Rumfork Sages

When I used to google rumfork, we were first on the list. Now it asks you if you meant "rumford" again (took a couple months to get past that originally) and then after you skip down to Rumfork we're like fourth on the list.

UNACCEPTABLE. I hereby declare WTFery and intend to go to google headquarters, sit outside, and throw water balloons at them. They'll get it then the bastards.

Seriously I need some features. Fork@rumfork.com is you have any ideas.

Well, it's about that time of the year again for us college students: the time when we finish finals and wait around, sometimes nervously, for our final grades to be posted. Some of us know we did everything as well as possible and that there is nothing to be concerned about. Some of us are very worried, needing a particular grade to keep the 'ol GPA up and not get kicked out. Me? I'm kind of different.

I put in about 6 minutes of work outside of class this semester. I didn't really take notes, I didn't really read the books, I didn't really do all the homework...and yet I am going to have a 4.0. Now, I know I am not the only person to do something like this (and believe me, helping me obtain this 4.0 is the fact that my math-for-morons class does not count towards my GPA), but I do wonder if it bothers other people when people like me so obviously coast by, while they have to work.

I suppose they could view the potential poetic justice. I may coast by and get my grades, and then fail in the workforce, while Johnny Doeshismath will prove himself worth to his employer and become a cruicial cog of the American Industries. I've always wondered about the relative use of someone who is incredibly intelligent but lazy, vs. someone who is not that intelligent but works incredibly hard.

Take this semester. By nature of me not being in school for years, I got placed in the aforementioned Dumbass Math class and as an additive to this was forced to attend a so-called "math lab" for 25 hours over the semester in order to gain tutoring and whatnot. There was also an optional software that came with our books that allowed us to do the math lab work online.

I spent a grand total of 3 hours in the actual math lab all semester and then came down to the final night with 22 hours to get done. I certainly could not go for 22 hours as it was due the next day. So, I downloaded two extra web browsers, opened up the online math lab in each one at the same time, did the homework very poorly (like 50% poorly), and let them sit for hours. Thus every hour I earned doing this was worth 3. I did this enough to get just over 22 hours and then I turned it in. Yesterday I learned I had in fact passed the course.

What's amazing to me is that the hours I turned in were timestamped. As in, they could see I did all this "work" at the same time and that I was triple charging the hours, if you will, and yet they didn't do anything about it. It's genius. I intend to share my method with anyone who would like to hear it so that other people will not be forced through the embarrassment of the mathlab.

Another thing that happened was my history class. I missed about half the classes, barely took notes, didn't read, and yet I got an A. How? Memorizing the quiz questions, and an open book/open note final. Seriously? Open book? That shit is great.

My other grades are yet to come, but I still find this concept interesting. Maybe I'm really good at figuring out ways to avoid following the system, but what does that translate to in reality? I have been in the work force and let me tell you, it ain't pretty when I am. I can't wrap my head around the idea of being just another drone inside a corporate giant. Mind you, I am not against corporate America, or people being drones; I am against being one of them myself.

I suppose in the end, most people would rather have the dilligent, nonstop laborer working for them than someone like me. Sure, in crunch time, I may be able to produce a great report in mere hours, but can you always count on someone like that?

I mean...you can't count on me. Shit man, I've got things to do. Like hunt me some womenz!

Here we go!

Lock Picks

Redskins at Bengals - Chad Uno continues his quest to be 1-15 and still somehow not be the worst team in football.

Lock Pick - Redskins

49ers at Dolphins - The 49ers surprised everyone by beating the Jets at home this weekend. Certainly they have a chance in Miami, right? No.

Lock Pick - Dolphins

Lions at Colts - Please understand that I singlehandedly could score more points against the Colts than the Lions are going to.

Lock Pick - Colts

Browns at Eagles - Here's a few words your franchise should never have to hear: "Starting at Quarterback, Ken Dorsey!"

Lock Pick - Eagles

The Remaaaiiinnderrrr

Saints at Bears - While I feel in many ways that the Saints may be a more complete team this season, and both teams really need this game...I just don't see New Orleans going into Soldier Field in December and putting up the points needed to win. Bush is hurt, the potential diuretic suspensions are on several players on the Saints minds...I just don't see it.

PICK - Bears

Bucs at Falcons - The NFC South is the best division in football right now. I don't see either of these teams losing two games straight being very likely, but unfortunately, one of them has to. Both teams have been great in all aspects, but like last week with the Bucs and Panthers, it's the home team that gets it.

PICK - Falcons

Titans at Texans - While divisional battles are always hard fought games, Houston has yet again not lived up to the hype. Home or not, they aren't going to beat the Titans.

PICK - Titans

Packers at Jaguars - This game is hard to pick because both teams are phenomenal choke artists. What it boils down to? Which team is an absolute joke on both sides of the ball. Oh! I know!

