Rumfork Sages

Keep in mind first and foremost, I only capitalized it that time because it was the first word in the title.

I would like to say that in spoon's previous post, she made some very excellent points and disproved a few of my points, meaning that we were equals. I'd like to say that she is a very intelligent person and that she will always have a special place in my heart, because our friendship is unshakeable. I'd like to say that Forks and spoons will from here on out live in harmony, able to recognize each other's weaknesses and strengths, and play to both.

I'd also like a blowjob from Zooey Deschanel while Kim Kardashian shook her ass right in front of me, so I'm pretty sure that all of those ideas can go fuck themselves.

All spoon has done in her post is effectively proven that she will go out of her way to find a new sexual position to suggest to me. Did you read any of the rest of that? I mean, what am I supposed to do, waste all the CPU cycles on my $1200 computer reading some long ass post about how spoons are so nice? COME ON.

Nothing less than pure controversey has engulfed this once great literary site since I made the obvious mistake of bringing spoon up from underneath my desk to the position of writer. Was I the one who wrote the poem that started this whole thing? No, I am not, so while spoon may contend that I and all other Forks are cocky, keep in mind that we are on the defensive here as spoon has decided that she is so good that she doesn't need to be around the likes of the rest of us.

It is a racial issue, plain and simple. Forks have always been racially tolerant of spoons. The spork, after all, was our idea. The spoons shunned us for this plan however, always wanting to be the first and only, never wanting Forks to share the same drawer. This is why in the 1950's all our parents had a spoon drawer and a Fork drawer; we were being discriminated against.

I am one of the first Forks to be able to run his own literary based media sites. I broke the barrier on this, and not only did I do that, but I invited a spoon to come along with me. I invited a member of the very race that would have thought to enslave me to be my partner, to venture into parts unknown; to create the kind of website that makes all utensils say, "Hey, that's the kind of place I'd like to visit." But can I do that? No, because spoon is doing her best to undermine me and take over.

Well sorry spoon, your attempts to be the alpha-utensil on this site are in vain. My dear friend Rum, born of a race not subject to this racial cruelty, will never allow such an awful takeover to occur. Nay, this site will belong to the likes of us, the racially tolerant, intelligent, and generally plain fantastic people that we are for all time. You, spoon, will just have to learn to deal with it.

I would offer you a truce, but like a dead dove in the freezer, I just don't know what to do with you. I suppose that I should realize that as a spoon, you have one natural, undeniable purpose. Target practice.

Why don't you take off the ol' spoon cover and let daddy show you what we use the prongs for?

It's too bad that Fork is not as intelligent as I am. He apparently thinks that I can sit here and stare at the screen while my thoughts appear automatically. Far be it from me that I might disvalue a compliment such as that(it takes quite a bit of talent to just sit there and let technology do all of the work for you), but I do believe that the magic needed for that does not exist. That's right. I am mortal and I typed up my previous three posts. Don't feel too downhearted, Fork. It will be okay.

As you can see by reading Forks few posts that are aimed at me, forks clearly have no class. Spoons, on the other hand, are very courteous, and I will prove that by continuing to capitalize Fork, as I have respect for all fellow utensils.

Moving right along, yes, I am hormonal seeing as I'm five months along in this pregnancy. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. It appears forks have no ears; this does not surprise me, especially if forks are male as Fork claims them to be. Onward! Suddenly Fork has a problem with cradling? Pardon me, but it is only natural to be nurtured by someone. As pleasant as it is to be stabbed in the heart repeatedly by forks, it's nice to be held nicely every once in a while. You have to decide if you want the boyish fork or the manly spoon. I know which one I'd choose.

As much as you have a few good points, you also seem to be misinformed.

- You can stab children with spoons just as easily as you can stab them with forks, you just need to have the right kind. I know this because I have stabbed many a child in my day with spoons. Also, if that's what you call ruining a lawn then you must have an animal proof lawn that you never mow. Very nice.

- Again, you could easily eat a steak with a spoon. You can also be a man about it and use your hands, as god intended. Stew, a mans food, cannot be eaten with a fork. Pudding, mans best dessert, cannot be eaten with a fork. Snow, mans best form of precipitation, cannot be shoveled properly with a fork. A spoon could easily pull any of this off.

- If I were ever in a situation where a person was stupid enough to park that close to my car, I could easily assume it was a fork, and, being the strong spoon I am(spoons have full bodies which gives them much upper strength while forks have prongs which splits the strength and, in turn, makes them weaker), I would pick the car up and move it myself. No need to damage the property of others. However, I would then place wooden blocks behind their front tires and watch to see how long it takes them to figure out why their car won't move. Silly forks, tricks are for spoons. When it pours, spoons reign.

