will sit down, pour gas on myself, and light myself the fuck on fire while a band around me plays the Rumfork.com theme song.

Write a Rumfork.com themesong - I'll need to do this one before the last one.

Have sex with a celebrity and then talk about Rumfork in my ensuing media interview - Step one: get rich so I can sleep with a celebrity. Technically, it doesn't have to be a hot celebrity. Britney Spears? Big shock. Amy Winehouse? INTERVIEWS.

Finally finish my hip-hop CD - As a white rappers, I have a duty to finish this thing. But I still haven't. When it comes out I should sell it on Rumfork and advertise it in the CD cover. That'd be sweet. Then Rumfork would have two purposes: retarded posts, and CD sales.

Start selling merchandise - This is a good idea if we had more people than we currently do. Although the Craigslist post worked surprisingly well, that doesnt necessarily translate to repeat readers, and until we've got that, merchandise only costs me money. You don't want to cost me money, do you? Fuck you then.

I hate Sasha Vujacic - That doesn't really count as something I'm going to do to help the website, but he hit a 3 at the buzzer last year when his team had comfortably won to cost me money because I had bet the spread on a Spurs game. I hope he dies.

So over all, I think these are all very good plans. Failing that, you can still tell all your friends. And come everyday. And tell your friends to come everyday.

On a side note, my condolences to Matt Cassel. His father Greg died earlier this week. Hopefully he is able to deal with this, and it's really too bad that his father wasn't able to see him continue on to the obviously great career he is building, in New England and wherever else he may play in the future.

It's not known if Cassel will start this week; if not, Kevin O'Connell will step in. Matt Gutierrez is the last QB on the roster, and likely would only play if O'Connell struggled to an incredible level.

Tell your friends about Rumfork!

What with the major success this website is having (9 unique visitors per day on average, that is slightly less popular than the least popular site on the internet), all I can say is that you should tell your friends about this site. Why, you might ask. As you may have guessed, I have a list of reasons:

I know where you live - Think about that for a few minutes. Do you want to wake in bed with the screen of your laptop cut off, covered in cables? No, you don't.

NFL Picks were 12-3 this week - Seriously, if I had got the post up in time, 13-3. Do you know who else picks NFL games with that kind of accuracy? The best ESPN analysts. The difference? I'm not a douchebag.

I am insane - I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS. Need I say more?

I find you very attractive - And since you were dumped recently, isn't this important? I like your body, and honestly, I don't think you need to lose weight. You're beautiful as you are. I think you and I should grab dinner and a movie sometime.

I once had sex with a camel - How many bloggers can boast that?

I have masturbated to the Paris Hilton sextape several times - That kind of experience is not common on your average blog. I have a documented history of doing important things and telling you about them, like when I was the first to report that Heather owns three bottles of Sprite.

It snowed yesterday - History tells us that when it snows, you should read rumfork.com.

All the cool people are doing it - Typically, Cool People are a very small group. That's why so few people have read this site. If you read it continually, and get others to read it, you will be cool too.

I have 19 spoons - I think that speaks for itself.

I will never make you cry - Whoops, this was supposed to go in my dating ad on pleaselovemeeventhoughimfat.com

There you have it. Proof that this is the most important site on the internet. Tell your friends, or I will cry in my sleep and then come to your house and eat your chicken.

First week: 11-5
Second week: 7-9
Third week: 12-3

Proving last week to be an aberration, I have returned to dominate. One game short on picks this week because I didn't post before the Thursday night game, but I would have picked the Chargers anyway so suck it (but I still won't count it). Here's the special part: in my second week of lock picks, I go 5-0, bringing the total to 8-0. You can absolutely take my locks to the bank.

Among my losses were two happy ones; both the Jets and the Giants lost to inferior teams today. I am happy to accept those losses.

This was a pretty badass week. I was just about unbeatable. If I hadn't been a lazy dumbass, and posted before the Chargers game, it would have been 13-3. That aside, this was a pretty great week in football.

I'll be sure to actually get the picks up for ALLLLL the games this week. No more "if only I had." I also think, since the basketball season is wiiiiinding down, I'm gonna start posting a few basketball picks. Those are obviously more difficult, with multiple games per day and teams playing multiple times per week, but I'll come up with a system and get it going here within the next few days.

