Rumfork Sages

This is a story I wrote years ago, entitled: "I Smoked Lots of Drugs." Before moving on, please remember that I am in therapy and on medication now...but I still think this is absolutely hilarious.

"When most people talk about substance abuse, they will say that maybe once or twice they tried Marijuana (they always call it marijuana because they think it sounds better), but they didn't like it and never did that or anything again. They lie. Everyone does drugs, or has done drugs. Or will. The people who say they've never done anything are all 35 and they are dating someone in elementary school. I did a study.

Most people lie, but not me. No siree, I smoked a lot of drugs. And I ate and snorted some too. Not some, a lot. While other people were studying to become doctors and policemen and pencil engineers, I was smoking lots of drugs.

Not only did I smoke smokable drugs, but I also smoked non-smokable drugs. I once dropped a pill of acid in my crack pipe and smoked it. And it worked pretty well, because it was just like acid.

One time I had been smoking crack all day, and I was so high that I tried to smoke a lounge chair. My other friends tried to stop me but they were on heroin and were just sitting on the couch staring forward. Then some of them took speed and they stopped me from smoking the lunge chair and they also ran to the store and back twenty-seven times and then they were tired and they smoked some weed to relax.

For my third grade show and tell project, I tried to make a chart of all the drugs I had done. But I had done so many drugs that it wouldn't fit. So I just made a small chart of some of the drugs I had done. And then they kicked me out of school and I had to go to detox and reform school.

Reform school was hard because I could only smoke crack four times a day, instead of 8. By the way, you may be asking where I got the money for all of this, being however old I was, and it was easy: I robbed banks.

Yep I was the only third grader ever to rob a bank. But I took speed in case that I had to kill someone right before I did it so I was able to show I meant business by beating a large patron into a coma with merely a magic marker. After that I would rob banks and then do drugs until I needed money to rob another bank, and I would.

And I got away with it because I was a little third grader. No one believed I could be robbing banks but I was. So I kept all my money in a hole I dug in the ground and lined with a soundproof liner. I put my drugs in there too.

As my life progressed, people tried to send me to programs that would fix me so I wouldn't do all the drugs anymore. But I would just do the drugs while I was at the clinics and no one could stop me and it was pretty funny.

And then finally I turned 30 and I had done so many drugs that I couldn't say any sentences other than "The rooftop is burned while the chicken hatch ate my only strawberry scalding lunch noodle!" Doctors tried to save me but couldn't. Then some people tried to kill me but they couldn't do that either.

So then someone decided that if they cut my brain out that maybe I'd stop working and I'd just fall over and die. So they did that but I lived and I could still say the sentence. It was weird. So they decided to put a new brain in me so that maybe I would be able to think.

They put this one dudes brain in me and my body was excited and now, as you can see, I can speak perfectly. My body was so energized that I now use 38% of my brainpower instead of the regular 10% humans use. I'm the smartest person there ever was.

So you see 2004 Class of Harvard, drugs are fantastic. Everyone should do as many drugs as they can (without ODing) until their brain can only say one sentence. Then we can switch out the brain and you'll be really fucking smart. We'll have a race of super humans, all thanks to crack and coke and heroin and every other possible drug that you can think of. Congratulations class of 2004, keep smokin' till you can't think no more!"