Rumfork Sages

I came over to my parents' house to enjoy a delicious thanksgiving meal. Upon walking in, I noticed that my mother had not cooked the traditional turkey meal, but instead had cooked a republican person and covered him in what she called hypocrite sauce. It was delicious!

I don't know the republican's name, but I bet it was dick, because that's what they all are. It didn't taste like dick though, at least i think. I have never eaten a dick, despite all of my attempts to do so in life. No one is willing to cut it off so that i may fry it in some sort of apple glaze...maybe it is a dessert type treat.

The best part of the meal, as usual, was the stuffing. It was made of bread crumbs, some other stuff, human liver, and then some kind of vegetable. Put that with potatoes and the rolls and it was mmm mmm good.

So after the day was over, and we had enjoyed watching the Lions get beaten so badly that I had an orgasm (think about it for a second and you'll get it, i hope, otherwise you are too stupid to read this site), we settled in to watch the cardinals - eagles game. I predicted that the cardinals win, but despite them getting back into the game in the second half, they blew it. Then i pissed all over the couch because that really made me angry.

Anyway 4 am rolled around, and I decided it was time to go out drinking. All of the bars and liquor stores here are closed at that time to i clicked my heels three times while saying "i want to fuck a hooker" and suddenly i was in las vegas. i was joined by two people who i didnt know, but we became fast friends. we went to a bar, and i promptly odered three hundred beers. i drank them all in 42 seconds, and then it was time to go gamble.

i went to a blackjack table and promptly bet 42 million dollars on one hand. the dealer insisted that it was a $5 minimum, and that just because I had written "42 million" on a $1 bill, it didn't count. i then scrambled around in my socks and found $4 in pennies, and threw that all on the table. i then hit 300 blackjacks in a row and made some amount of money, i dont remember.

then i went to find hookers. my favorite kind of girl is one with a snaggletooth and 3 or four legs, and there are like 9 of those in every hotel in vegas, so i got three of them and took them to my room. i had them all get naked and pretend to blow me while i stood up and reciting shakespearean sonnets in a 1940s french accent. i pretended to had an orgasm, then "went to the bathroom" and slipped out the window without paying the hookers.

the problem was i was on the 92nd floor, so i fell pretty far. i hit the ground, but luckily i was outside a hospital, and since all hospitals are surrounded by the padding slaughtered infidels, i was fine. i then proceeded to rent a car to drive to hawaii.

it was a long drive to hawaii because they were doing construction on the bridge that im making up. but i finally got there and i promptly adopted 59 17 year old boys that i turned into a football team. we won the nfl championship in 35 seconds (i stole a trophy) and then i bought a plane and flew it to las vegas again.

the hookers were waiting for me at the airport, because i had stiffed them on paying them before, but i distracted them with the shiny metal trophy and got away. i went to the greyhound station because i decided i wanted to ride in some real luxury, and i came back to denver.

when i got here, i came back over to my parents house and had some thanksgiving leftovers. it was pretty good except the dead republican was dry. i think my mom said she will marinate it in the blood of evangelicals next year in order to get that good flavor locked in. i think that is a good idea.

also can anyone change a 5