Get your money and bet my picks, because I am ON FIRE.

WHAT?

I once ran for student counsel. I did not win, because I did not secure the core 5th grade vote: those in favor of expulsion of those without pokemon cards.

Distressed with my loss of political office to a purely media based caused, I enlisted a female friend of mine to be my new campiagn manager for the new political party I was forming, the Rule Really Hard and You Suck party. We ran on one platform, with one plank: I'm really cool, and you suck.

My female friend did a very good job of winning over the children (she got some creepy guy to give them candy from a van) and it seemed that my 11 year old friend had in fact gained enough crayon signatures for a referendum.

When we found out there would be a new election, we went out and celebrated with several juice boxes. Then, suddenly I was 25 and I couldn't remember what had happened but I was sitting there drinking juice boxes with my female friend.

I was all, hey, nice rack, and she said thanks and put down her spice rack so that we could put some pepper on our sandwiches. Then it was new orleans and I saw like 9 breasts because this woman who had breast cancer in one boob had it removed. It was cool.

So my female friend and I decided to get married. So we worked on wedding plans, but didnt agree on anything. She wanted a 7 piece orchestral band, and I wanted to hang myself instead of getting married. She wanted grilled chicken in a lemon glaze and I wanted Del Taco cheeseburgers. So nothing really was working.

So we decided to elope instead, but the problem was that neither of us knew what eloping met. We compromised and ate some cantalope instead, while riding a jackalope.

then we were living together for 7 years so we were common law married, and she moved out and took half my stuff. but all of my stuff was on fire so that sucks for her because then she was on fire.

so, as you could guess, we live together now, happy ever after. we are worried about the student counsel election coming up though because that fucking mormon kid made rice krispy squares.

FOUR SCORE AND 7 YEARS AGO I SERIOUSLY FUCKED A PORN STAR

THIS SITE IS A CROSS-SECTION OF AMERICA

HEATHER OWNS THREE BOTTLES OF SPRITE

I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS

Some of my favorite lines in Hip-Hop...

"I put a hole right in your chest, stick a knife in your soul and take your life after takin' your death."

"Anytime it comes to showin' it runs the show when it comes to flowin', I go and becomes the poet."

"Y'all niggaz know where my heat stay at, I leave niggaz M-I-A and I ain't talkin' where the heat play at."

"The only way I'd get blue balls is if a bitch had blue lipstick."

"I don't need 50 cent, my niggaz make collect calls."

"I might never sell that much, but you can bet your last two quarters I'd never tell that much."

"I send a clip to your mouth, back of the gun to your nose, front of the gun to your clothes, I let it rip and I bounce."

"Systematic global geographic systemic neosynapses, reload the graphics, notice I spit it rapid."

"I should leave this rap shit alone, and kick my incredible rhymes in the privacy of my own home."

"Never mattered to him that art galleries hated him, 'cause Thomas Kinkade called and said he would take ten complete enigmas, wrapped in puzzles, encrypted in language, with sound but without shape or signature."

I'll add more to the top as time goes on and raise the post to the top of the list.

I got drunk last night and posted this on Craigslist:

"lets fuckin date and shit - 22 (lakewood)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-948195490@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-06, 11:18PM MST

i bet you are awesome. you know what else is awesome? me. do you know why? because i am druuuunnnk. i bet you are druuuunnnk too cuz its saturday. people like to drink on saturday, am i right? fuckin right i am.

you know what i like? i like curvy girls with big asses. i am obsessed with that. skinny chicks with no body and A cups should just fuck off, okay?

you know what else? im fucking overweight, okay? im not some fucking ripped bitch who spends all his time combing his hair trying to compare himself to a fucking abercrombie ad. i do not now and never have worn hollister lame ass shit, and if you like the kind of guys who wear that shit, which, by the way is made for women and if you disagree with me you are wrong, and...to make the point i was trying to make, i never will.

i like video games, sports, cigars, drinking, and gambling. dont like it? great, dont fucking email me. you know what i want? i want someone who is fucking real, who recognizes that no one is fucking perfect, and that all we can do as people is try to adjust what we do within our own comfort zone to make our significant others' happy.

if you think this is ad is ridiculous, don't even e-mail me; you're too stupid to see reality anyway. intelligent women are all i want to hear from. men have been fucking narrowed down and discriminated to shit on this site by you women who post ads; guess what, it's time for the reverse. no uptight, annoying, unitelligent, hollister wearing, killers listening, paris hilton obsessing bitches need apply.

fuck you. if you think this is funny, email me."