PICK - Packers

Seahawks at Rams - This game would have mattered two years ago.

PICK - Seahawks

Bills at Jets - I want the Jets to lose. Part of me feels like the Jets won't lose. Both teams have been bad recently. Brett Favre is looking like...Brett Favre. Call it an upset pick, I really don't see the Bills not taking this opportunity to cause some hurt to a hated rival.

PICK - Bills

Chargers at Chiefs - The last game between these two ended in disappointment. The Chiefs went for two to win instead of tie. They didn't get it. Right now, San Diego still has a shot at the playoffs if they win out and the Broncos lose out. I think they will take care of business on the road.

PICK - Chargers

Vikings at Cardinals - This is going to be one hell of a football game. Arizona's passing attack vs. Minnesota's rushing attack. I don't think either one can stop the other. Despite their propensity to prove me wrong recently, I like the Cardinals at home in a shootout, making the NFC North very interesting once again.

PICK - Cardinals

Steelers at Ravens - This is a battle of two great defenses, one boring offense and one way overrated offense. This is one of those games thats like 10-7, or something. I have been thinking Steelers all week, but Vegas has this at -2 Baltimore, and that got me thinking; how the hell are the Steelers going to move the ball against the Ravens? Willie Parker hasn't looked that great recently. Big Ben has looked great against the Ravens in his career...this is a tough one. Let's roll with the home team and Vegas, folks.

PICK - Ravens

Broncos at Panthers - The Broncos starting halfback (their 7th starting halfback this season) was selling cell phones in a local mall a month ago. He is fast as hell, but has fumbling problems. Ball, say hello to ground in Carolina.

PICK - Panthers

Patriots at Radiers - Under normal situations, this would be a lock pick, but Matt Cassel's father died this week. Even if he does return to start, he may be ineffective and we may see Kevin O'Connell; this could be troublesome. The good news? They're playing the fucking Raiders.

PICK - Patriots

Giants at Cowboys - Without Plaxico Burress, the Giants couldn't get a damn thing done last week. The Cowboys have just plain looked bad recently. The rushing attack of the Giants combined with the lack of rushing attack of the Cowboys equals a road win.

PICK - Giants

In addition to my Craigslist whoring and constant telling people to come to this site and tell everyone they know, I made a Facebook group for this...website. Because I have enjoyed making lists that start with bold lettering lately, I have decided to make another. About what you might say? About the ways I am going to continue to promote this website like the shameless prick that I am:

Something to do with Myspace - I don't know if you can have like...Myspace groups or something, but I should head over there and spam people's inboxes. Just kidding, I hate Myspace and I'd rather have no readers than advertise on that cunttastic website. That's right, cunttastic. With two t's.

Hand out the web address at school - When people go to school, what do they want? They want to be spammed! So I am going to harass people constantly. In the student union? You bet. In class? Damn straight. In the women's bathroom? You know I'll be there, shouting, yelling, and begging women to visit my site.

Tell people in jail - I just said I was going to be in the women's bathroom, where the hell did you think I would go next?

At Phoenix Suns games I'll go see my favorite team and get my ad up on the jumbotr- HOLY GOD WE TRADED BELL AND DIAW AND SINGLETARY FOR JASON RICHARDSON AND JARED DUDLEY AND A 2010 PICK WHAT THE HELL

At New England Patriots games - Tom Brady may be out, but Rumfork.com is still up! Patriots fans will know this when I am somehow still the most obnoxious fan in the stadium. Believe me, in New England, that is not easy.

Light myself on fire like a religious zealot - I will sit down, pour gas on myself, and light myself the fuck on fire while a band around me plays the Rumfork.com theme song.

Write a Rumfork.com themesong - I'll need to do this one before the last one.

Have sex with a celebrity and then talk about Rumfork in my ensuing media interview - Step one: get rich so I can sleep with a celebrity. Technically, it doesn't have to be a hot celebrity. Britney Spears? Big shock. Amy Winehouse? INTERVIEWS.

Finally finish my hip-hop CD - As a white rappers, I have a duty to finish this thing. But I still haven't. When it comes out I should sell it on Rumfork and advertise it in the CD cover. That'd be sweet. Then Rumfork would have two purposes: retarded posts, and CD sales.

Start selling merchandise - This is a good idea if we had more people than we currently do. Although the Craigslist post worked surprisingly well, that doesnt necessarily translate to repeat readers, and until we've got that, merchandise only costs me money. You don't want to cost me money, do you? Fuck you then.

I hate Sasha Vujacic - That doesn't really count as something I'm going to do to help the website, but he hit a 3 at the buzzer last year when his team had comfortably won to cost me money because I had bet the spread on a Spurs game. I hope he dies.

So over all, I think these are all very good plans. Failing that, you can still tell all your friends. And come everyday. And tell your friends to come everyday.