- If you weren't yet aware, there is a sex position called 'Sexual Spoons'. As Wikiwiki states, "In the sexual spoons position, the penetrative partner lies on their side, with their knees bent. The receptive partner lies on their side, with their back pressed against the penetrative partner's front. It may be used for vaginal or anal penetration." If that doesn't release sexually-based chemicals into the brain I'd be quite surprised. Furthermore, this position allows spoons to easily live through a sexual experience with a fork as the 'spoonee' would not have to look into the face of the 'spooner'.

Did I mention that spoons are not incredibly full of themselves? They hold just enough pride to stand tall. Forks, however, stick themselves into the ground and talk out of their asses.

Bring it on, Fork.

In a previous post I likened Forks to men and spoons to women (spoon will no longer be capitalized as they are not deserving of my use of the shift key). Our newly hired second blogger took offense to that and tried to point out the many ways in which spoons are "better" then Forks.

Sounds to me like I hurt your feelings, spoon. Are you hormonal? Are you on your period? I am sorry for offending you, I'll be sure not to mention anything in the future for fear that it might send you into a blinding rage and launch you into early menopause complemented by the sudden drop of your uterus on the street corner you undoubtedly make your living on.

Forks are easily the greatest utensil ever. While many foods may evade a spoon's mere attempts to cradle them, a Fork will reach right through the motherfucker and get it done. The practical application of a Fork is much greater than that of a spoon. Let's take a look at a few real life examples of situations where a spoon will not cut it:

1) The neighbor's child is running around on your front lawn, picking up grass and peeing in various places. If you have a Fork handy, you can stab the bastard in the heart and take him back to his parents for his burial. If you have a spoon handy, you can use it to catch your tears as your front lawn is ruined.

2) You are going to eat a meal. If you have a Fork handy, you can indulge yourself in a delicious, juicy steak. If you have a spoon handy, you can eat soup, and soup is for faggots and everyone will hate you (note: I am not homophobic, I just love the word faggot as an insult).

3) You discover that someone has parked their car very closely to yours, rendering you unable to enter on the driver's side. You have to climb in the passenger side and somehow shift into the driver's seat. With a Fork, you can first scratch the shit out of the paint job on the enemy's car, then slash his tires. With a spoon, you can eat your fucking soup, faggot.

4) You are making out with the person you just hired to write on your blog. If you spoon her, there will be no sexually-based brain chemicals released. If you Fork her, she will have to shut up because she won't be able to make a logical argument while going, "Oh god, oh yes, oh god yes."

These reasons are all proof positive that Forks are better than spoons, that I am a better writer than spoon, and that all people like me more than they like themselves. I am also funnier and have better taste in music, movies, and television than spoon.

I win.

I would like to make it known that Fork over there is sexist. No where did I specify that all spoons are female. In fact, the majority of spoons are actually male, so perhaps he is then suggesting that male spoons are gay? Does that then make him homophobic? I think so. However, that I am aware of, gay men don't bleed for five days once a month. Shame on you, Fork. That is just terrible. I'd also like to inform Fork, and the rest of the male readers, that periods occur twenty eight days apart and usually last three to five days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. As for the emotions, we cannot possibly control our hormones so suck it. Just because we feel more often then you do does not mean we should hide it! Unless you will do us the favor of hiding your face. Maybe then we can compromise.

You think forks are better at everything? Puh-lease. I have never seen a fork melt ice. I have never seen a fork open a desk drawer. I have never seen a fork drive a car. I have never seen a fork build an igloo. I have never seen a fork eat another fork. I have never seen a fork fly a kite. I have never seen a fork create a universe. I have never seen a fork pick up an ant by one of it's antennae without breaking it off. I have never seen a fork write a poem about other forks. I do dare say that there is no way forks are better than spoons.

And now you say that forks are more aggressive than spoons. You're right, but I will tell you why. I was once attacked by a person holding a fork and it was a very unpleasant experience. The person went straight for my eye and boy did I get it! Four prongs straight through my cornea. It was a lobster fork, in case you were wondering how four prongs managed to hit such a small target. In any case, the perpetrator continued by scraping out my eyeball with the prongs and they left quite a mess. It was nasty.

Here is my point.

The next day I tracked down the perp to give them a taste of their own medicine. Instead of a fork I used a spoon, with which I scooped their eyeball on in order to neatly put it on display for a silent auction. With the eye on a nice platter, intact, dripping with its own succulent juices, atop a pile of beautiful greens, I was able to pocket about $4,500, cash. (COME ON!) At least spoons can bring you a profit. I'd like to see a fork do that. Unfortunately I never will because it simply cannot happen. Even if we are a cuddly type, you know you like it.