Best. Post. Ever.

Week 12 was good. Week 13 was bad. Let's hope for the former. As previously mentioned, since I did not get these up in time for the Chargers-Radiers game, that will be left out (despite the fact that I would have picked the Chargers). To the picks:

Lock Picks (3-0 so far)

Vikings at Lions - An NFL judge this week blocked the Suspensions of Kevin and Pat Williams, among others. What does that mean for this game? The Lions are fucked.

PICK - Vikings

Bengals at Colts - Hey, Chad Ocho Cinco - you should change your name to Chad Uno. Why? That's the number of wins you'll have this season.

PICK - Colts

Browns at Titans - The top two Browns quarterbacks are done for the year. Their special teams return man wants a shot. Other than that, they have Ken Dorsey, who has a phenomenal career QB rating of 63.5. Cue the Jeff George jokes.

PICK - Titans

Patriots at Seahawks - The Seahawks are the best 2-10 team in the NFL!

PICK - Patriots

Rams at Cardinals - For two weeks this year, the Rams were dominating, getting it done on both ends of the field, and winning games. It happened right after Scott Linehan was fired. Time to fire Jim Haslett and hope for the same effect.

PICK - Cardinals

Regular Ol' Picks

Jaguars at Bears - Chicago is fighting for their playoff lives, and the light is starting to fade. Jacksonville sucks. I am still laughing and talking about how right I was about that $60 million David Garrard contract. Suck it, Del Rio.

PICK - Bears

Eagles at Giants - While I hate the Giants and still believe them to be overrated, there is one true fact about the Eagles that outshines all of my disdain for all New York sports franchies - they cannot win a damn game they need, ever.

PICK - Giants

Falcons at Saints - Drew Brees is unstoppable, but the Saints still struggle to win games. The Falcons have been fantastic all year. This is an absolutely tough one to call as I believe the Falcons are the better team, but I have the feeling that the Saints pull this one out at home. Call it a gut instinct.

PICK - Saints

Texans at Packers - It's the battle of two of this season's most disappointing teams. I, like many others, really thought the Matt Schaub move was right for Houston, but it does not appear to be turning out that way. If he doesn't turn it on next season, officially call it a bust - 'til now, he's been hit by so many injuries that it's hard to tell. This game, however, is pretty easy - the Texans just aren't going to win at Lambeau.

PICK - Packers

Dolphins at Bills - This game is an interesting one. Two division rivals, both surprisingly good this year, but the Dolphins are surging as of late while the Bills are fading. The Dolphins are the better team, and the Bills lose some of their home field advantage playing in Toronto. By the way, my Canadian hatreds aside, what the NFL is doing to the Bills by practically forcing them to Toronto is absolutely disgusting. Roger Gooddell has done a few things, but in my book, this is a joke. More on that later.

PICK - Dolphins

Jets at 49ers - This would be a game if the 49ers actually had a complete football team.

PICK - Jets

Chiefs at Broncos - Earlier this year, Kansas City stunned Denver with a win in KC. Despite how bad Denver has been at home, I seriously doubt that will happen again.

PICK - Broncos

Cowboys at Steelers - Marion Barber is out for this game. What does that mean for the Cowboys? Not a damn thing, because they would have lost anyway. Go ahead and start the "BUT LOOK AT HOW WELL TASHARD CHOICE DID" comments.

PICK - Steelers

Redskins at Ravens - Is this really a road game for Washington? These two teams are so close together it doesn't seem to matter. In baseball, the Nationals don't even have their own broadcasting rights for fear of infringing on the Orioles market. That aside, the Ravens have been impressive with QB Joe Flacco, despite the fact that he's not exactly a statistical monster. Credits to first year head coach John Harbaugh for game management. The Ravens D isn't gonna let Campbell do anything.