On a side note, my condolences to Matt Cassel. His father Greg died earlier this week. Hopefully he is able to deal with this, and it's really too bad that his father wasn't able to see him continue on to the obviously great career he is building, in New England and wherever else he may play in the future.

It's not known if Cassel will start this week; if not, Kevin O'Connell will step in. Matt Gutierrez is the last QB on the roster, and likely would only play if O'Connell struggled to an incredible level.

Tell your friends about Rumfork!

What with the major success this website is having (9 unique visitors per day on average, that is slightly less popular than the least popular site on the internet), all I can say is that you should tell your friends about this site. Why, you might ask. As you may have guessed, I have a list of reasons:

I know where you live - Think about that for a few minutes. Do you want to wake in bed with the screen of your laptop cut off, covered in cables? No, you don't.

NFL Picks were 12-3 this week - Seriously, if I had got the post up in time, 13-3. Do you know who else picks NFL games with that kind of accuracy? The best ESPN analysts. The difference? I'm not a douchebag.

I am insane - I OWN FOUR HUNDRED BOXES OF CRACKERS. Need I say more?

I find you very attractive - And since you were dumped recently, isn't this important? I like your body, and honestly, I don't think you need to lose weight. You're beautiful as you are. I think you and I should grab dinner and a movie sometime.

I once had sex with a camel - How many bloggers can boast that?

I have masturbated to the Paris Hilton sextape several times - That kind of experience is not common on your average blog. I have a documented history of doing important things and telling you about them, like when I was the first to report that Heather owns three bottles of Sprite.

It snowed yesterday - History tells us that when it snows, you should read rumfork.com.

All the cool people are doing it - Typically, Cool People are a very small group. That's why so few people have read this site. If you read it continually, and get others to read it, you will be cool too.

I have 19 spoons - I think that speaks for itself.

I will never make you cry - Whoops, this was supposed to go in my dating ad on pleaselovemeeventhoughimfat.com

There you have it. Proof that this is the most important site on the internet. Tell your friends, or I will cry in my sleep and then come to your house and eat your chicken.

First week: 11-5
Second week: 7-9
Third week: 12-3

Proving last week to be an aberration, I have returned to dominate. One game short on picks this week because I didn't post before the Thursday night game, but I would have picked the Chargers anyway so suck it (but I still won't count it). Here's the special part: in my second week of lock picks, I go 5-0, bringing the total to 8-0. You can absolutely take my locks to the bank.

Among my losses were two happy ones; both the Jets and the Giants lost to inferior teams today. I am happy to accept those losses.

This was a pretty badass week. I was just about unbeatable. If I hadn't been a lazy dumbass, and posted before the Chargers game, it would have been 13-3. That aside, this was a pretty great week in football.

I'll be sure to actually get the picks up for ALLLLL the games this week. No more "if only I had." I also think, since the basketball season is wiiiiinding down, I'm gonna start posting a few basketball picks. Those are obviously more difficult, with multiple games per day and teams playing multiple times per week, but I'll come up with a system and get it going here within the next few days.

Get your money and bet my picks, because I am ON FIRE.

WHAT?

I once ran for student counsel. I did not win, because I did not secure the core 5th grade vote: those in favor of expulsion of those without pokemon cards.

Distressed with my loss of political office to a purely media based caused, I enlisted a female friend of mine to be my new campiagn manager for the new political party I was forming, the Rule Really Hard and You Suck party. We ran on one platform, with one plank: I'm really cool, and you suck.

My female friend did a very good job of winning over the children (she got some creepy guy to give them candy from a van) and it seemed that my 11 year old friend had in fact gained enough crayon signatures for a referendum.

When we found out there would be a new election, we went out and celebrated with several juice boxes. Then, suddenly I was 25 and I couldn't remember what had happened but I was sitting there drinking juice boxes with my female friend.

I was all, hey, nice rack, and she said thanks and put down her spice rack so that we could put some pepper on our sandwiches. Then it was new orleans and I saw like 9 breasts because this woman who had breast cancer in one boob had it removed. It was cool.

So my female friend and I decided to get married. So we worked on wedding plans, but didnt agree on anything. She wanted a 7 piece orchestral band, and I wanted to hang myself instead of getting married. She wanted grilled chicken in a lemon glaze and I wanted Del Taco cheeseburgers. So nothing really was working.

So we decided to elope instead, but the problem was that neither of us knew what eloping met. We compromised and ate some cantalope instead, while riding a jackalope.

then we were living together for 7 years so we were common law married, and she moved out and took half my stuff. but all of my stuff was on fire so that sucks for her because then she was on fire.

so, as you could guess, we live together now, happy ever after. we are worried about the student counsel election coming up though because that fucking mormon kid made rice krispy squares.

FOUR SCORE AND 7 YEARS AGO I SERIOUSLY FUCKED A PORN STAR

THIS SITE IS A CROSS-SECTION OF AMERICA