I understand that you're outraged by the fact that the Great and Powerful Spoon is here and will probably become more popular, but that is not reason enough to create poor attacks at such wonderful utensils. I was going to share the top with you but I may now need to reconsider! And now that I've made myself queasy I will leave.

Spoon wrote a post about how much she loves Spoons, and it was capitalized with some lameass poem. She says she is glad she isn't a fork. Believe me, we're glad too, and here's why:

-Forks don't bleed for five days once a month
-Forks don't change emotions every two seconds, causing every utensil around them to say wtf
-Forks are better at everything
-Forks are aggressive and stab, while Spoons merely suggest that you follow them with their hugging style

That's really all that matters. Spoon sucks.

Well well, what have we here? An empty post box and apparently nothing interesting to fill it yet. Normally I would sit here and babble until something good actually came of it, but, instead, I will post my testament to spoons. It illustrates both my obsession and undying love for their little round faces and long, variously shaped tails.

Ode To My Spoons

They sit there on the table,
In a cup all together,
Squished by the manifolds
Of others just like them,
Reflecting the sky outside.
Their funny form of a
Blossoming orchid.
My spoons are many.
Some plastic, some metal,
Some half fork on the
Father's side.
The plastic ones white,
Pure as fresh snowfall.
The metal ones shining,
Full of tarnish stains.
The Spork's tortured
By their father's actions.
But they aid me always
Whether I'm digging into sand
Or digging into Jell-O.
They are in numbers,
Not only two or three.
My spoons wait for me.
They know I will come.
One after another I pluck
Them from Death,
From the death of the garbage can.
I take one a day,
Sometimes two or three
If my purse is empty.
And my spoons are happy.
They smile with their
Round edges and
Long noses,
Only one thought in
Their plastic selves.
I'm glad I'm not a fork!

Obviously the best poem ever written, and because of that I won a medal. That's right. Critics Choice Award. I have also been told that both the surface meaning and the deeper meaning are likable...however, I will tell you now that there is no deep meaning to this poem. It is solely about spoons and how wonderful they are.

All of that being said, thank you, oh wise Fork, for granting me the opportunity to infiltrate the minds and dreams of all the little children. With that I say good night!

Friends, hours ago I told you I would bring someone on board, and I have fulfilled that promise. Introducing The Great Spoon! In addition to writing ridiculous posts like myself, Spoon will be illustrating our upcoming web comic. In order to give you a glimpse of who Spoon is, I have interviewed her. Following is the transcript:


Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
so, why did you join rumfork.com

Kellizaber says:
I was forced by a group of native americans

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
did they make you their tribal princess

Kellizaber says:
No, they tried to make me get their firewood

Kellizaber says:
I'll tell you exactly what I told them

Kellizaber says:
Squaw no gettum firewood! Squaw go home!

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
that is wonderful racism that all rumfork readers will enjoy

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what do you think you will bring to our fabulous rumfork.com?

Kellizaber says:
lol

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
or do you not intend to answer that

Kellizaber says:
I'm thinking

Kellizaber says:
Hold your horses

Kellizaber says:
I'd like to give them some insight on what retail is like today while also bringing them some humor and possibly some extra cheese knowledge that they wouldn't be able to get elsewhere

Kellizaber says:
Some drawings perhaps

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what do you think about horse sex

Kellizaber says:
Hot damn, get me some of that

Kellizaber says:
Although I find elephants make better partners

Kellizaber says:
It's like a fifth leg

Kellizaber says:
Or maybe that was a fifth leg; that would explain the strange shape

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
slutty thong, or long underwear covered by wet suit covered by dollar general smock?

Kellizaber says:
Slutty thong covered by smock actually

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
do you hate the movie twilight as much as i do

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
to clarify i have not seen it

Kellizaber says:
I do, mostly for the acting but also for the bloopers and terrible music

Kellizaber says:
And partially for the terrible portrayal of vampires

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
but you'd nail that kristin stewart girl right

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
because i would

Kellizaber says:
If she could possible make a different facial expression I might

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
who are you more attracted to: kim kardashian, or chris farley

Kellizaber says:
One minute while I google the faces of these unknown

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
GOOGLE IS A TRADEMARK OF GOOGLE INC THANK YOU INTERNET

Kellizaber says:
Oh right, just one unknown

Kellizaber says:
lol

Kellizaber says:
My mistake

Kellizaber says:
I used Kellizaber.com instead

Kellizaber says:
Better anyway

Kellizaber says:
Hmm...This is a tough one

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
RUMFORK.COM DOES NOT NECESSARILY SUPPORT THE VIEWS OF SPOON OR HER AFFILIATES

Kellizaber says:
I'm going to go with Chris Farley

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
do you prefer to masturbate with your right hand, or the cast off candlesticks of 1970s suburban america

Kellizaber says:
Anything is better than using my right hand, so the latter

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what is your greatest attribute?