PICK - Ravens

Buccaneers at Panthers - The winner of this one sits on top of the NFC South. This game to me is absolutely a home team wins game, so it's the Panthers.

PICK - Panthers

Now, onto the Gooddell situation. Moving NFL games to Canada is one thing, but moving an entire team is another. Buffalo has a great, loyal fanbase, but because it is technically a small market it seems the NFL is pressuring the Bills to move. This is ridiculous. They know that Bills fans will continue to go to the games because it's only a couple hour drive over the border to Toronto, while they will be able to edge their way into the Canadian market. I am against this, only because Buffalo does not deserve to have its team forced into a nother country in an attempt to gain broadcasting rights. If they want an expansion team, fine, but don't steal a team because you're all greedy bastards who don't make enough money from your multi-billion dollar industry.

As far as Europe goes, that is fucked up too. Not only do they move games to London, but they also force season ticket holders to pick up tickets at the stadium in London, meaning you can't sell your tickets. Now I know that most people who have season tickets can probably afford to go to London to watch the games, but there are still a lot of people who cannot. Not letting them sell their tickets is absolutely outrageous. Some teams go so far as to force you to pay for Personal Seat Licenses - a fee you pay in order for the right to buy your season tickets. That's right: you pay in order to pay.

I absolutely love to go to the games and watch my team live, but it's getting to a point where it's not worth it. The amount of money you have to spend for good seats is so unbelievable that you might as well buy a recliner and a 60" flat screen and enjoy the game from home on the satellite TV package you bought as opposed to mortgaging your soul for tickets. Football fans do not go to games anymore; marketing reps who won this week's tickets do. People who don't know a damn thing about the game. This is not true in all cases, but it is way too true to be ignored.

Hey, Roger. Do you even care about your fans?

I have recently made the fucking dumbass mistake of using Craigslist to try to meet people. I must be as fucking dumb as the rest of the fucking population, because the only e-mails I have received have been from e-mail addresses like "RoseAdams@californiaapartmentrents.com" or "hotnsexy233243452@gmail.com."

Now, I noticed these addresses, but I also realized this fact: the very nature that spam has existed this long means that it absolutely must work on SOMEONE, otherwise what would be the point? Who the fuck out of all the fucking morons on the planet sees an email from someone "@californiaapartmentrents.com" and thinks this is a genuine person interested in talking to them? Do fucking people honestly see this shit and think that this person is just a real estate agent interested in them?

I should be honest though, this isn't only about this e-mail. After all, I was the fucking retard stupid enough to think that Craigslist might be a way to meet actual humans; I should be beaten to death for that alone. However, this anger is also brought on by some stupid fucking whore I have talked to in recent years texting and then calling me tonight and saying things that have made me so angry I want to fucking explode so that I don't have to live another second.

I tried, I mean really tried, to be nice to her. I said things I thought she would perceive as nice. She then had the gall to mention how happy she was, and then ask me how happy I was; it doesn't seem that bad to the casual observer, but to those who know this friendship, it was a bragging move; she wanted me to know how happy she was while pointing out that I was not happy (so she assumed).

Too bad for her. I don't ever fucking get unhappy anymore, because I'm fucking awesome. After telling her that she did not understand me, she actually had the fucking balls to say to me that she didn't mean to EMASCULATE ME. Listen to me right now: no woman I have ever known has ever been important enough to EVER emasculate me, much less anything else she mentioned (like upsetting me) or anything fucking close to what she said. NO ONE IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO ME TO MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY.

What the fuck is wrong with all of you? What the fuck is wrong with you people that you all think you can be fucking cunts and when the person you are a cunt to gets pissed off, that you think you can make another cuntish comment, and get away with it? I'm so dead serious, fuck all of you and if you never read this site again I could fucking care less. Fuck you.

