Rumfork Sages

Living in Denver presents many challenges. Other than my uncontrollable disdain for the Broncos, the fact that people like to do things like go outside is just very difficult for me to accept. As a hermit who enjoys sitting in his room with the blinds closed and the house temperatures so low that others attack me because they assume I am trying to murder them, going camping or hiking or skiing or jogging or walking or driving are not really things I enjoy. So, in the spirit of that, I think I will be moving. Let's run down some prospective cities, their pros and cons, and then I'll make my decision.

1) New York City - Once my dream city, now it is plagued by memories of bad sports experiences. I hate all New York Sports teams, especially as a child of New England. I just can't live in a city where people like the Giants.

2) Toronto - Once my favorite city, now this city is plagued by my ex-girlfriend. Positive - living in Toronto would mean I could tell her how much I hate her and how I want bad things to happen to her. Negative - It's fucking Canada. Fuck that.

3) Boston - My most recent area of residence. While I am a fan of all things Boston, especially sports teams, the New England accent on a woman is just about the least attractive thing I've ever heard. As a single man, I'll pass.

4) Seattle - Good weed, and lots of rain which encourages hermitry. I would probably enjoy living here but something tells me moving so close to Canada would piss me off. I'm at war with those Northern Exposure bastards.

5) Detroit - No, I don't want to be murdered.

6) Chicago - Great sports history, lake view, good food. Plus; I, the Great Fork, actually have a FRIEND in this city. Call it another fork in the drawer of my life.

So there you have it, Rumfork.com reader. Looks like I'm on my way to Chicago. Finally I can get the hell out of here.