Rumfork Sages

So anyone who knows me knows of my current ongoing saga, which I'll refer to as "The Battle of My Ex-Girlfriend." Ever since we broke up I am continually doing two things: one is insulting her, and the other is talking about how much I want her back.

I was talking to a friend the other day after English class, and when I told him I actually didn't want physical harm to occur to my ex (sometimes this is debatable), he was surprised, because as he pointed out, "You hate her!" Indeed...

But do I really? I am repeatedly catching myself using phrases like, "I love that stupid bitch," or "I hope that fucking whore gets the plague but if she came back to me right now I'd be so happy." It outlined to me how seriously close love and hate actually are on the spectrum of emotions. It's like throwing sand at a girl on the playground in first grade; we love her so much, we must attack her.

It is incredibly difficult to get over someone you were in love with, even if the relationship is completely flawed and absolutely wrong and fucked up like ours was. People tell me I need to stop caring and the funny thing is, after realizing all of this, it seems like maybe if I got myself to stop hating her, I would be able to use that to stop loving her too. If they truly are one in the same, and in fact related, removing my anger towards her would also at least partially remove my love for her and at least allow me to socially function. That would be nice.

Here's the problem: I'm angry. I hold grudges. I want others to be miserable if I am miserable. I want her to suffer in the same way that I have suffered. One of my friends couldn't wrap her head around this; she asked me, assuming I could remove myself from the situation, if I loved her so much and viewed her as such a good person, didn't I want her to be happy? If I found out she had moved on and was with someone who made her happy, wouldn't that make me happy?

No. I don't understand this concept. Who the fuck wants others to be happy when they can't be happy? I have done so much for those around me in this world who have done nothing for me, and now I am supposed to be happy for everyone else? It's ridiculous! Why don't you people ever grow a pair and recognize that "being happy for them" is not worth sacrificing your own happiness.

As for me, I guess I've proven with this angry rant that I won't be getting over her anytime soon. Ah, fuck it. I just can't help loving that stupid, self-centered, uncaring, lazy bitch.