ONE TIME I RODE A SPOON TO THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE AND IT TOLD ME THAT IF I KEPT RIDING IT THAT IT WOULD KILL ME SO I GOT OFF AND LANDED IN NEW YORK CITY AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

then i went to a broadway play and it sucked ass because it was about some fags who did some gay shit and it was stupid, what kind of fags do gay shit, i mean seriously what the hell fuck that

then i purchased 9 forks. i used these forks to run through every restaurant in the city and start eating their food. i gained 900 lbs. so then i used the forks to cut my stomach out and then i was really skinny, but also my intestines were showing

SO I RAN THROUGH THE STREETS AND PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A MONSTER AND THEY RAN AWAY FROM ME AND I WAS ALL WAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND THEY WERE LIKE OH NO GOD PLEASE DONT KILL ME AND I WAS LIKE HAHAHAA IM GONNA KILL YOU BUT I DIDNT KILL ANYONE BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE THAT

do you know what i like? nothing at all. i dont like a god damn thing. i hate everything. why do i hate everything? because everything hates me. i am constantly under attack by people, violent cars, and lids from pickle jars. they just wont leave me the hell alone god damnit.

do you wanna know whats awesome? one time, by one time i mean like 4 times, i got high in the shower. im all smoking while taking a shower. its all whoaaaa man the water is like wet omg man what the helllll and i was like lol i actually said lol out loud. why would i do that? so i hit myself over the head with a stick.

then one time i got robbed and i thought they all came back cuz i was high and in the shower so i grabbed the shower rod ready to BEAT SOME ASS. so then i jumped out of the bathroom and they were there to rob me again and i was like YEAH RIGHT and they took out their guns but i was high so it was like bullet time so i was all bam bam bam knocking the bullets out of the air with the shower curtain rod. then they were out of bullets in all 19 of their guns and i was like ITS GO TIME and i ran after them and they took out ninja swords.

so im fuckin sitting there in attack mode swinging at them while they defend themselves with ninja swords and im all woochaaaa and hiyaaa and they're all wutapaaaaahhhh and im like fuck i gotta end this so i jumped in the air and flipped over them and broke the shower rod in mid air and stabbed them both in the back and i was all YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

so then i decided to run around naked but it was -40 degrees outside so im all running around and my dick shrunk into the size of an ant and it fucking curled up in my body and i was like WHO WANTS TO FUCK

holy fuck i cant wait for the dark knight to come out. the first time i saw it i was in a bad mood but the second time i saw it i loved it even more. that was pretty sweet.

Though the readership of this website is still fairly small at this point, I have received many comments about it. I am still hoping Rum will return to dominate with some awesome posts, but for the moment the return of Rumfork has been all Fork, and I have spoken to people about it and have received some interesting feedback.

Generally people have been describing it as funny and well written. This was confusing to me, as it suggests that I am perhaps a well-adjusted individual with a purpose and actual content. That is certainly not what I thought was going on, but apparently this site has developed an identity all its own while I have been writing; that identity is Crazy Bullshit.

Which, to be honest, is absolutely fine with me. I enjoy prattling on about sports, politics, women, whatever, and having a place to do that is certainly good. I guess what is happening though, whether the posts are meant to be serious or humorous, there is a bit of a form going on. There are a few rants, a few crazy stories, some sports, a couple of random ass posts, and some introspective stuff. While there is still no real central theme here, it seems there are several elements coming together into what other people would call an interesting blog to read.

However, my favorite feedback has to be from a female friend of mine who will remain nameless. In the hopes of obtaining an honest opinion, I linked her to the site and told her "some crazy bastard" I knew was writing it. I figured that if I called him nuts a few tiems, I could sway her into thinking she could be honest with me and thus she could read it and tell me what she really thought, and I'd have my answer about whether or not I was creating useful conent.

Her response to the page was pretty damn funny. She found everything humorous, but on more than one occasion remarked that the guy writing it absolutely had to be insane. This guy was off his rocker, absolutely ridiculous, but he was funny. I gotta say folks, this is exactly what I was going for when I came back to this thing; holy shit that guy is funny, but what the fuck is wrong with him?

In the end, I have to say that I am quite happy with myself at the moment. We tried before to come up with some form of content but could never really make it happen, and now that Rum has an actual life and is not free to dick around like I can because I'm a loser with no life, I have somehow all on my own stumbled across a mix of content that appears to be working. I'm not saying this is the most popular site on the internet, or even in the top 400 trillion, but I'm keeping a few people amused and that's good enough for me.