Kellizaber says:
My knack for being prepared

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what are you currently prepared for

Kellizaber says:
Scarcity of aluminum, plastic bags, spoons, and four month long movie marathons

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
thank you for your time, Spoon, one last question

Mr. Swag - Black Jesus says:
what are you wearing

Kellizaber says:
Nothing, as usual



So there it is! As you can see, Spoon is quite ready to be a part of this website. You can expect a lot more fantastic features such as this one. Be sure to tell everyone you know that there are now TWO insane people who masturbate while they post writing for this website!

I really can't continue to just post random shit if I want this site to go anywhere, and unique visitors whore that I am, I'll be editing the site and coming up with a set of streamlined features that will be readily available on this site.

As far as layout goes, I'm not entirely sure. I may be changing it, I may not. However, I intend to streamline the content here down to three basic categories:

- My rants/thoughts on all things you don't care about
- Insane stories I have written/will write
- A yet to be introduced webcomic

This means the discontinuation of NFL picks and whatnot as they are largely unrelated. In the future I may add some sort of reviews for music or something...I'm not sure. But for the moment, these are the features that this site will be focused on.

As I am retarded in the ways of drawing, I'll be bringing a friend onboard to do so. She will also probably be posting things on the site, so not everything from here on out will be from me. In addition to all of this, I'm still hoping Rum will return to the fold eventually.

So...that's all for now. If you come here again and everything is different, that's me trying to make a decent website. I'll probably fail.

The universe is conspiring against me and I am unable to defend myself.

Another story from when I was 16:

"Whoa whoa whoa kimosabe!" The Cash Money Records music blasted out of Antwain's stereo. "Big big big ballin' is mah hobby!"

Antwain's friend Joe was annoyed. "Man, turn that shit off. Play some punk!"

Antwain didn't like this statement, so he stopped the car, and threw Joe out. Normally, this wouldn't have been that bad, except that they were driving over an active volcano using a flying car. So Joe died. Then, Antwain landed outside the volcano, and got another friend out of the trunk of his car, one who liked rap. This guy's name was Bruce.

Antwain and Bruce flew along over the Pacific Ocean, minding their own business, eating sandwiches from some gas station back in Wyoming. Suddenly, Bruce had a good idea.

"Hey! Let's put the top down!"

"Fantastic idea!" Antwain put the top down, and Bruce's hat flew off.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming!" Then Amelia Earhart's plane came out of nowhere and cut his head off. Antwain pushed the rest of his body out of the car.

"Bet you didn't see that coming either!" And indeed, Bruce hadn't seen it coming.

Antwain pulled another friend out of the glove compartment. This friend was a good one because he was always drunk. Why this is good I don't know, but it's far better than the former twist in the story.

"I love you man." The drunken fool always expressed his love. "I love this car. I love this air. I love this seat. I love everything!" Antwain got tired of that and put him back in the glove box.

Then, suddenly, flying ninjas came out of nowhere and started throwing Chinese throwing stars at the car. Antwain folded the car up and put it in his wallet, then started throwing toothpicks at the ninjas.

"Hah! Hiya! Ho! Hi! Hehah! Hiyaho!" Antwain was fluent in random fighting sounds.
Then, the ninjas all changed into Jiggalypuff Pokemon and ate cotton candy, as opposed to throwing Chinese stars. So Antwain sat down on a lawnchair that happened to be there, and decided to drink the lemonade that some girl in a bikini handed him.

As he drank, and watched the Pokemon eat cotton candy, he thought back to the time when he and Pikachu went barhopping, and picked up that stripper from Cancun. Those were good times.

"I know what you're thinking," said Bruce Willis. "You're thinking, 'What the hell is Bruce Willis doing here?' Well, I must say, I agree. What am I doing here?" Bruce Willis disappeared.

Antwain then picked up a sword and stabbed all the Pokemon. He then reached for the car in his wallet, but accidentally grabbed a condom, but decided it was ok and flew around in that.

He flew around New York City going "Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" But in New York they were having the Thanksgiving Day parade, and no one noticed, until the giant flying condom flew into the big Vagisil cream float. This had interesting implications that I don't want to go into, so Antwain flew off before anyone could catch him.

As he flew over the world, Antwain decided that he didn't really like Arkansas, so he decided to crash the condom into it and see what happened.

What sucked about it is that people thought it was a comet that plunged into a hole in the earth and caused a huge fucking explosion and not a condom. So people didn't really see the hilarity. Get it? A giant condom came down and plunged into a hole in the earth and exploded. HAHAHAH.