On a side note, I know I did not get this week's NFL picks up in time before the Chargers-Raiders game last night; my bad. I would have picked the chargers, but not as a lock, so you're not losing anything. I won't count that in this week's picks though, that would be cheating since I didn't post before the game. So we'll just pick the remaining 15 and call that Chargers win a moral victory. I need a bounce back week after last week's slaughter; but again, my lock picks were right on. I should be gambling!

This is the first essay I wrote for my english class this year. The assignment was to write about what we loved more than anything in the world.

Crack: My Invaluable Asset

Every person in this world has that one thing they cannot live without; be it their favorite sports team, some sort of food that soothes them when they are upset, or, in my case, the chemical addiction that only a hardcore drug can provide. I love smoking crack; I am in fact addicted, which furthers my love, but I also enjoy crack for a few key reasons. First and foremost of course, is the high provided with each deep inhalation, which I find cannot be matched no matter what you try or where you look. Furthermore, the economic stimulus that crack provides to my community is unmatched by any other product or service I can find. Finally, I have always been the type of person to struggle with social interaction, be it some sort of educational seminar or even a gathering at the mall, however, with my wonderful, wonderful crack, this is no longer a problem. I am a new man today, world, for with a pipe and a rock, I can conquer anything (within 5-10 minutes of having smoked that rock).

I am somewhat of a thrill seeker. I have, in my life, done many different things, attempting to live by the doctrine pushed on me by many a youth counselor, "The best high is life itself!" Sorry, American Youth Counselors, but I have to disagree. While some may enjoy the thrill that comes from jumping off rocks into water (which often features other rocks), scaling a mountain, or maybe even throwing caution to the wind and driving their car into a pole, I find that none of these things open my mind and stimulate the physical senses quite like a rock of crack. I'm no chemist, I can't exactly tell you what happens, but I'm guessing dopamine has to do with it, which provides and interesting side note to those who may say, "Hey Peter, you know that crack is unhealthy, right?" Nay, friend. When I smoke crack I may eat 4 pizzas in 12 seconds, but I then immediately run it off! So if I get all that exercise when I'm smoking a bowl, where is the downside? Game, set, match on the health issue.

I live in a small apartment building, and to the outward eye, it is not much, but peek inside and you will see a different story. Inside this small complex is a bustling economy, fantastic proof of supply schedule and demand schedule; I passed macroeconomics merely by speaking to my dealer! Every person who gains his way into the building through use of the secret pass phrase ("No, I'm not a cop, why?") is instantly treated to the best crack cocaine our building dealer has to offer. How does this have to do with economics you ask? Simple! When 20 crackheads are outside, and there is only enough of the sweet sweet white god for 10 of them, suddenly the price goes up! When 10 crackheads are outside, and there is enough for 20, prices drop to keep the crackheads coming to our building. That money does plenty good for the building, such as tipping the pizza delivery boy, and ensuring that the crack dealer can buy more crack. After all…we would never want to come down, would we?

I am currently going through a very rough breakup, and this only further hinders my already minimal social skills. At first, this seemed to be a hindrance that would be impossible to bypass, but thanks to crack, this is not so! I have met plenty of new people, men, women, menwomen, people who share plenty of my same goals, ideals, and hobbies (talking really fast, running really fast, smoking crack). This bond is one that cannot be broken (as long as we continue to purchase crack), and my new friends and I spend nearly everyday of the week together, speaking on all sorts of world issues; topics range from the legalization of drugs to when that damn pizza boy is going to be here. It is truly a diverse group of people, of all races and genders, who come together merely to socialize in a way that most of society fears. That's right: we're pioneers.

I could lie. I could say that the most important thing in my world is something others may find important like school or always knowing where to find my right arm (crack can sometimes be laced with amphetimines), but I am not that kind of man. No, I am a man of morals. A man who knows what he loves more than anything. I love crack!

In the wake of my unending bitterness towards my former female companion, it has been said to me by more than a few people that the best way to move on would be to enter into either a sexual or emotional relationship with another person, even if I know it would not be a long lasting one. Thus, I have found myself deciding that I will seek out a so-called "rebound" girlfriend sometime during the next month or so.

As I am an obviously picky person (at least in terms of dealing with, you know, people), I must have some sort of list of things I will look for in a female, ideally at least. I'm sure I don't fit into the plans of most females so I certainly won't blame them for thinking I'm a douchebag if I think many of them are bitches. In any case, I felt I would share this information with you, my loyal reader. So here we go: things I will look for in my rebound.

Intelligence - It's 10th grade. We are discussing, in history class, what America would do if another country came in and seized Baltimore. A girl in my class says, "Where's Baltimore?" I will NOT date someone like this.

Physical Attraction - At least I am honest enough to put this second on the list. Do you think any supermodels are come around wanting to date me? No. I think I'll just have to find someone who is just as comfortable with me as I am with them. Perhaps we will secretly resent each other over our looks. That might be fun.

Sense of Humor - No more dating girls who can't take a joke. I've certainly done enough of that. Bonus points if they can find sexism funny, either way.

Common Interests - I spent years with someone who didn't really like what I liked. I didn't like what she liked, necessarily, but I did my damnedest to try. She did not. So, failing someone who actually is interested in what I am, some sort of reciprocity in terms of attempting to care about the things that I care about (since I'd automatically try, I'm just that cool) would suffice. Bonus points here for a woman who likes sports (if she likes sports video games I will abandon the rebound title and propose).

I would prefer it if she didn't like "Sex and the City" - I know this is a really, really narrowed down section but...I just really fucking hate that show.

Some of the things on this list (with the glaring exception of that final point) are obviously a little bit broad, but perhaps that is the point. It is entirely possible that I could find some woman who does not fit this list perfectly that I would absolutely fall for. However, having done that before, and how it turned out...perhaps I should avoid that woman at all costs.

Maybe love is the main thing that gets in the way of happiness.

PS. I really want to stress that if I meet a girl who likes NCAA Football 09 or Madden or NBA 2K9 I am going to be in love. I mean how hard would that rule?

A new, but quite interesting friend, told me tonight that she found my introspection on this site interesting. With that in mind, I figured I'd post some more. I should note that the following thoughts do not apply to the few people close to me, and also this friend who commented on the introspection. So, onward.

I think that when I tell people that I hate people, they think I'm kidding. I am not. I often shudder in disgust at the mere thought of like, having to talk to someone, or listen to someone, or think about someone.

Let's take for example my prior relationship that I am so not at all bitter (yeah right) about. The ex-girlfriend in question was Canadian. I now literally cringe anytime I see anything Canadian, hear about someone from Canada, find out someone is from Canada, see the word Canada (it's hard to type this paragraph), see the name of a city in Canada...anything to do with Canada.

Why do I do that? Canada has not wronged me. If she had been American, I would not have decided that I hate all Americans. Interestingly, I believe I would grow to hate the state she was from. It's a local thing; I hate the province she was from more than others, and the city she was from more than anything else. That is a city I used to love, but now that I associate it with her, I completely despise it and will never go back there.

So let's run with this logic. I hate everything having to do with our neighbors to the north because of some bitch; it's an association issue. So what is it that I am associating people with that makes me so angry so easily? Certainly not all people have done anything to me, in fact over 6 billion people have done nothing to me, and yet I still have an amazing amount of contempt for these people.

I have really come to the conclusion that the issues of a few become the issues of many with me. My latte art rant in an earlier post is a perfect example; I fucking hate people who think latte art is interesting, or even...art. That is just one thing that makes me hate people just a little bit more. I was recently discussing art with family. They brought up some artist (I'm not going to repeat the name because I hate him) who intends to cover the Arkansas river with a tarp.

Why? Why would anyone do this? Why in the hell would anyone waste their time putting a goddamn tarp over a river? What the hell? I have heard that they expect 350,000 people to show up to this "event." Who takes time out of their lives to look at a fucking TARP?

Most times when I talk to a new person I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. The things that people say confuse the hell out of me; not because I can't understand, but because I can't understand just why the hell they think I care. I actually seek out people to talk to, and then when I do, I often wonder why I did it.

I could argue that I am more agitated these days because of the breakup, but anyone who knows me will tell you that is 100% untrue. I'm actually less annoyed than usual, a fact which is completely fucking confusing to me (it's medication). All this together, I am damn grateful for the few people I do actually like, because they keep me sane, and make me feel like I'm not actually going to flip out and blow my own head off.

I guess I just want to solve all of this. People always say "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" (this also pisses me off, by the way), and even if that were somehow true, who the hell said I had an issue loving myself? I just want to talk to more people who aren't fucking morons. It's mostly annoying because even in my fucked up relationship, I had a real connection, and now I've lost that. How will I find it again? Who the hell knows.

"God" save anyone who gets in my way.

I used to have these crazy women, three of them with children, who would constantly talk to me and try to get me to enter a relationship with them. No matter how much I told them that I was not interested in a relationship, they repeatedly attacked me, seeming to think that just by being a bitch I would suddenly come around and love them. You can tell by the title of this post that it did not work.

But man, ever since I ran them off, I really am bored. It used to be fun to deal with their repeated advances, the constant text messaging, and just the general attention brought on by all those crazy women who seemed to think that I was just the right thing for them. The ones with children especially baffle me...I mean seriously, you want me to play father to your child? They always said that their children had nothing to do with it, but because I'm not an idiot, I knew better. However, they did their best to flip out and try to trap me whenever I did mention that portion. I skillfully avoided their pathetic attempts to rope me in with the following points:

I Drink - And I certainly don't mean the occasional beer. I mean I drink a 12 pack before I drive to the bar to drink 15 more. If you still think I'm someone you want to be around, then you should probably read on (side note: one of the psychos just called me! Yay! Time to fuck with her head!).

I Gamble - This does not mean I play penny slots. This means that I bet thousands of dollars on sports games and spend thousands on hold 'em poker. Do you want to pay rent next month? Date me, and we'll see if you can!

I Smoke Cigars - There is nothing better than a beer, two hole cards, a game I've got money on on TV, and a Cuban cigar. Perhaps if I could be having sex at the same time that would be better, but for the purposes of this article, these three are the best. I love cigars so much. I've never met a woman who did. Despite this, I wouldn't quit smoking them. Cigars are better than arguing over something I don't even understand (SUBTLE HINT).

I Play Video Games - Not WoW or lame shit like that, but those games of the sports variety. If I turn on NBA 2K9, expect me to play for the next 10 hours. You're welcome to join me or talk to me while I do it, but why the hell should I have to stop? I've spent plenty of time doing things for women but reciprocity doesn't seem to exist. Goddamn psychos.

I Make Jokes - This seems to fly with women until you are dating them. Then suddenly it's okay for them to mock you, but not for you to mock them. In order to deal with psychos, I make it clear that I intend to mock them by incessantly mocking them. All the time. At every turn.

I Lie - Not about whether or not I ate meat when you are trying to get me to do some dumbass cleanse. I come up with the most insane lies you could think of all the time, and I will always be trying to convince you of them. Only one person in history has been able to call me on my lies, and that was only after years, and that was only because I didn't try very hard with them because I actually cared about that person. I don't care about you, and I'll lie to you.

I Know That Men And Women Are Different - This could alternately be titled I Am Sexist. Any man you meet thinks you are crazy. Women are crazy, that's just how it is. I hate women who can never accept this. Women have three physiological goals; 1) Get married, 2) Raise family, 3) Destroy a man's life. Here's the thing: as long as you know we are crazy, we are okay with it. It's just nice to know that you accept the fact that we are always going to be confused at just what the hell you are talking about.

No matter how much I mentioned this shit, they never went away. It seems there is no way to make them go away forever. One has started texting me again, another has just called me. I told her I would call her back. Normally I wouldn't, but I have been bored lately without a throng of less than mentally stable females to play with. I'll have to call her back later than I said I would and say rude things and then make her admit she has feelings for me. I guess no matter how hard you push, they never really go away. Guess I'll have to go back to using sex is a weapon. They never learn.

I think I'm kind of bitter and hate everything and everyone.

Wooo am I getting my ass kicked right now. Looks like an 7-9 type week for me in picks. And the Patriots got blown out. This week sucks. However, what matters? Lock picks! 3-0 in those. You can take my locks to the bank.